Elim

Today, I found out that I didn't get the job at Elim that I have been praying for steadily for the past seven months. My heart is crushed. I don't understand what the Lord is doing right now. And I know that He has an awesome plan and that whatever he wants accomplished this summer will be accomplished. I know that I need to trust Him.

But for today, I am heartbroken. 

I have wanted this job more than anything for months now. And being rejected is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in a while. And tonight, I'm struggling. Tonight, I just wanted someone to come hug me and tell me that the Lord has a plan. Tonight I needed someone to tell ME that it's going to be okay. 

How is it that I am surrounded by 15 beautiful girls all the time and yet feel so very alone?

I don't expect these girls to comfort me. It's not their job. It's my job to love them. And I'm happy that it's that way. 

But I did expect encouragement from others here. People who I respect. People who I love. People who I rush to help as soon as they ask. People who I readily encourage. And when I sought comfort or encouragement from them, I was rejected again. And left feeling more alone then ever. 

All this has led to me being really confused as to what in the world the Lord is doing in my life. What is he teaching me? What is he trying to show me? Is he trying to teach me to depend more on him? To be more self-sufficient? To trust that whatever he has is good? I'm not sure. But tonight, I've been questioning. A lot. 

Why am I here? 

I don't mean to complain. I don't mean to make things seem worse then they are. Please don't take this post as my complaining. This post is my heart tonight. Thanks for listening to it.