Just because

This week has been rough. There's no getting around it. Exams, trials, sickness....but when the people you turn to for comfort are not suddenly not there, what do you do?


Maybe you turn to someone else. Maybe like me, you turn to people you don't normally turn to. For the first time last night I really talked to my roommate. I had talked to another frined before that, but it didn't end well and when I came back in the room last night at 12:30am a crying mess it was my roommate who sat with me holding my hand and talking through things until almost 2am. It turns out she was able to help me and encourage me more then anyone else could have at that point. It was weird because it was the first time I really opened up to her and told her things about my life, but it was unbelievably good. I really need to work on opening up to people more. Because I forget how good it is to share things with people. My roommate told me that one of the jobs of a friend, roommate, and sister in Christ is to be able to talk and share struggles and that part of being friends is to simply be a friend. Not to know how to deal with the problem. Not to take responsibility for the problem. Just to be a friend and listen. That's an important thing to keep in mind. But anyways.
Maybe you turn to music, or books, or some other distraction in order to get you through.
Maybe, you should turn to God.
This morning when I woke up I felt terrible. I sat down to do my devotions and prayed but felt very distant from God. And I started thinking about how last night when I had been so hurt by people and was struggling, I should have turned to Him first. Maybe that's why I felt distant from Him.
God's the one that will never leave me. He's the one that will be there when other people don't want to be or can't be. He's the one that can give you the comfort you need and long for.
So why don't we seek Him more?

God's response to feelings of inferiority

Over the past several weeks there has been several things I've realized about myself. Maybe I had realized them unconsciously before, but they've become more and more apparent as of late. The main one is that I've come to realize that I have major inferiority issues. Ever since I was younger I've struggled with this. It's not something I've really ever talked about either- probably because I'm just now starting to come to terms with it. A couple weeks ago I was sitting in my room with a friend and something was said that surprised me and I really didn't know how to respond. It eventually led to a conversation in which I began talking about how ever since I was younger I've always thought that everyone loved my brother more. I told her how I've nearly always felt like people like him more and think he's this amazing, wonderful human being while I've just kind of been there; always doing exactly what he is doing but never doing it as well.

Everywhere I went I began to feel like people liked him more and it killed me. I hated feeling like I was "Woody's sister". I felt like I had to really work to get attention- especially during June-November when soccer was in season. Sometimes I now wonder if the reason I rebelled so much in high school and did so many stupid things was because I just wanted to be noticed. I know many of my issues were caused by circumstances beyond my control, but even before that, I was struggling. Did I rebel and drive my parents up walls because I really just wanted them to pay attention to me during soccer season? Did I attach myself to my old friends because they took the time to notice me? Is it wrong to feel like I faded into the woodwork while Woody shined? Is it wrong that all this time I have felt inferior to my brother? Is it wrong that I just wanted to be noticed? Was I noticed and just felt like I wasn't? These are all questions I've started trying to answer lately. I haven't got the answers; but I've started making connections between these feelings and how miserable I was in high school. When I was talking with my friend about this she said simply, "but I haven't lived in his shadow all my life." I hadn't thought of it that way before, but the more I think about it, the more I find that I really do feel like I've lived in his shadow since I can really remember- however dumb and selfish that is. I think that's why I struggle with having him at Trinity.I think I don't like having him at Trinity because it's the first place I've gone where I've been first, where there's just been just "Emily." No Woody and Emily. Just Emily. Everything has always been Woody and I. Soccer, theater, voice lessons, horseback riding lessons, every single morning of school. We weren't separated very much at all. And it seemed like everything I wanted, he got. When we took horseback riding lessons and I wanted to move onto a different horse- he got her. When I played soccer and wanted to impress my family- he did not me. When we did musical theatre and we would both try out for bigger parts- he would get them. He got to be in the bigger dances while I got to watch from offstage or in the wings. Now we're in college together and I feel like it's going to just keep following that pattern. Like with the RA thing. He made it, I didn't. It's hard to not just take these things as a blow to my self-esteem ( as stupid as that sounds ). I don't want to be just "Woody's sister" again. And I know it's silly, but it's so hard to be the sibling of someone who everyone loves. And I hate feeling like that, but it's the ugly truth. I hate myself for hating that he’s here- but I don’t know how to not be afraid he is going to overshadow me in the one place I have been able to shine.

I'm far from being okay with this whole situation. I know there's nothing I can do to change his being at school and that I can only change my attitude about it; but it's hard. But last week God made it a bit easier. A few days after having that conversation with my friend I sat down to do my devotions and it just so happened that both of my devotional books that I was reading talked about how God doesn't show favoritism. One of my devotionals talked about David and how he was the least of his brothers, but all the same David was the one God chose to be king. The other devotional talked about how Jesus chose the unlikely and those who were looked down upon to be his disciples and how we should be encouraged because God doesn't care about what we accomplish in this live, He cares about our hearts and love for Him. Those things don't just happen in my mind, it meant something. It must have.

Truth

Strength in Weakness

I mentioned a couple posts ago that my blog is therapeutic. Getting things out in words is something that makes things easier for my personally. One of the advantages of keeping a private blog is knowing that you can say exactly what it is you need to say and knowing exactly who is going to read it, so you really can say whatever it is you need to say. So. That’s what I’m going to do. 

Two years ago I was broken. God took my life and He broke me. Maybe because he knew it would lead me to Him. All I know was that I was miserable. Not yet knowing God personally, I built myself a glass room around my heart that couldn’t be entered. In that room I kept my thoughts, fears, feelings, sadness, pain, and everything  in between. Only I could enter the room. Then I met someone who broke those walls. They shattered to the ground in hundreds of tiny pieces. My life became like what I considered to be an open book (though I‘m pretty sure she‘d disagree) , and those fears and struggles I had kept to myself I was now talking about with someone else. Then that summer I finally turned my life around and God brought me to Himself in a way I can’t even explain. It was incredible. And things got better. I stopped doing things that were harmful to me, and instead focused on Him. It took seven months, but I got there.

The past several months however, my relationship with God has dwindled. In the craziness of life my time with Him got shorter and shorter until it was basically nothing at all. And it hasn’t been good. This month especially I’ve really been struggling through some things, and have fallen back into old habits and old routines that I do not want to be in. And although I’ve realized that it is directly related to how my relationship with God has dwindled, I haven’t fixed it.

But earlier this week I came to the realization that if God broke me once, He’d do it again. And right then I cried because I refused to be broken again and didn’t want to be where I was.  The mere thought of going back to where I was two years ago made me nauseous. But at the same time I didn’t want to admit I was struggling because I was afraid of being weak. And when we admit something, it’s like opening ourselves up and almost like asking to be broken.

The thought of being broken, or anything even close to that scares me. It scares me because I remember how painful it was the last time around. It scares me because it makes me feel vulnerable.  It scares me because it makes me look at my life and see where I’ve failed.

Then yesterday I picked up one of my favorite books that I used to read all the time. It’s God knows my name by Beth Redman. It’s a book I’ve bought for friends who are going through rough times. It’s a book I used to read every night before I went to bed. I opened it and the first thing that was bolded on that page was “Strength in Weakness.” It’s one of my favorite sections and talks about how God uses brokenness to pull us closer to him and talks about how being broken is one of the only ways we can grow in strength in Christ.

I don’t want to get to the point where God breaks me so I’ll pay attention to Him. I think He’s allowed me to struggle recently because He wants me to run to Him and lean on Him for strength, instead of trying to do it all myself. So last night, I prayed and asked God to forgive me for not spending time with Him like I should have. I prayed that He would help me draw closer to Him and prayed for Him to draw closer to me. I prayed that He would reveal Himself to me in amazing ways and help me have the same passion I had for Him months ago. I also prayed for strength to do what I knew would be hard, but needed to be done. 

After that I made a phone call, and also talked to my best friend. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. It was hard and it was scary. It caused tension and pain. But that was the hardest part. And now it’s over. Admitting things to people is one of the hardest things for me to do. Especially people who I just want to please and make proud. 

And now I feel like I’m doing what God wants me to do. I feel like I did the right thing. And I know that I am going to work on my relationship with God and to my best to get it back to where it was a few months ago.  I know that He has a plan for my life and I know that He knows exactly what it is I need. Jeremiah 29:11.

Friendship

Friendship.

What is friendship exactly?

The dictionary defines it as: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection

The Bible uses Jesus as an example of the ultimate and pure friend. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:13-15).

What does friendship mean to you?

What does friendship mean to me?

I was asked this question earlier this week. I was asked what I thought friendship meant, for having a friend and for being a friend. It’s an interesting question to think about. And after much thought, I think I kind of know what my answer is.

Friendship is when you care for someone when everyone else has abandoned them. Friendship is when you are a friend when no one else will be. Friendship is when you spend time with someone just because you love them and want them to know how special they are. Friendship is leaving someone a little note or gift to encourage them. Friendship is when you can laugh so hard you cry, or be completely totally yourself with someone without feeling bad. Friendship is when you are there to give the encouraging hugs, the uplifting smiles, but also when you are there to hold a friend when they cry, or pray with them when they are going through something hard. Friendship is confronting someone when something is wrong, even if it is awkward or hard. Friendship is realizing that although you can’t fix their problems, you can love them and stick with them through the tough times. Friendship is when you would be willing to do anything for someone, even when it means giving up something you want, or giving up some of your time. That’s just what I thought of after I thought about it for quite a while. Friendship is a bunch of little things, not a few big things.

I have several really incredible friends. About a year and a half ago I was talking with my brother about one of them. He described her friendship as, “she’s the one you let hold you when you wouldn’t let anyone else come close.”

I’ve had friends who have stuck with me through some pretty rough times. And during all of it, they never left me, but loved and encouraged me. That’s the kind of friend I want to be. I want to be a friend that people can trust, and turn to for encouragement, or to vent, to cry, or to laugh with.

I feel that I’ve somewhat accomplished that goal. I have a pretty awesome role model and have learned a lot from watching her and listening to her.  Sometimes, observation is the best way to learn.

So this week, I want to challenge you to do something for a friend. Write a note, make a bracelet, give a hug. Do something unexpected. Maybe you do a lot of things for people and think that they don’t even care. You’re wrong, they do care. Maybe you think that you already put so much time and effort into people that doing something extra for someone would be too much work, you’re wrong.  Maybe that something extra is something that person needs more then you realize.

Often times I fall into a trap. I do things for people, and think they don’t care. I write notes and think that they just don’t matter and are just a piece of paper in the trash, so I ask myself why I write them. Last week I was reminded why when I wrote a girl who I knew was going through some really hard things emotionally a note. She’s not the kind of person to just open up and share exactly what’s on her heart without you having to do a little digging. She came up to me later that day and gave me a huge hug saying that she had woken up feeling beaten down and tired and that my note had made her feel so much better and like someone really cared about her. That little note led into almost a two hour conversation about what was going on with her. It was amazing. The little things really are the things that mean the most.

Day 30

Day 30 – three good things that have happened in the past 30 days


1) I saw my friends Annie and Rachel at church on Sunday
2) I had an amazing birthday with the people that mean the most to me
3) I got to hang out with one of my favorite people ever for a day




Tomorrow I'll be starting another blog challenge, this one a bit different then this one I've been doing. Also hopefully later tonight I'll be posting another blog updating you all on my life, not just the random "day -" posts. 

Day 29

Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.


Hanging out with my girls.

Day 28

Day 28 – Your favorite movie.

I don't have a favorite movie. But these are some I love.

Day 27

Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?

Oh boy. Me last year and me this year? I feel like I'm two completely different people. 

And at the exact same time, I feel like I haven't changed much at all. Here I am with 3 of my best friends almost exactly a year ago. True to who I am, I'm writing someone a note and having people sign it. 

I think that the differences in me are more little ones I've noticed, not ones other people would notice, except for a few really close friends who know me very well. But I think those little changes have gotten me to where I am now, so I'm grateful for them.