Woody's Sister

You should all know that as I am typing this post, Max is sitting next to me kindly listening to me as I vent and hit the keyboard keys a little harder then I probably should be hitting them. (His recent observation was that I type really fast when I'm angry and upset.) I'm so thankful for his constant love and support.

Anyways.

You should all know by now that occasionally  I use this blog as a therapy tool. And I'm not going to sit here and pretend life is full of sunshine and daisies because it isn't and sometimes it is healthy to have a good meltdown, cry it all out, and then pick up the pieces and move the heck on with life. So that's what I'm going to do with this post. It's going to be a bumpy ride. And I know I'm being a little crazy. I think sometimes I have to let myself be a little crazy as a way to deal with the fact that really on the inside I'm upset and hurt, so I promise you, I'm not going off the deep end here. Sometimes getting things out in words helps me deal with my own pain and it provides a way for me to channel my frustration. So there you go. But right now, at this moment, you have the option of reading this blog post and hearing my frustrations and pain in words, or leaving. But please, if you are going to read it, judge me, talk about it behind my back, or get angry at me for being honest (crazy maybe, but honest) - leave. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


For years and years and years I have struggled with Woody and major inferiority issues. I wrote about it a while ago, but I don't really know if I have talked about it since then.

This past year at Trinity I felt like I grew a lot in this area. Even though Woody and I were on the same campus we wouldn't see each other often and we both had very separate and very different lives. I was in a different dorm and this enabled me to feel like I was off on my own and I absolutely loved it. In Tib, I was the only Lucas sibling. I lived somewhere away from Woody and I loved it because I didn't feel like I was competing with him there. I've only had that feeling one other time in my life (that I remember)- first semester freshmen year, before Woody ever even went to Trinity. And I swear I'm not looking for pity here- I am really just sharing my heart with you. 

Woody has always, always, always, been better at practically everything we have ever done. And I might add that Woody and I have done practically everything together since he was born. Everything he did I did, and everything I did he did. It just happened. It wasn't really our fault- that's what happens when you are homeschooled and in the same grade. But we did do everything together. Naturally, that created a whole lot of unhealthy competition between us- even if was unspoken on both our ends. And in that competition, Woody nearly always has won. Really. He was better at school, sports, theatre, voice lessons...everything. Someone once told me they would never want to be Woody's sibling just because he is so perfect at everything. (And okay, I know, Emily, no one is perfect and he isn't as great as you are making him sound) but no really, sometimes I feel like he is as close to at as humans can come. Or at least that is how he makes me feel when I am around him.

Anyways.

I was apart from Woody last year and it was so fantastic for our relationship. The times that I did see him were usually times we would intentionally seek each other out- and that was great..it happened maybe once or twice a week and that was plenty. We were there is the other needed something, but we were in no way doing the same things, living in the same place, taking the same classes, or interacting with the same people...it literally felt as if we were living two completely different lives.

Then we came back for the summer. And it's been a trainwreck practically since we got home. Since Woody is currently not dating, he is around a whole lot more then he has been for the past 3 and 1/2 years. That in itself took a while to get used to. Since then though- he has become so incredibly hard to live with and I think this is probably the worst its been in years. In all honesty- he has developed a big head and is boastful. It drives me nuts. We don't need to hear 5 times a day he is going to be such a leader next year at Trin. We don't need to hear how all of Tib is going to love him. I don't need to hear Chase is going to like him more. We don't need to hear 4 different times he has learned three new songs on the guitar in the last 24 hours We don't need to hear about his 4.0 GPA. And it goes on and on. Woody very much thrives off of words of affirmation and isn't afraid to say whatever he needs to get it. And it can be really hard not to throw things at him when he cuts me off when I feel like I'm talking about something important just so he can say for the 100th time he needs to go finish his floor decorations. (Which by the way, I have helped him make). (Also by the way, I know I'm probably sounding ridiculous right now, but just bear with me)

And Woody is a wise kid. I'm not saying he isn't smart, and I'm not saying he isn't a great leader because he really and truly is. But sometimes I feel like Woody uses his authority in ways that makes people (especially me) feel as though we're an inch tall. 

I am terrified to live in the same dorm as Woody this year. In fact, I already hate the idea of living in the same dorm with him because it became a place where I was so free, comfortable, and happy. I thrived in Tib this year and a lot of the lessons I learned in Tib are lessons that very much contribute to the fact that I am doing as well as I am this summer. Right now (minus all this brother crap) I am probably doing the best I have been in a very long time. I'm happy. I'm enjoying life. I'm in love with my Lord and Savior.

This summer I have definitely grown a lot in my walk with Christ. Part of that is probably because I have definitely been constantly leaning on Him for support as I struggle through all this stuff with Woody. And while I realize that maybe God is using this to break me and pull me to Himself so I can get to know Him better, sometimes I wonder why I can't get to know Him without this particular pain. Which also makes me realize this is so an area of my life I do need to completely and totally surrender to Him. Because the fact of the matter is, God put Woody in Tib next year for a reason. He put me in Tib for a reason. His plans are far greater than my own and I know that He has a plan for this, even if it is something I struggle with. I pray that right now my prayer will be that God brings about healing in this area of my life.

So now, I've vented. And I'm going to pack up and move on with life. And actually, I feel a lot better now then I did when I started writing this post.

And if you've stuck with this and read it through to the end, I would like to thank you for caring enough to do so. I have been blessed with some pretty incredible people in my life, and God is definitely using all of you to encourage me, whether you realize it or not. Really. I know I am loved not only by God, but by all of you, too.