Strength in Weakness

I mentioned a couple posts ago that my blog is therapeutic. Getting things out in words is something that makes things easier for my personally. One of the advantages of keeping a private blog is knowing that you can say exactly what it is you need to say and knowing exactly who is going to read it, so you really can say whatever it is you need to say. So. That’s what I’m going to do. 

Two years ago I was broken. God took my life and He broke me. Maybe because he knew it would lead me to Him. All I know was that I was miserable. Not yet knowing God personally, I built myself a glass room around my heart that couldn’t be entered. In that room I kept my thoughts, fears, feelings, sadness, pain, and everything  in between. Only I could enter the room. Then I met someone who broke those walls. They shattered to the ground in hundreds of tiny pieces. My life became like what I considered to be an open book (though I‘m pretty sure she‘d disagree) , and those fears and struggles I had kept to myself I was now talking about with someone else. Then that summer I finally turned my life around and God brought me to Himself in a way I can’t even explain. It was incredible. And things got better. I stopped doing things that were harmful to me, and instead focused on Him. It took seven months, but I got there.

The past several months however, my relationship with God has dwindled. In the craziness of life my time with Him got shorter and shorter until it was basically nothing at all. And it hasn’t been good. This month especially I’ve really been struggling through some things, and have fallen back into old habits and old routines that I do not want to be in. And although I’ve realized that it is directly related to how my relationship with God has dwindled, I haven’t fixed it.

But earlier this week I came to the realization that if God broke me once, He’d do it again. And right then I cried because I refused to be broken again and didn’t want to be where I was.  The mere thought of going back to where I was two years ago made me nauseous. But at the same time I didn’t want to admit I was struggling because I was afraid of being weak. And when we admit something, it’s like opening ourselves up and almost like asking to be broken.

The thought of being broken, or anything even close to that scares me. It scares me because I remember how painful it was the last time around. It scares me because it makes me feel vulnerable.  It scares me because it makes me look at my life and see where I’ve failed.

Then yesterday I picked up one of my favorite books that I used to read all the time. It’s God knows my name by Beth Redman. It’s a book I’ve bought for friends who are going through rough times. It’s a book I used to read every night before I went to bed. I opened it and the first thing that was bolded on that page was “Strength in Weakness.” It’s one of my favorite sections and talks about how God uses brokenness to pull us closer to him and talks about how being broken is one of the only ways we can grow in strength in Christ.

I don’t want to get to the point where God breaks me so I’ll pay attention to Him. I think He’s allowed me to struggle recently because He wants me to run to Him and lean on Him for strength, instead of trying to do it all myself. So last night, I prayed and asked God to forgive me for not spending time with Him like I should have. I prayed that He would help me draw closer to Him and prayed for Him to draw closer to me. I prayed that He would reveal Himself to me in amazing ways and help me have the same passion I had for Him months ago. I also prayed for strength to do what I knew would be hard, but needed to be done. 

After that I made a phone call, and also talked to my best friend. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. It was hard and it was scary. It caused tension and pain. But that was the hardest part. And now it’s over. Admitting things to people is one of the hardest things for me to do. Especially people who I just want to please and make proud. 

And now I feel like I’m doing what God wants me to do. I feel like I did the right thing. And I know that I am going to work on my relationship with God and to my best to get it back to where it was a few months ago.  I know that He has a plan for my life and I know that He knows exactly what it is I need. Jeremiah 29:11.

Friendship

Friendship.

What is friendship exactly?

The dictionary defines it as: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection

The Bible uses Jesus as an example of the ultimate and pure friend. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:13-15).

What does friendship mean to you?

What does friendship mean to me?

I was asked this question earlier this week. I was asked what I thought friendship meant, for having a friend and for being a friend. It’s an interesting question to think about. And after much thought, I think I kind of know what my answer is.

Friendship is when you care for someone when everyone else has abandoned them. Friendship is when you are a friend when no one else will be. Friendship is when you spend time with someone just because you love them and want them to know how special they are. Friendship is leaving someone a little note or gift to encourage them. Friendship is when you can laugh so hard you cry, or be completely totally yourself with someone without feeling bad. Friendship is when you are there to give the encouraging hugs, the uplifting smiles, but also when you are there to hold a friend when they cry, or pray with them when they are going through something hard. Friendship is confronting someone when something is wrong, even if it is awkward or hard. Friendship is realizing that although you can’t fix their problems, you can love them and stick with them through the tough times. Friendship is when you would be willing to do anything for someone, even when it means giving up something you want, or giving up some of your time. That’s just what I thought of after I thought about it for quite a while. Friendship is a bunch of little things, not a few big things.

I have several really incredible friends. About a year and a half ago I was talking with my brother about one of them. He described her friendship as, “she’s the one you let hold you when you wouldn’t let anyone else come close.”

I’ve had friends who have stuck with me through some pretty rough times. And during all of it, they never left me, but loved and encouraged me. That’s the kind of friend I want to be. I want to be a friend that people can trust, and turn to for encouragement, or to vent, to cry, or to laugh with.

I feel that I’ve somewhat accomplished that goal. I have a pretty awesome role model and have learned a lot from watching her and listening to her.  Sometimes, observation is the best way to learn.

So this week, I want to challenge you to do something for a friend. Write a note, make a bracelet, give a hug. Do something unexpected. Maybe you do a lot of things for people and think that they don’t even care. You’re wrong, they do care. Maybe you think that you already put so much time and effort into people that doing something extra for someone would be too much work, you’re wrong.  Maybe that something extra is something that person needs more then you realize.

Often times I fall into a trap. I do things for people, and think they don’t care. I write notes and think that they just don’t matter and are just a piece of paper in the trash, so I ask myself why I write them. Last week I was reminded why when I wrote a girl who I knew was going through some really hard things emotionally a note. She’s not the kind of person to just open up and share exactly what’s on her heart without you having to do a little digging. She came up to me later that day and gave me a huge hug saying that she had woken up feeling beaten down and tired and that my note had made her feel so much better and like someone really cared about her. That little note led into almost a two hour conversation about what was going on with her. It was amazing. The little things really are the things that mean the most.

Day 30

Day 30 – three good things that have happened in the past 30 days


1) I saw my friends Annie and Rachel at church on Sunday
2) I had an amazing birthday with the people that mean the most to me
3) I got to hang out with one of my favorite people ever for a day




Tomorrow I'll be starting another blog challenge, this one a bit different then this one I've been doing. Also hopefully later tonight I'll be posting another blog updating you all on my life, not just the random "day -" posts. 

Day 29

Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.


Hanging out with my girls.

Day 28

Day 28 – Your favorite movie.

I don't have a favorite movie. But these are some I love.

Day 27

Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?

Oh boy. Me last year and me this year? I feel like I'm two completely different people. 

And at the exact same time, I feel like I haven't changed much at all. Here I am with 3 of my best friends almost exactly a year ago. True to who I am, I'm writing someone a note and having people sign it. 

I think that the differences in me are more little ones I've noticed, not ones other people would notice, except for a few really close friends who know me very well. But I think those little changes have gotten me to where I am now, so I'm grateful for them. 

Day 26

Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.

Day 25

Day 25 – What’s in your purse?


This one is easy- nothing! and if there is something in it, it's usually a book

Day 24 and my life

 Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.

Those of you who know me very well know what this necklace means, who gave it to me, and why I wear it all the time. If you know me pretty well, you know I wear it almost every day, and when I misplace it I freak out. 

So. I'm going to be brutally honest in this blog post. Don't read it if you don't like people venting or talking about how they feel. This post is my own personal therapy. Typing things out in words is sometimes the best thing you can do.

This week has been a constant battle between me and the world. That's the only way I can think of to describe where I'm at right now. It seems that from Sunday till now everything has just gone wrong. So much so that I don't even feel anything right now. I feel like I've been wiped clean of all emotions and am a blank slate. Which may be a good thing, or a very bad one. 

I'm not sure what started everything. I was sick Sunday, and incredibly busy working on the pile of homework and studying that I had to do. This week I have 4 tests and 3 papers due. And I've been stressed. It's not like I haven't been stressed before, but this is a different kind of stress then I'm used too, and I can't figure it out. Basically of Sunday and Monday was spent in my bed, wrapped up in a blanket, with homework. I made myself a cave, literally, and didn't come out until I was done studying. I spent easily over 12 hours in there, writing, reading, answering questions, coming out only to answer the door and change out notebooks. I studied and studied and studied. I don't even remember most of Monday, other then it was spent studying. Then yesterday came. And It had already been a beyond sucky morning. English sucked, PLSC was even worse. The only thing I was looking forward to was the letter I was getting in my mailbox that would tell me if I had moved onto the next round of the RA selection. I thought I would go on. I didn't think that in the end I would be an RA, but I did think that I would make it to the next round. I didn't. I was alot more upset about it then I let on. My friend asked me to go with her and sign up for her interview, and I was kind of shocked when I saw some of the other people who had made it through and had signed up, which kind of made the whole thing much harder. But the whole day basically went downhill from there. I crawled back into my cave, this time not coming out at all for almost 5 hours. While in the cave I found out a friend was going to the hospital and that my brother was going to have an EMG. I got a text from someone that threw me completely off center. I also started realizing that even though I had studied for hours and hours and hours, I was going to do very badly on my math test. My mom called and left me a voicemail about how sorry she was about the RA thing (the worst thing to possibly do by the way, though I know she meant well).  I got overwhelmed. And for the first time in a while, I cried. I cried hard. I'm not even sure why. Maybe I was upset over the RA thing. Maybe I was stressed. Maybe I just wanted someone to come and hold me. Maybe because I was mad that I didn't do a good enough job, or that I wasn't good enough. Maybe because I was tired. Who knows. Then my roommate walked in and told me I had a note on the door and handed it to me. I took one look at the handwriting and knew who it was from. Then I cried because I didn't know what else to do. I think this cry was more from how much the note meant to be, and because it was comforting, and because I was relieved. 

After my mini crying session, Caroline came down and sat in the cave with me and we talked, and that was exactly what I needed then and by the time she left I was feeling better. Not better, but I wasn't feeling much. I wasn't sad, or angry, or happy. That's when that empty feeling started. Which I think might have been a good thing. I studied, went to math review, and by the end of the night I was laughing. Laughing at Caroline for being silly, laughing at my roommate for singing so loudly the girls above us could hear her. I was still kind of sad and discouraged, but I wasnt in the state I had been hours earlier.

Then today I had 2 tests. History went okay I think. Math on the other hand, I think I failed. not even joking. Now I have to go study for 2 more tests tomorrow.

The good news is: I have incredible friends.

The great news is: I am going home in 48 hours.

Day 23

Day 23 – 15 facts about you.


1) I am 19 years old
2) I live in South 122
3) I also live in Hobart Indiana
4) I have a border collie puppy that I love dearly
5) I love reading more then just about anything (Harry Potter, oh yeah).

6) I love people and I love doing things for people

7) I love making notes and writing letters

8) My friends mean the world to me

7) I was homeschooled my entire life

8) Ive done musical theater for 6 years

9) My favorite broadway play is wicked

10) I can play the piano

11) I don't like very many foods, but love mac and cheese

12) I'm allergic to peaches

13) I love photography

14) I'm double majoring (Special ed/Elementary ed

15) I hate math with every single fiber of my being.