Those of you who know me very well know what this necklace means, who gave it to me, and why I wear it all the time. If you know me pretty well, you know I wear it almost every day, and when I misplace it I freak out.
So. I'm going to be brutally honest in this blog post. Don't read it if you don't like people venting or talking about how they feel. This post is my own personal therapy. Typing things out in words is sometimes the best thing you can do.
This week has been a constant battle between me and the world. That's the only way I can think of to describe where I'm at right now. It seems that from Sunday till now everything has just gone wrong. So much so that I don't even feel anything right now. I feel like I've been wiped clean of all emotions and am a blank slate. Which may be a good thing, or a very bad one.
I'm not sure what started everything. I was sick Sunday, and incredibly busy working on the pile of homework and studying that I had to do. This week I have 4 tests and 3 papers due. And I've been stressed. It's not like I haven't been stressed before, but this is a different kind of stress then I'm used too, and I can't figure it out. Basically of Sunday and Monday was spent in my bed, wrapped up in a blanket, with homework. I made myself a cave, literally, and didn't come out until I was done studying. I spent easily over 12 hours in there, writing, reading, answering questions, coming out only to answer the door and change out notebooks. I studied and studied and studied. I don't even remember most of Monday, other then it was spent studying. Then yesterday came. And It had already been a beyond sucky morning. English sucked, PLSC was even worse. The only thing I was looking forward to was the letter I was getting in my mailbox that would tell me if I had moved onto the next round of the RA selection. I thought I would go on. I didn't think that in the end I would be an RA, but I did think that I would make it to the next round. I didn't. I was alot more upset about it then I let on. My friend asked me to go with her and sign up for her interview, and I was kind of shocked when I saw some of the other people who had made it through and had signed up, which kind of made the whole thing much harder. But the whole day basically went downhill from there. I crawled back into my cave, this time not coming out at all for almost 5 hours. While in the cave I found out a friend was going to the hospital and that my brother was going to have an EMG. I got a text from someone that threw me completely off center. I also started realizing that even though I had studied for hours and hours and hours, I was going to do very badly on my math test. My mom called and left me a voicemail about how sorry she was about the RA thing (the worst thing to possibly do by the way, though I know she meant well). I got overwhelmed. And for the first time in a while, I cried. I cried hard. I'm not even sure why. Maybe I was upset over the RA thing. Maybe I was stressed. Maybe I just wanted someone to come and hold me. Maybe because I was mad that I didn't do a good enough job, or that I wasn't good enough. Maybe because I was tired. Who knows. Then my roommate walked in and told me I had a note on the door and handed it to me. I took one look at the handwriting and knew who it was from. Then I cried because I didn't know what else to do. I think this cry was more from how much the note meant to be, and because it was comforting, and because I was relieved.
After my mini crying session, Caroline came down and sat in the cave with me and we talked, and that was exactly what I needed then and by the time she left I was feeling better. Not better, but I wasn't feeling much. I wasn't sad, or angry, or happy. That's when that empty feeling started. Which I think might have been a good thing. I studied, went to math review, and by the end of the night I was laughing. Laughing at Caroline for being silly, laughing at my roommate for singing so loudly the girls above us could hear her. I was still kind of sad and discouraged, but I wasnt in the state I had been hours earlier.
Then today I had 2 tests. History went okay I think. Math on the other hand, I think I failed. not even joking. Now I have to go study for 2 more tests tomorrow.
The good news is: I have incredible friends.
The great news is: I am going home in 48 hours.
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