Chase

What a difference a year can make.

This week has proved to be a challenging one. It has been filled with many hard things, but also many good things. As it turns out, the best things often come in very small packages.

Chase has continued, as always, to be a huge blessing to me. His joy for life, his excitement, his curiosity about the world, and his laugh have brought more encouragement to my heart then I can explain to you in words. Chase has been the one this week to bring me the most comfort. When I felt like I was breaking down, his hugs and little "I love you"s made me feel strong enough to get back up and carry the world on my shoulders. 

The past two years have left me with a lot of healing to do this summer. Healing, I now recognize, is necessary before I can really truly be healthy again. Last week someone asked me if it was going to be possible for me to heal here this summer. I said no. If she would ask me that again, I would say yes. Healing is going to happen. I just need to allow it to come in. In the past few months I've started slipping back into a world that I had worked hard to come out of. And I was okay with it. Until this week.

Do you know what it feels like to hear a little one you love so deeply say "I love you" for the first time?

 I sometimes feel like a part-time mom. I am with Chase so often that I feel as if I know him almost as well as Kara and Eric do. They jokingly call me his third parent and I hated that for a long time, but now I'm okay with it. Because there is so much love in my heart for that little boy that he is giving me a reason to fight to come out of that world I started slipping into. He gives me strength. I imagine that would be kind of what a parent would feel like.

I'm not sure why God has me here this summer. I'm still waiting for him to show me how this summer fits in with the rest of the pieces of my life. But I do know this. There is a little boy here who needs me. And if that's the only reason the Lord has me here this summer, then it's totally going to be worth it. And that little boy is helping me heal. One step at a time, I am healing.

There is no easy way to heal; not one cure that will take all the pain away forever. No making it all go away all at once. It's a process. A process in which the Lord takes the scar tissue wrapped so tightly around your heart and begins to break it apart. It hurts. It's painful. But the end result is good. And it takes time. It takes many small steps upward; but it comes. And with it, joy.

Elim

Today, I found out that I didn't get the job at Elim that I have been praying for steadily for the past seven months. My heart is crushed. I don't understand what the Lord is doing right now. And I know that He has an awesome plan and that whatever he wants accomplished this summer will be accomplished. I know that I need to trust Him.

But for today, I am heartbroken. 

I have wanted this job more than anything for months now. And being rejected is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in a while. And tonight, I'm struggling. Tonight, I just wanted someone to come hug me and tell me that the Lord has a plan. Tonight I needed someone to tell ME that it's going to be okay. 

How is it that I am surrounded by 15 beautiful girls all the time and yet feel so very alone?

I don't expect these girls to comfort me. It's not their job. It's my job to love them. And I'm happy that it's that way. 

But I did expect encouragement from others here. People who I respect. People who I love. People who I rush to help as soon as they ask. People who I readily encourage. And when I sought comfort or encouragement from them, I was rejected again. And left feeling more alone then ever. 

All this has led to me being really confused as to what in the world the Lord is doing in my life. What is he teaching me? What is he trying to show me? Is he trying to teach me to depend more on him? To be more self-sufficient? To trust that whatever he has is good? I'm not sure. But tonight, I've been questioning. A lot. 

Why am I here? 

I don't mean to complain. I don't mean to make things seem worse then they are. Please don't take this post as my complaining. This post is my heart tonight. Thanks for listening to it. 

RA Life

Monday morning, I checked in students for 3 hours. Monday afternoon, I checked in students for 2 hours. I jumped around, took keys, gave out new keys, talked with parents, navigated testy waves between 2 roommates, moved a couch, and delivered cookies. 

Tuesday, I spent the day hanging up hall decorations, making door decs now that rooms have officially been decided, and spent time wandering around visiting residents.

You would not believe how long it took me to make 16 of these.

Today, I had quality roommate bonding time and my first official floor event. 

Frozen!

They were VERY excited about the movie. 3 of the girls had not seen it before!

Tonight as I ran down the hall yelling "Come watch Frozen and eat brownies", I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I was obnoxious and outgoing. This job gives me the excuse to do that without making a fool of myself.

I loved every minute of it.

Maybe I'll get used to this whole RA thing after all. 

Transitions

In special education, one thing we always talk about is transition. We talk about where we want our students to end up, what we want them to be able to do, and how we are going to get them there. In IL, transition plans are implemented at 14 and a 1/2 and include transition plans for the areas of education, employment, and when appropriate, independent living. The special education teacher works to develop transition plans for her students. The whole point of the transition plan is to help prepare the student for life after school.

Lately, I've been wishing someone would develop a transition plan for me.

There are a lot of transitions happening in my life right now.

I'm transitioning from a junior in college to a senior.
I'm transitioning from being led by some pretty incredible people to being the leader.
I'm transitioning from a resident to a resident assistant. 
I'm transitioning from having two beautiful roommates whom I love dearly to three roommates who I hardly know.
I'm transitioning from being surrounded by my dearest friends to being surrounded by girls I've never even met.
And on top of that, I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to work this summer, how I am going to survive being completely on my own, and trying to come to terms with the fact that this school year, while it was good, left me broken, bruised, exhausted, and unstable.

I didn't realize the toll this semester had taken on me (emotionally, mentally, and physically), until Thursday when I finished my last final. Within an hour, I came crashing down to the ground as I was hit in the gut with the reality of what this semester had done to me. As I sank onto my couch, I just began to sob. From relief. Pure relief. I was finished and I had made it through. And then I was hit with a whole different reality- the year was over. Some of the people I respect and love the most on campus were graduating. I had committed to being an RA over the summer, which meant I was not going to be home. I had no plan set in stone for where I was going to work this summer. My friends were leaving school while I was to remain behind. And I was being left behind in a mental state of mind that was just asking for trouble. 

I crashed. I crashed hard and fast. I ended up in a friend's room, sitting back by a desk she was cleaning, and full on sobbing for quite some time. She was gracious enough to sit with me, hold my hand, pray with me, and help me calm down. But it wasn't a pretty picture. I think I have only cried that hard in front of a friend one other time in my life. 

When I finally got home on Friday, I just continued to spiral downwards. I spent most of the afternoon throwing up with some sort of 24 hour bug. But that bug left me basically pinned on the couch and required me to rest. Which is what I needed.

Then today, I realized that while there are a lot of transitions happening right now, soon things will settle and become normal. A wise friend told me this week not to think life was bad because right now things are overwhelming. Sometimes, things need to be overwhelming. It makes us appreciate the calm more when it comes. 

So here's to making these transitions with flying colors. Here's to not letting the transitions bring me down. Here's to thriving, not just surviving, here at Trinity this summer. It may be a bumpy ride for the next few days/weeks. But it's one I am determined to make good. 

Hippo-Hoorary, I'm gonna be a RA!

I am taking a quick little break from my finals studying to tell you all the most exciting thing that happened in my life this past week.

Back in March, Kara talked to me about the possibility of being a RA in Tibstra over the summer. Now that the village has closed down, Tibstra has become the summer housing for Trinity students who are either taking summer classes, for international students, or for students who are working on/off campus and do not want to go home. At first, I was a little hesitant about it. It means I am not going home at all for the summer. I've never not been home for summer before and the thought was honestly a little terrifying.

But after lots of prayer and conversations with dear friends and a wonderful professor, I have moved forward and have taken the position, and I couldn't be any more excited! I get to stay in my same room which means I do not have to move any of my stuff out. I'll have anywhere between 15-25 girls on the floor depending on what month it is. I'll also have two roommates, neither of whom I know well, but am looking forward to getting to know. I'll also be working alongside Brandon Taylor (the RA for the boys floor) and Lauren Outcalt (the South Hall RD) and I am so excited to see what the Lord does in our relationships over the next three and a half months.

I am sure I will be much more excited towards the end of next week when finals are over and I can start planning things for my floor. I definitely want to do name tags (for my own personal reference) and some sort of hall decoration (though I haven't even remotely thought about that). Really I am just excited for the opportunity to love these girls that the Lord will be bringing into my life. I am praying that He will use me in whatever ways these girls need.

Maybe I'll use these adorable things for name tags ;)

The Impact of a Teacher

The past few weeks have been really difficult for me as I have tried to balance my classes, homework, responsibilities such as Chase and Roseland, friends, and family. As the end of the semester quickly approaches classes are becoming more intense, stress levels are being raised, and breakdowns are becoming more frequent. It has been in these moments though that I have realized the impact a teacher can have.

There are so many types of teachers in our lives. There are the obvious teachers; our professors, our cooperating teachers, our nursing supervisors. But there are also other teachers in our lives. Our friends can be teachers. The children we work with, babysit for, and love can be teachers. Our resident directors can be teachers. Heck, a complete stranger can be a teacher.

I have begun to see in the last few weeks how big of an impact teachers can have, no matter who they are. Chase has taught me more about life then most people. He has taught me how to be patient, how to persevere, how to accept help, and how to become more independent. He has shown me how to love and has shown me grace time and time again. He's only 19 months old and he is teaching me as much as I am teaching him. We are growing together. 

Other people are teaching me how to accept love. Those who know me best know that I struggle to accept love, from anyone. I don't feel as though I deserve it and often I push it away. I would much rather be the one to take care of then the one being taken care of. I think of myself as an independent person completely capable of taking care of herself, and so I don't let others in in the way I should. This year I have been challenged in that and have been surrounded by people who have been teaching me how to accept love. Lately, it's been this girl. 

For those of you who don't know her, this is Kari. She is another special education/elementary education double major at Trinity and while I have known her face and name since freshman year, we have not become close until this year and really these past few months. This semester Kari and I literally have the same life...We have all 6 classes together, have commitments that take up an unhealthy amount of time, and understand what the other is going through. I have been blessed by her this semester and the Lord is using her to teach me so much, including that it is okay to accept love. And slowly but surely, I'm letting her in. And slowly but surely, I think she is letting me in too. Our friendship is certainly genuine and I have learned much from her this semester as we have grown together. 

Professor Harkema, my favorite professor at Trinity, is teaching me that it is okay to say you are not okay or that you are struggling. Professor Harkema has always been someone I had admired. I took my first class with her last year and was blown away by how fabulous she was. She is the type of teacher that I want to be. This year I have gotten to know her a little bit more and through conversations have come to know that she struggles with some things that I also struggle with. A few weeks ago this was confirmed through a conversation we had and in that moment I realized that she was someone I could open up with and be honest with about things going on. And I was. I told her some of my fears, some of my concerns, and was encouraged greatly by the conversation that we had. She has become someone that I feel as if I can really trust, and those people are far and few between. And she has certainly been teaching me more than just how to be a great special education teacher. She is teaching me that and SO much more. She is teaching me how to admit you are not okay. She is teaching me not to be ashamed of the struggle. She is teaching me how noticing you students are hurting is a way to connect with them. She is teaching me ways to make a difference in the lives of students. I am so thankful for the opportunity to have her has a professor again this year.

Teachers have a huge impact on us. Our school teachers, our friends, our families, the children we care for, they all have something to teach us. That something may be something big or something small, but the fact is they have it to offer us. We can learn from them and we should be learning from them. The Lord puts teachers in our lives for a reason. No matter how big or how small. Let them make a difference. Then go make a difference yourself. You too are a teacher. Never underestimate the impact you can have.

Lessons from a Baby Boy

Yesterday was one of those, "we can't stay inside or we are going to explode...or the room is going to explode" kinds of days. These days often come at the most inconvenient times; they have either been days that have left even Frosty the Snowman wanting to hide by a fire or days that it is raining so hard you would think that there was going to be a flood.

But yesterday? Yesterday was perfect.

So I packed up baby and we went outside. For the second time this year we went and we played at the park. 

Finally.

While it was a little cold, I knew that we would be running around and staying warm. So we went. And we played on the swings, we hid in the rock climbing play center, and we threw wood-chips around.

Then little Mr. Adventure decided he was bored. He wanted to move on to the slide. And not the baby slide. The slide that was so big that he looked so small and Emmy thought she might have a heart-attack kind of slide.

So for a half an hour I helped him go down the slide. It became apparent right away we were going to have to start at step 1 because he immediately wanted to try and walk down the slide.

So we started at step 1. I showed him how to stop at the edge of the slide and to sit down. I showed him how to edge himself forward just enough so that he could catch his balance before sliding down. And I held his hand as he slid down the tall and scary slide that apparently was becoming less tall and less scary as we continued to go down time and time again.

Eventually he mastered the stairs himself, so all I had to do was stand there and hold his hand as he slid down. So I did. Over and over and over.

Then as I took my position at the top of the slide, waiting for him to take my hand, he pushed it away gently and clearly said, "No Emmy." I looked at him, torn between letting him do it himself and my fear that he would fall down. But the little determined look on his face said if I tried to help him I would be in trouble with little Mr. Dare Devil. So I took the smallest of steps back and said, "Okay Chase. You do it." And down he went. All by himself.

The smile on his face was one of pure joy. He had slid down the big hairy, scary, tall slide all by himself and he couldn't have been more thrilled. Over and over again he slid down the slide by himself, each time laughing as if it was the first time he had gone sliding down.

Then Mr. Adventure decided he didn't need to sit down first. He ended up sliding down on his belly and he did not care for that at all. He was scared. He was unsure.

But he got back up. He walked up the stairs to the slide, sat down, and called for me. "Emmy, Emmy. Help." I held his hand and down he went. For a few minutes after he fell he held my hand, retesting the waters and regaining his confidence. But eventually he told me to let go. So I did. And down he went.

It is okay to ask for help sometimes. When we are scared and confused, it is okay to reach out and to ask someone to hold our hand. It is okay to lean on the support of others as we regain our confidence in ourselves and those around us. Because eventually, we always get back up.

#SPEDlife

This past week we were assigned a project in which we had to adapt a book using boardmaker. While others complained about this being an obnoxious project, I was super excited for it. 

I love kids with special needs.
I love using Boardmaker.
I love doing projects that are actually worthwhile!!

And so I began the process of adapting my book. And I am loving it :)

Stay tuned for pictures of the final product :)

I was so meant to be a sped teacher. 

I'm gonna make it

This week has been challenging. The week to come will be even more so. 

But I'm gonna make it.

I'm gonna make it because there is a God who loves me watching over me, right this minute. He has planned out my days and knows what they will bring. And he will provide.

He is already providing. He is showing me how faithful He is, each and every day. 

This weekend I have seen him working in pretty awesome ways. 

1) friendship. The Lord has begun to heal a friendship that was very broken; one I had nearly given up on. But slowly and surely this past few months The Lord has been working to heal and to grow this friendship back into something beautiful. I'm not sure what changed, but I am soooo incredibly thankful. I have been blessed greatly through this friendship this past week. I can't wait to see what the Lord does from here.

I spent time with these two... 

Max came to visit trinity these past few days. It has been so fabulous to have him here with me! There is something so incredibly wonderful about having him near. I am blessed to have a brother that I can trust and rely on. 

And tonight, I danced the night away with some pretty incredible students from Elim Christian school. And with that, I danced away(more like the Lord took away) all my fears and nerves about this coming week. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. God is providing. 

And I'm gonna make it. 

Blessed