On Being a Nanny

For the most part, I absolutely love what I do.

I love waking up each day knowing this smiling face will be spending the day with me.

I love knowing that this little girl will come and bring in a whole new level of excitement to our day...Because friends, Henessey is a BIG deal. She's five and can do the big green slide all by herself.

I love knowing that each day, while it will have it's own adventures, will follow a similar routine. I love knowing that the kids will be happy, no matter what we do or where we go. I love that they still love the little things- like chalk and bike rides and sunglasses.

I love that on days when I just need a break, they'll sit together and watch a movie. Even if they've seen it 1001 times.

I love talking with this one about starting school...and hearing what she's excited for and what makes her nervous. You're never too young to sit on a bench and share your heart with someone. I'm glad she's choosing to share it with me.

I love that this guy still loves to cuddle...and that he is always ready to make a silly face when I want him too. And that he still loves to explore the world around him. 

But most of all? I love watching them grow. Chase has come so far these past few months. He is now regularly talking in 3-4 word sentences...Some of the most common?

• "I paint that, Emmy!"
• "Where Henessey go?"
• "What is that?"
• "Paint in Emmy's room?"
• "EMMY. Juice please. Thanks."
• "Emmy, park please?"
• "Read books, Emmy."
• "Bike ride..Helmet."

And my personal favorite:

• "EMMY. CHANGE MY DIAPER." 

Being able to be a nanny comes with so many blessings. But there's also challenges.

Such as figuring out how to deal with just being the nanny.

I guess I started feeling this way even at the end of the school year. But the feeling of being just a nanny has only intensified these past few weeks. Sometimes, when Kara comes to pick up Chase, I have to restrain myself in order to keep myself from crying. I miss her. I miss her a lot. There's so much I want to tell her. So much I want her to know. And yet, she never asks these days. And so I don't tell. I'm the nanny. And I love being the nanny. Like I've said before, there's no one (besides Kara and Eric) who loves that little boy more than I do. I wouldn't trade my time with him for the world. But sometimes? Sometimes it's hard to be just a nanny. 

But I'm going to do my best to be patient. I'm going to do my best to do my job, and to do it well. And I'm going to do my best to continue to serve and love, even though right now, I feel very....I'm not sure what word describes what I best feel. I'll leave you to fill in the pieces. 

Chase

What a difference a year can make.

This week has proved to be a challenging one. It has been filled with many hard things, but also many good things. As it turns out, the best things often come in very small packages.

Chase has continued, as always, to be a huge blessing to me. His joy for life, his excitement, his curiosity about the world, and his laugh have brought more encouragement to my heart then I can explain to you in words. Chase has been the one this week to bring me the most comfort. When I felt like I was breaking down, his hugs and little "I love you"s made me feel strong enough to get back up and carry the world on my shoulders. 

The past two years have left me with a lot of healing to do this summer. Healing, I now recognize, is necessary before I can really truly be healthy again. Last week someone asked me if it was going to be possible for me to heal here this summer. I said no. If she would ask me that again, I would say yes. Healing is going to happen. I just need to allow it to come in. In the past few months I've started slipping back into a world that I had worked hard to come out of. And I was okay with it. Until this week.

Do you know what it feels like to hear a little one you love so deeply say "I love you" for the first time?

 I sometimes feel like a part-time mom. I am with Chase so often that I feel as if I know him almost as well as Kara and Eric do. They jokingly call me his third parent and I hated that for a long time, but now I'm okay with it. Because there is so much love in my heart for that little boy that he is giving me a reason to fight to come out of that world I started slipping into. He gives me strength. I imagine that would be kind of what a parent would feel like.

I'm not sure why God has me here this summer. I'm still waiting for him to show me how this summer fits in with the rest of the pieces of my life. But I do know this. There is a little boy here who needs me. And if that's the only reason the Lord has me here this summer, then it's totally going to be worth it. And that little boy is helping me heal. One step at a time, I am healing.

There is no easy way to heal; not one cure that will take all the pain away forever. No making it all go away all at once. It's a process. A process in which the Lord takes the scar tissue wrapped so tightly around your heart and begins to break it apart. It hurts. It's painful. But the end result is good. And it takes time. It takes many small steps upward; but it comes. And with it, joy.

Transitions

In special education, one thing we always talk about is transition. We talk about where we want our students to end up, what we want them to be able to do, and how we are going to get them there. In IL, transition plans are implemented at 14 and a 1/2 and include transition plans for the areas of education, employment, and when appropriate, independent living. The special education teacher works to develop transition plans for her students. The whole point of the transition plan is to help prepare the student for life after school.

Lately, I've been wishing someone would develop a transition plan for me.

There are a lot of transitions happening in my life right now.

I'm transitioning from a junior in college to a senior.
I'm transitioning from being led by some pretty incredible people to being the leader.
I'm transitioning from a resident to a resident assistant. 
I'm transitioning from having two beautiful roommates whom I love dearly to three roommates who I hardly know.
I'm transitioning from being surrounded by my dearest friends to being surrounded by girls I've never even met.
And on top of that, I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to work this summer, how I am going to survive being completely on my own, and trying to come to terms with the fact that this school year, while it was good, left me broken, bruised, exhausted, and unstable.

I didn't realize the toll this semester had taken on me (emotionally, mentally, and physically), until Thursday when I finished my last final. Within an hour, I came crashing down to the ground as I was hit in the gut with the reality of what this semester had done to me. As I sank onto my couch, I just began to sob. From relief. Pure relief. I was finished and I had made it through. And then I was hit with a whole different reality- the year was over. Some of the people I respect and love the most on campus were graduating. I had committed to being an RA over the summer, which meant I was not going to be home. I had no plan set in stone for where I was going to work this summer. My friends were leaving school while I was to remain behind. And I was being left behind in a mental state of mind that was just asking for trouble. 

I crashed. I crashed hard and fast. I ended up in a friend's room, sitting back by a desk she was cleaning, and full on sobbing for quite some time. She was gracious enough to sit with me, hold my hand, pray with me, and help me calm down. But it wasn't a pretty picture. I think I have only cried that hard in front of a friend one other time in my life. 

When I finally got home on Friday, I just continued to spiral downwards. I spent most of the afternoon throwing up with some sort of 24 hour bug. But that bug left me basically pinned on the couch and required me to rest. Which is what I needed.

Then today, I realized that while there are a lot of transitions happening right now, soon things will settle and become normal. A wise friend told me this week not to think life was bad because right now things are overwhelming. Sometimes, things need to be overwhelming. It makes us appreciate the calm more when it comes. 

So here's to making these transitions with flying colors. Here's to not letting the transitions bring me down. Here's to thriving, not just surviving, here at Trinity this summer. It may be a bumpy ride for the next few days/weeks. But it's one I am determined to make good. 

Hippo-Hoorary, I'm gonna be a RA!

I am taking a quick little break from my finals studying to tell you all the most exciting thing that happened in my life this past week.

Back in March, Kara talked to me about the possibility of being a RA in Tibstra over the summer. Now that the village has closed down, Tibstra has become the summer housing for Trinity students who are either taking summer classes, for international students, or for students who are working on/off campus and do not want to go home. At first, I was a little hesitant about it. It means I am not going home at all for the summer. I've never not been home for summer before and the thought was honestly a little terrifying.

But after lots of prayer and conversations with dear friends and a wonderful professor, I have moved forward and have taken the position, and I couldn't be any more excited! I get to stay in my same room which means I do not have to move any of my stuff out. I'll have anywhere between 15-25 girls on the floor depending on what month it is. I'll also have two roommates, neither of whom I know well, but am looking forward to getting to know. I'll also be working alongside Brandon Taylor (the RA for the boys floor) and Lauren Outcalt (the South Hall RD) and I am so excited to see what the Lord does in our relationships over the next three and a half months.

I am sure I will be much more excited towards the end of next week when finals are over and I can start planning things for my floor. I definitely want to do name tags (for my own personal reference) and some sort of hall decoration (though I haven't even remotely thought about that). Really I am just excited for the opportunity to love these girls that the Lord will be bringing into my life. I am praying that He will use me in whatever ways these girls need.

Maybe I'll use these adorable things for name tags ;)

Because I don't feel like doing my homework- Update #1!

My motivation to write my research paper is quickly dwindling. I'm hoping that I find some inspiration for writing while writing this blog post. ;)

So in the past month I have been very successful at neglecting all my blogging responsibilities. Because of that, I have not yet blogged about any of the exciting events that have happened in my life. So this week I am blogging a series of what I will call "Updates: The Exciting Events I haven't yet Blogged About." (Original huh? #springbreak)

So here you are: Update #1: My 21st Birthday!

Let me start by saying that I don't feel any older than I did the day before I turned 21. I think I've been asked that question at least 21 times. :P

My birthday celebration started on Tuesday (my actual birthday was Saturday). Both of my roommates go home on the weekends, but they wanted to make sure they celebrated with me. In true Emily fashion, we celebrated in the most outrageous of ways. We ordered a pizza, watched a movie, and ate cake. (Big shocker eh?). It was wonderful. We watched the Freedom Writers...such a powerful and inspiring movie!

Then on Friday night I hung out with Kari and Alyssa...we watched Freedom Writers becausae Kari hadn't seen it and I was on a kick. At midnight they sang to me and within a few minutes some other people had shown up to sing as well...Kari's roommates came, Molly and her roommates came, Woody came, and Katie. It was a small group, but it was most of my favorite people, so it meant a lot. I am thankful they decided to sing to me in the safety of my bedroom instead of the lobby :)

Kari and I finally went to bed around 3am- she slept over in my room which was super fun! We slept in until about 9am and then she left to go to her basketball game. I spent time doing devos and spent time reflecting on the past year before leaving at 11am to go hang out with Kara, which was by far my favorite part of the day.

I have really struggled this year (no surprise to those of you who read my blog regularly) with the very limited amount of quality time I get to spend with Kara.  It was really hard for me to go from meeting with her every week (sophomore year) to only being able to spend actual time (time that has been specifically set aside) with her once every now and then. So this time with her was really precious to me. 

We went for coffee/tea first at this little place right near Trinity. It's become a place we visit frequently when we do end up spending time together. We ordered our drinks and then sat and talked for about a half an hour before heading out for our next adventure.

She took me to the Little Red Schoolhouse in Willow Springs, IL. I can't believe I had never been there before! It's a nature center, sort of like my dear Lake Katherine, but bigger. Inside there were tons of different kinds of things to explore. My favorite thing was by far the turtles. They were SO cute!!

Kara and I sat in front of the turtles for at least a half hour just talking and laughing. We were really the only people there, so it was perfect. Also, this place has crocodile turtles. They are creepy.

http://gapersblock.com/airbags/archives/rearranging_turtles/

Overall, that time with Kara was needed and SO SO appreciated. She made me feel so super special. I am so thankful for that time I got to spend with her.

The next several hours were spent hanging out with my dear Alyssa, who also did a fantastic job of making me feel special and loved on my birthday. I swear, this girl is a beautiful gift from God. I am so thankful for the friendship we share!

After that I went out for dinner with my family and Molly (who might as well be family) and we had a lot of fun just talking and laughing and telling stories. The food was great, the company was great, overall it was just a great time together.

Then I came back and just hung around with people- whoever I could find. And I celebrated by going to bed early. Yiipppee!!

My birthday was celebrated again later the next week when Lette and I went on our own set of adventures. We went for coffee and hit up Lake Katherine in the freezing cold. It was pretty fabulous all the same.

Words cannot express how thankful I am that Lette is back from Ecuador! It's been so wonderful to have her back right down the hall from me. I am blessed.

So there you have it! Thank you all who helped make my birthday a wonderfully fantastic day. I am so thankful for each and every one of you!

Stay tuned for Update #2: Housing! 

It's Been Awhile

I know. I know. It's been way to long since I've updated you all on things going on here.

I think a big part of that has to do with my mood. This cold is really starting to become a pom-pom stealer. Meaning- it's making me miserable. I want to go outside. I want to walk around Lake Katherine without getting so cold that my teeth hurt. I want to go out and roller-blade. I want to take Chase to the park and for a walk around the block. I'm getting stir crazy. 

But in all honesty- the cold has not been the only pom-pom stealer that's been prominent in my life as of late.

The pom-pom stealer loves to do everything possible to rob me of any joy in any situation that I find myself in. And she's been more invasive than normal these past two weeks and I have found that several of my friends are also feeling her nauseating presence as well. A feeling that has been confirmed by an increase in needed conversations, hugs, and tears. 

And so yesterday- I said I was done. And instead- I'm actively seeking joy. 

Joy in the sunshine that was shining through my window this morning.

Joy in the laughter of the baby playing with bubbles. 

Joy in the group of girls who I would be totally lost without.

Joy in the little Aloe plant that keeps on growing.  

Joy in the beautiful roommates/dear friends who last year I would have never pictured being close with.

And most of all, joy in the Lord. I have not been spending solid time with him as of late, and it is literally affecting every part of my being. Probably the reason the pom-pom stealer has made her way in so quickly.

So my dear friends...don't let the pom-pom stealer invade. Go out today purposeful. Find reasons to sing. 

Playing Catch Up

This past week back at Trin has been a whirlwind of adventures, excitement, tears(happy and sad), unspeakable joy, and reunions. 

Probably one of the most joyous moments of this week was when I walked out of my friend Lori's room to see Lette sitting at her kitchen table. Tears filled my eyes as I ran to hug her and joy filled my heart as I realized, "she's here..really here." I saw Lette when she first got back from Ecuador, but only for a short time before leaving for Christmas break. So to see her and to realize that we wouldn't be saying goodbye for some time as the most wonderful feeling. I love having her back here.

The beginning of this week was both exciting and challenging. I spent a TON of time with Chase on Tuesday and Wednesday (probably somewhere around 15 hours total). It was wonderful- but exhausting. He was really not feeling well on Wednesday, which basically meant all he wanted was to be held- by me. He didn't want anything to do with anyone else, except Kara once she came back. 

This picture basically sums up our day.

Some of the more exciting moments of this week:

• Tea with Lette. She came over on Tuesday night for a few hours and we just sat and drank tea, somewhat caught up on life, looked through Ecuador pictures, and just enjoyed being together. I am SO happy she is back. Sometimes it still amazes me that she's right down the hall. :) Anyways, these two hours together were precious, and it was sooooo wonderful to be able to spend that time with her.
• Coffee with Kaity. On Wednesday morning Kaity and I went to the Panini XpressO coffee house right down the road from Trinity and enjoyed time together, with no homework to do and no distractions. It was pure bliss. We planned set times we can see each other each week throughout the semester, drank wonderful coffee, and she celebrated with me a mini personal victory (I take the mini victories for everything they are these days). 
• Classes starting. I know, a weird highlight. But having all of the education majors back together again was fabulous. We definitely have a core group- Kari, Kathryn, Brie, Jaclyn, Jessica, Alyssa, and myself, and it was WONDERFUL to be together again. That's why classes were exciting. I'm already seeing how relationships this semester are going to be grown and shaped, and that also excites me.

I've also gotten to spend some pretty quality time with Caroline and Lori, which is really really exciting for me. We really haven't done anything but hang out and chat about the most random things, but it's wonderful to spend time around them again. 

And now I am off to do homework. Because reality has started setting in, and I have a WHOLE lot to do. Yay! 

Until next time.

Pure Contentment

That is what I felt as I drove up to Trinity this past Monday evening. I'll get to that in a moment.

The last time I blogged I had just returned from a wonderful trip up to Trin. That was on Friday. Friday evening I went with Max to his basketball game, which was actually really fun. We sat behind a couple who had a child with special needs, so I was totally in my element. Saturday we just spent time relaxing as a family and hanging out together. Sunday morning I met up with Anna for coffee before heading to church, played Catan with my family, and then massively cleaned my room. Monday I spent the morning with my neighbor girls, who by the way are beyond adorable, played games with the fam-bam, and then headed up to Trinity around 9pm. 

As soon as I had arrived at Trinity and dropped my bags off in my room, I headed down to Molly's room where a group of girls were watching The Incredibles. There were around ten of us in there and it was super fun! When the movie was over we spent a pretty significant amount of time just talking and laughing. It was so great to be back there with everyone. 

Tuesday was an all around fabulous day. I hung out with the little man all morning, from 9am to 1pm, hung out with Melissa for a little bit, spent some time with Kara, and then I went to Roseland with Heather, which was a blast! We had SO much fun with all of the kids and it was SO good to see their smiling faces back there. I also had a pretty major break through with one of the girls, which was SUPER encouraging and exciting.

Heather and I booked it out of there at 6:15 so that we could make it back to Trinity in time to go see Frozen with our floor. It was a blast! Molly took a trin-van full of girls to see the movie. $5 and FREE popcorn. And by the way, if you haven't seen Frozen, GO SEE IT. Right now. Seriously. And if you can't go see it, at least listen to this song.

Wednesday once again I spent the day with Chase. I had him from 10:30am-1:30pm and then again from 3pm-4pm. Then I FINALLY had the opportunity to spend solid time with Molly. What a blessing that girl is. I really enjoy the times that we get to spend together, just us.

I'll write about today tomorrow, because it deserves more justice then my absolutely exhausted self can do tonight. 

Until then, peace out friends.

A Visit to Trinity

This past Wednesday- Friday I went up and spent at Trinity. I didn't realize how ready I was to be back at school until I was there. Wednesday I spent the day unpacking, getting stuff organized, and visiting with many people. Alyssa came to Trinity to visit me and we hung out for most of the afternoon, then I spent solid time with Lori and Brittany just talking and laughing (I've missed those girls like crazy), and then I spent the rest of the evening in Molly's room playing games with other girls from the floor. There were about twelve of us there, and it was SUPER fun!

Thursday I spent the morning with CHASE! Oh my goodness. It was so good to see him. As soon as he saw me walking to Kara's office he got really excited and was calling for me. Chase is signing a LOT now. He can sign please, thank you, more, apple, eat, yes, and no. He's also starting to talk a lot more, which is adorable. Thursday I heard him say, "Emmy", "I'm done", "Up", "Ball", "Cup", and "Shoot" (I quickly realized now I have to watch what I say...woops to that one). He also got a hair cut. Here's a visual for you all who aren't back at Trin yet.

The rest of Thursday afternoon I spent hanging out with Melissa. We made food, watched Gilmore Girls, and just caught up. Lots of things in our room changed over break without us knowing- the major change being that Kylie moved out without telling any of us. We got to the room on Wednesday and were shocked to find all of her stuff gone. 

Thursday night I spent over two hours talking with Ashley. It was fabulous. You know you have a true friend when you can talk about anything and know there will never be any judgement from the other person. The conversations that we had were truth filled and I think very needed for us both. I am really thankful for Ashley and for the way that the Lord has healed our friendship over this past semester. 

Friday morning I once again spent with Chase. It was great. He attacked me with kisses, modeled for me, and then we ran around so much he eventually fell asleep on me. Perfect morning right there.

After Kara picked up Chase, it was time to head home so I could make it in time for Max's basketball game. That was fun, but my heart is definitely ready to be back at Trinity. But for now, I am going to enjoy my time at home with my family. 

Finals Week...and Break Thus Far.

Holy cow! It's time to play a round of catch up!

It was brought to my attention the other day that it had been weeks since I wrote my last blog post. So now I am actually sitting down to take the time to write about what's been going on in my life as of late...I promise- you haven't missed anything exciting.

Finals week proved to be challenging- it wasn't so much that my finals themselves were challenging, but more that the week held many little battles to fight and mountains to climb that I wasn't quite expecting. Some of these included a general lack of sleep, being stressed due to the state of our room- it was a DISASTER, having to deal with multiple exploding diapers- and when I mean exploding, I mean literally ALL. OVER, having to figure out how to navigate finals week without my laptop, and just trying to manage every day life. It honestly wasn't that bad, but there were moments during the week that I just wanted to be home and away from Trinity. But there were also moments I wouldn't trade for the world- like being able to go ice skating with the Roseland kiddos.

Love this little one.

Kaitlin!

These sweet girls have taught me so much about true joy, love, patience, and perseverance. Their stories are incredible, and I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to pour into them. 

But then come Friday all of that stress simply vanished. I was finally able to say that I had conquered the semester and to celebrate I spent the day just relaxing...I went and got coffee with my dear Ashley and caught up on her life and caught her up on mine, I did some last minute Christmas shopping, and then spent the rest of the day with Chase while Kara caught up on some grad school work and checked out students.

Friday night I was literally one of the ONLY people in Tibstra Hall and so I spent the night watching Gilmore Girls, cleaning, wrapping presents, and thoroughly enjoying alone time. It was actually really good for me to be able to just spend time thinking, praying, and reflecting on the semester.

Saturday I kept Chase for the morning/early afternoon, meaning from 7am-2pm. It was really great to be able to spend that time with him while his mama was away. We also took some Christmas pictures.....

He knows when I say, "CHASE, SMILE BIG!" that he is supposed to look at me and smile. It's pretty adorable.

So. Sassy.

Pretty stinkin adorable he is.

Also on Saturday, LETTE CAME HOME!!! Words cannot possibly express the pure joy that filled my heart when I walked up the stairs to see her standing in Molly's room. I am entirely convinced that if I hadn't been holding Chase I would have been a bawling mess. It was so great to see her, to hug her, to be with her, and to hear her laugh. It almost felt like she had never left as we were all sitting on the floor together, talking, swapping stories, drinking tea and eating good food. It was wonderful.

But as amazing as it was to spend the day with Chase and to welcome Lette back, Saturday was also a day full of sadness.

I had to say goodbye to Roch.

I could have never been prepared for this, even though I knew it was coming. Rochelle has the incredible opportunity to study abroad next semester in Kenya. And though my heart is so excited for her to have that chance to impact the lives of the people in Kenya, my heart also is so deeply saddened by her leaving. I have never been at Trinity without Roch. Since freshman year she has been by my side, leading me, guiding me, caring for me, pouring into me, praying for me, tackling me, and challenging me to be a woman of God. Rochelle has had a HUGE impact on who I am today. I cannot imagine Trinity without her. Words cannot express how much I am going to miss her and the beautiful woman of God that she is.

After all of this, I was finally able to GO HOME.

Home is good. Really good.

Week one of break has truly been wonderful. Saturday night we hung out as a family, watched a movie, and just enjoyed being together. Molly was also with us, which just added to the fun.

Molly has now been with my family for periods of time over both Thanksgiving and Christmas break and through these visits I have definitely been able to get to know her more and the more I get to know her the more I am blessed by the beautiful woman of God that she is. It is so clear that she loves the Lord and that she cares deeply for my brother and even for my family. And she really is one of us. She fits in so well with my family, with how we work, and it really feels like she has been around forever. I think that's part of the reason I have been able to open up with her some these past few weeks. Her sweetness, gentleness, and joy are such a blessing to me and I am thankful for the friend/sister I have found in her. I hope that in these next weeks our friendship continues to grow.

Other highlights of break thus far...

• ELIM!!! On Wednesday I had the opportunity to go up to Elim for the whole day. It was SO good to be able to be there, with my kids and with Mrs. Ashley. My heart was filled with a joy I can't even explain the moment I walked into the building. I belong there. I just do. 

• EM! It has been so good to be back with my dear Emily. I have missed her so much this semester and it has been wonderful to be able to talk with her, catch up with her, laugh with her, and just be with her. Em and I are to the point where we can really do anything and have fun. I am so blessed to have her as my best friend.
• Hangout with Em, Nikki, Molly, and Caroline....On Thursday night all of these beautiful girls were at my house. I cannot even explain what a joy it was to have them all here. We had so much fun just talking, laughing, and being together. I've missed that. 

• Hanging out with Jacob! Oh how I have missed him! This week I was able to spend the afternoon with him, which hasn't happened since I left for college. It was great to be able to spend time with him doing crafts and laughing together.

• Babysitting Jack and Ava! This was also really the first time I got to spend solid time with these two crazies since I left back in August. It was sooooo fun to be there with them! Molly also came with me for the morning part, which was really fun. The kids loved her. 

And for now, I think that's a wrap! I have another post in mind, but you all are going to have to wait till tomorrow for that one.