When loving hurts

It was 3:30pm. I sipped my coffee, watching the  doors intently. I eventually saw her walking in, that is my old best friend, and I was hit with what felt like 100 different emotions at once. She ordered her coffee before sitting down at my table. “It’s been a while” she said, and I was grateful she was the one to start the conversation.  I gave her a big smile and we started talking, mostly small talk, avoiding what we had met to talk about in a way I think only we were capable of doing.  To the observer we probably looked like best friends who hadn’t seen eachother in a while. We knew better, we were more like “friendly” enemies then friends. The last time we had talked (aside from arranging this meeting) I had told her happy birthday and she had called me a bitch. Ouch. Eventually we moved onto the more serious issues that we had met to discuss, including why our friendship ended the way it did and why she thought it was okay to treat me as horribly as she did the last 8 months of our friendship (boy that was interesting). And how it would work if we ever did a summer musical again together. But it went surprisingly well and we worked through it in a way that I think made us both feel a bit better. It ended on a good note, we hugged goodbye (woah) and we were getting into our cars (somehow they were parked next to eachother, despite arriving at different times) but she called to me before I closed my door. “Em, I have one last question.” I waited for her to continue.   "Why did you treat me so nicely when I treated you so horribly?” I looked at her and thought for a moment and my response went something like this. “I don’t know really. Because I loved you I guess. Though don’t get me wrong, sometimes it took all I had to be nice. But I loved you. What else was I supposed to do? And partly because I had no idea how to stand up for myself, or to you.”  She looked at me. “I knew you were going to say something like that.” “Well. You were my best friend for 3 years. What do you expect?“  She smiled and got in her car. (It was nice to know that although we’ll probably never be friends again,  and we probably won’t talk ever,  at least we aren’t enemies any more). I got in mine. But as I was driving it got me thinking about our past friendship, my friendships now, my life in general.  And her question ended up being one of those questions that pushed me into a revolving door that I couldn’t escape.

“Why did I let her treat me that way?” “Why didn’t I stand up for myself?” “Was it because I was too weak?” “Did I bring all that hurt on myself?” I started asking these questions and more over and over again.  

After quite a while I came to several conclusions.

1) Sometimes it takes a whole lot of strength to be kind to someone who isn't kind to you. But it is often necessary, and is always the right thing to do. 

I found this picture earlier today. And it is so true. Even in relationships I have today. Sometimes I get exhausted trying to keep the relationship going, or keep having hope for things to get better and work out. Sometimes it takes all of me to be kind and sweet when I feel like I'm constantly being pushed away. It is often a lot harder for me to be kind then it would be for me to just snap and throw up my hands and give up. But thats just it, I don't ever give up. This lead me to my second conclusion.

2) I won't give up on relationships (I wrote a blog on this a while back) even if being in those relationships ends up just hurting me (often this is not the case, but there are those occasional friendships or whatever that I just end up being hurt by). Even when I'm so hurt I just bounce back from it and have another go at it. I'll give you and example. I have a friend that has hurt me quite a bit, but every time I think about giving up, I send a message or do something for that person, to remind myself to keep going. Sometimes all it takes is saying something nice. This is because whenever my back is against a wall, afraid to keep going or afraid of being hurt, there is this person who appears in me. She has a tendency to show up whenever I'm hurt and I'm tempted to stop trying. She's part determination, part love, and part too stupid to know any better. She has a tendency to go, "oh, you think you've given it your all and that you can't do anymore? well, watch this!" And off she and I go, diving in head first, putting our all back into whatever it is I was tempted to run from. And for the most part, I love it and its a good thing. It helps me keep going. But sometimes I just want to kick her and tell her to go away. Which leads me to my 3rd conclusion.

3) Living this way isn't easy. When you put yourself into relationships like this, where you open yourself up to someone, in an effort to show them, "Look, I trust and love you, I'm being open with you, and kind to you, because I want to be friends with you and you should be open with and kind to me too", sometimes you face the terror of falling down and having no one to catch you. But if some of us don't live like this, how would things ever change? We should do what is right and be kind, even if it's difficult. (I've been watching Little House, talk about reliving your childhood, and there's an episode where Laura and Mary have to deal with snippy Nellie Olsen, and whenever Laura complains to Ma, Ma just replies, "do unto others". great reminder)

Which got me to thinking that if I want something to change that just isn't changing, I have to step up and be the one to change it. I never really liked the quote "be the change you want to see in the world" but I'm realizing more and more how true it is, however cheesy it may be. But then I got to thinking why I am the way I am. What about me makes me keep loving people who hurt me or want nothing to do with me?

Enter good old Grandma J. I've gotten to spend sometime with her this week, and we've had some really great talks about life, God, people, whatever. So when I was with her yesterday, I just asked her. "Grandma, why do you think we keep loving people when they hurt us?" She looked at me and asked me to explain a little. So I did. And we ended up having an hour conversation about it. And one of the things she said went something like this, "well, probably because that's what you've been taught. From your parents, from your grandparents, from your church family. Loving others was instilled in you when you were a child and is something that you've seen lived out right in front of you. Loving others is what Jesus has taught you." She went on to give examples, such as when we had a girl live with us who my family loved on constantly, even when she was nasty to us and more. "You've seen it your whole life, what makes you think you would act any differently now that you're older?" Makes sense I guess.

She also told me that God had just given me a heart for people. And that makes me love them.

She also said that being a Christian meant living the way I live, and that many people live exactly like that, without realizing it it. 

So we came to my last conclusion together.

Jesus lived a perfect life. He loved those who hated him. He prayed for those who spit on Him. He died to save those who would reject him. He died to save me. He is the ultimate example, and we should follow his lead, and love those who are sometimes hard to love. 

So stick it out. Hang onto struggling relationships. Why? Because they could very well turn out to be some of the best relationships you have. And those relationships are so worth all the hurt. Believe me.