Some Wounds Run to Deep

****For those of you who don't know, Lauryn was a girl my family took in when I was 12. She lived with us for two years before moving out. It ended very ugly. 

Last week when I went to get my blood drawn, I walked into the office only to find out that Lauryn was in the next room. I heard her voice first and in an instant I was taken back to the nights spent laughing in her bedroom in the basement, nights spent flipping off beds in hotel rooms, days spent shopping, nights closing the store...For years I have wondered what it would be like to see Lauryn again. I've wondered if she would recognize me now. I've wondered if I would recognize her. Turns out it wasn't hard to do- her red hair, raspy voice, her laugh, her 30 tattoos. And she recognized me in an instant too. I could see that there were similar emotions running through her head as she looked me up and down. She later sent me a message on facebook asking me how I was doing and she told me she was proud of me.

My family and I don't talk about Lauryn. It was a painful experience for us all when she left- and bringing her up in conversation never really happens, because bringing her up is rarely worth the stab of pain we will all inevitably feel. 

Seeing her? A foot away from me?

It was harder then I could have imagined. Part of me wanted to run to her and hug her and tell her I love her. The other part of me wanted to scream at her and tell her how awful it was when she moved out. How packing up her things the morning after broke my heart and left Max and I huddled in a corner together sobbing. How we trusted her. She was our sister- or she might as well have been. She was here; a part of our family every single day for so long- when she left it was hard to remember how we functioned as five instead of six. Another part of me wanted to cry. Cry for my 'sister'. Because the dead look in her eyes and the scars on her hands showed me that she had fallen back into the habits my family had tried to hard to pull her out of by pointing her to the Savior who loved her exactly the way she was and by showing her she was loved by Him, and by us. 

And seeing her left me feeling broken. Because I could tell she was. 

I'm still having nightmares. 

Then this past weekend, I went to see Les Mis at Merrillville High School. I used to do theatre productions there for years and years. My old best friend, Ella, had one of the lead roles. Ella and I were best friends for years. She even lived with us during the summers because it was easier for theatre rehearsals. She only went home for 1 day a week.  In the last year, things went terribly wrong. So wrong that there are things that happened between us that no one knows about. I've shared with my dearest friends some of the things that happened between us. But not all of them. And I had braced myself- I knew seeing her was going to be hard. It's never easy. I wasn't prepared enough though. Seeing Ella killed me. It was harder then I thought it was going to be. I cried when she first came on stage- for reasons I can't explain. I cried when she sang her solo because we worked so hard on that song together a few years ago. I cried as I fell asleep that night because I remember how much fun we had together before I wasn't good enough anymore. 

And I'm crying now. Because I've realized in the past two weeks that some wounds are never truly going to heal. I will probably never be able to see or talk about Lauryn without there being pain there. I will probably never be able to see Ella without my heart aching for the friendship we once had. Both of these girls are girls I considered to be my sisters. Both of these girls are girls I miss terribly. Both of these girls are girls I pray for regularly.

I've given these wounds to God. And He has certainly brought healing in both areas. I don't blame myself for Lauryn's drug addictions anymore. I don't blame myself for her leaving us the way she did anymore. I don't hate myself now every time I see Ella and I can even sing again.  

But I wonder, if it true when they say that some wounds just run too deep for there to be complete healing. Because all these years later, I still feel like I'm being stabbed with a knife when I see, think, or hear about them. Or maybe that pain is there because I still love them, despite how hurt I was by them.  Or maybe that pain is a reminder that people in this world will fail us, but God is always good and He will never fail.

And I know, because I've seen, God will bring beauty from the ashes and from the pain. And I know that He has used both of these painful circumstances to draw me closer to Him. And I trust Him. Completely. 

But that doesn't make it easy.

In this life, God may bring us to situations, or relationships, in which we are never guaranteed a soft landing. He may ask us to go through something hard. But I am trusting in the fact that I know He has a great plan and He knows everything about my future. And I know He will continue to meet me in the midst of my pain and that He will continue to use it to reveal Himself to me in it. And that knowledge has kept me going these past few days. I know He has not abandoned me. 

And He never will.

Pretty pink ponies and fluffy hippo clouds (meaning I have no idea what to title this post)

I'm a bad, bad blogger.

I know, it's been a long time and some of you have been bugging me for updates for a while. So  I think right now I'm going to update you all on just some of the more important things going on.

Aiding Placement:
This semester I am placed in a 7th grade science classroom. My teacher is fabulous and classy and the kids are great- but I am just not called to be a middle school teacher. Honestly, I do not want to much to do with teaching them- I've found during this placement that I very much prefer to spend one-on-one time with the students getting to know them. Yes, we do their homework and I teach them what they need to know, or help them understand what they are not quite getting, but I find that I'm much more drawn to their emotional needs than their academic needs. I find I gravitate towards the girl that comes in with bruises on her arm, or the boy that does nothing but sit in the corner and stare at his shoes. I find myself wanting to talk with the girl that is about 10x thinner then the others who looks like she has not slept in a few weeks. And I have had some great conversations with some of these kids- which may or may not be allowed, I don't really know. I do know I've set my mind to prove to them that they can trust me, and it has paid off in three or four great conversations during free time. And while I may not be able to tell them I am praying for them, I certainly can do it without making it known to them. It is certainly different than my placement last semester. Last semester I was with my 29 precious little first graders who I dearly loved and loved to teach. I left that placement floating on a cloud every day, even on those days that were hard and challenging. I couldn't wait to be a teacher. In this placement I find that I still leave feeling satisfied  but not in the "I can't wait to be a teacher!" way...It's different, I don't really know how to explain it.  

Roseland Christian Ministries:
Since I am aiding with the older kids this semester, I have needed to find a way to be around children since I do not babysit as much this semester as I did last. Don't get me wrong, baby Chase is FANTASTIC.

I mean really, who could resist that face?

Every time I get to babysit him or hold him it makes my day brighter and makes my heart sing. But it's not the same as talking with children and playing with them. I was really wanting to find a way to serve God and children at once last semester and I think my aiding placement did that. But since I am with the 7th graders (who I still love dearly) I have still felt like I am being called to serve children somewhere else.

During interim I started feeling this incredible push by God to get involved in this after school program called Roseland Christian Ministries. There is a group of about 3 or 4 Trinity students that goes consistently on Monday nights and Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday afternoons. I have started going on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and oh my hippo, I cannot explain the impact these kids have had on me. It is a pretty decent sized time commitment, it's about 6 and a half hours a week- which is about the same amount of hours as I spend in my aiding classroom per week, but it is so worth it. These kids are incredible. They are all African-American and there is about 25-30 kids in the program. I work with the younger group- so first grade through sixth grade. The oldest student in the program though is 16 and in high school.  At first the kids were hesitant, they did not want to much to do with me because I was new. It took some effort and serious time, but the kids now love me. I am attacked with hugs when I walk in and more then half of them now call me by name. Developing relationships with them has been such a cool experience and it has been so neat to watch how they have grown to accept me and treat me as one of them. I love them and I am so glad that I have found a place where I can serve God and children all at once. 

Other news:

Last week was easily one of the hardest weeks I have had at Trinity in the year and a half I have been coming to this school. It started out with something that happened on a Thursday evening (which if you want to know about feel free to ask me in person) that left me feeling terrified and alone. I really don't think I would have made it through those next two days without some of the amazing people I had rally around me to support me. Lette was incredible through it all. She caught me sobbing in our floor prayer lounge Friday night at like 3am and stayed with me for an hour, even though I wouldn't tell her at that point what was going on. It took me till Monday night to be able to tell her what had happened. My parents were also amazing through it- they really supported me as much as they could from home and I am so thankful for it. Woody was also fantastic- he knows what to say and how to make me feel better that's for sure. Kaity and Alyssa also both were great friends to me as I worked through all that had to be done and I am so thankful for them. But by Wednesday I was already plain worn out from the emotional few days it had been and I had a huge test that evening and was already discouraged and down. Then on Wednesday afternoon perhaps the saddest, most heartbreaking part of being at Trinity yet came down on top of all that I had already been dealing with- my roommates told me that  they did not want to room with me next year. As soon as they said it I was a sobbing mess. They couldn't have picked a worse day to tell me, and I was completely totally shocked. I had NO idea it was coming. I should have seen it, but I didn't. My heart literally felt as if it had been broke into a thousand tiny pieces and my soul just felt crushed. I still don't understand why, but what I do understand is that next semester I don't have roommates. I have no where to go, and the people I have asked to room with have all said they can't take me because they already have housing plans. I am absolutely terrified for next year and I am still hurting and recovering. It's taken me a week to be able to be around my roommates without just bursting into tears. I really don't know what the next year holds for me, but it hurts to not be wanted. But I think God has already been using this in my life, so for now I guess I just have to trust in him and in his plan for me, even if it's really really hard.

The exciting news of my life is that spring break is in 3 days and I'll have ten days at home to relax and be refreshed before tackling the rest of this semester.

Well, that's it for now. Love to all. 

Lessons from The Blind Side

    

Have you ever heard of the Popcorn Theory? I hadn’t either until I read a book written by real life Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy, who you’ve probably heard of  from the Blind Side. 

“The Popcorn Theory goes something like this: You can’t help everyone, but you can help those, or at least try to help those, who pop up right in front of your face…The popcorn theory is about noticing others. Its about acknowledging a person’s potential and value. It’s about seeing him, instead of looking past him.”

The Tuohy family used the popcorn theory when helping Michael out. He literally popped up right in front of their face on the side of the road one night. They took him in, loved him, nurtured him, cared for him, and helped him grow into the amazing man he turned out to be. Not for any specific reason, other than they knew they could help this kid who had “popped” right out in front of them. They didn’t  help him because they thought he would make a great athlete, or because they thought he would make them famous, they helped him because they were kind, and took the time to notice a need and fill it.

When Michael was selecting a school to go to, of course the Touhy family encouraged him to go to Ole Miss, where they all had gone. But when Michael did choose Ole Miss, he faced a whole new set of questions.

People began asking why the Touhy family would take in a 300 something pound black kid and take the time to invest in him. They began suggesting that the Touhy family took in Michael just to send him to Ole Miss to make the football team great. An idea that had never once popped into Michael’s head, or the Touhy’s head for that matter.

Sometimes when you are kind, people will think you have ulterior motives when that is just not the case. Like with the Touhy family.   Sometimes when you are  kind people will think you are trying to manipulate them.

The Touhy family was shocked at those accusations, and said they would have done it over again if Michael hadn’t known how to play football.  They had grown to love Michael, and they would have done anything for him. The people still accused, but they let the accusations slide right off and continued to be kind to not only Michael, but hundreds of other kids.

Leigh Anne started charities.

Collins taught cheerleading at an all black high school.

Sean put more kids on lunch programs then he could count.

They didn’t do any of this because they were trying to get attention, but because they believed in giving back, and firmly lived by the verse that says “To whom much is given much is required.”                                                                                            

Our world could use more families like the Touhy’s.

Lesson from all this? Be kind to people, even though they may take your kindness and turn it into something it was never meant to be. Don’t get discouraged when people accuse you of have ulterior motives, even when that’s just not the case. Be like the Touhy family.

And if you want a really goooood book to read, read this:

http://www.amazon.com/In-Heartbeat-Sharing-Cheerful-Giving/dp/B004KAB32A/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1340761988&sr=8-2&keywords=in+a+heartbeat

When loving hurts

It was 3:30pm. I sipped my coffee, watching the  doors intently. I eventually saw her walking in, that is my old best friend, and I was hit with what felt like 100 different emotions at once. She ordered her coffee before sitting down at my table. “It’s been a while” she said, and I was grateful she was the one to start the conversation.  I gave her a big smile and we started talking, mostly small talk, avoiding what we had met to talk about in a way I think only we were capable of doing.  To the observer we probably looked like best friends who hadn’t seen eachother in a while. We knew better, we were more like “friendly” enemies then friends. The last time we had talked (aside from arranging this meeting) I had told her happy birthday and she had called me a bitch. Ouch. Eventually we moved onto the more serious issues that we had met to discuss, including why our friendship ended the way it did and why she thought it was okay to treat me as horribly as she did the last 8 months of our friendship (boy that was interesting). And how it would work if we ever did a summer musical again together. But it went surprisingly well and we worked through it in a way that I think made us both feel a bit better. It ended on a good note, we hugged goodbye (woah) and we were getting into our cars (somehow they were parked next to eachother, despite arriving at different times) but she called to me before I closed my door. “Em, I have one last question.” I waited for her to continue.   "Why did you treat me so nicely when I treated you so horribly?” I looked at her and thought for a moment and my response went something like this. “I don’t know really. Because I loved you I guess. Though don’t get me wrong, sometimes it took all I had to be nice. But I loved you. What else was I supposed to do? And partly because I had no idea how to stand up for myself, or to you.”  She looked at me. “I knew you were going to say something like that.” “Well. You were my best friend for 3 years. What do you expect?“  She smiled and got in her car. (It was nice to know that although we’ll probably never be friends again,  and we probably won’t talk ever,  at least we aren’t enemies any more). I got in mine. But as I was driving it got me thinking about our past friendship, my friendships now, my life in general.  And her question ended up being one of those questions that pushed me into a revolving door that I couldn’t escape.

“Why did I let her treat me that way?” “Why didn’t I stand up for myself?” “Was it because I was too weak?” “Did I bring all that hurt on myself?” I started asking these questions and more over and over again.  

After quite a while I came to several conclusions.

1) Sometimes it takes a whole lot of strength to be kind to someone who isn't kind to you. But it is often necessary, and is always the right thing to do. 

I found this picture earlier today. And it is so true. Even in relationships I have today. Sometimes I get exhausted trying to keep the relationship going, or keep having hope for things to get better and work out. Sometimes it takes all of me to be kind and sweet when I feel like I'm constantly being pushed away. It is often a lot harder for me to be kind then it would be for me to just snap and throw up my hands and give up. But thats just it, I don't ever give up. This lead me to my second conclusion.

2) I won't give up on relationships (I wrote a blog on this a while back) even if being in those relationships ends up just hurting me (often this is not the case, but there are those occasional friendships or whatever that I just end up being hurt by). Even when I'm so hurt I just bounce back from it and have another go at it. I'll give you and example. I have a friend that has hurt me quite a bit, but every time I think about giving up, I send a message or do something for that person, to remind myself to keep going. Sometimes all it takes is saying something nice. This is because whenever my back is against a wall, afraid to keep going or afraid of being hurt, there is this person who appears in me. She has a tendency to show up whenever I'm hurt and I'm tempted to stop trying. She's part determination, part love, and part too stupid to know any better. She has a tendency to go, "oh, you think you've given it your all and that you can't do anymore? well, watch this!" And off she and I go, diving in head first, putting our all back into whatever it is I was tempted to run from. And for the most part, I love it and its a good thing. It helps me keep going. But sometimes I just want to kick her and tell her to go away. Which leads me to my 3rd conclusion.

3) Living this way isn't easy. When you put yourself into relationships like this, where you open yourself up to someone, in an effort to show them, "Look, I trust and love you, I'm being open with you, and kind to you, because I want to be friends with you and you should be open with and kind to me too", sometimes you face the terror of falling down and having no one to catch you. But if some of us don't live like this, how would things ever change? We should do what is right and be kind, even if it's difficult. (I've been watching Little House, talk about reliving your childhood, and there's an episode where Laura and Mary have to deal with snippy Nellie Olsen, and whenever Laura complains to Ma, Ma just replies, "do unto others". great reminder)

Which got me to thinking that if I want something to change that just isn't changing, I have to step up and be the one to change it. I never really liked the quote "be the change you want to see in the world" but I'm realizing more and more how true it is, however cheesy it may be. But then I got to thinking why I am the way I am. What about me makes me keep loving people who hurt me or want nothing to do with me?

Enter good old Grandma J. I've gotten to spend sometime with her this week, and we've had some really great talks about life, God, people, whatever. So when I was with her yesterday, I just asked her. "Grandma, why do you think we keep loving people when they hurt us?" She looked at me and asked me to explain a little. So I did. And we ended up having an hour conversation about it. And one of the things she said went something like this, "well, probably because that's what you've been taught. From your parents, from your grandparents, from your church family. Loving others was instilled in you when you were a child and is something that you've seen lived out right in front of you. Loving others is what Jesus has taught you." She went on to give examples, such as when we had a girl live with us who my family loved on constantly, even when she was nasty to us and more. "You've seen it your whole life, what makes you think you would act any differently now that you're older?" Makes sense I guess.

She also told me that God had just given me a heart for people. And that makes me love them.

She also said that being a Christian meant living the way I live, and that many people live exactly like that, without realizing it it. 

So we came to my last conclusion together.

Jesus lived a perfect life. He loved those who hated him. He prayed for those who spit on Him. He died to save those who would reject him. He died to save me. He is the ultimate example, and we should follow his lead, and love those who are sometimes hard to love. 

So stick it out. Hang onto struggling relationships. Why? Because they could very well turn out to be some of the best relationships you have. And those relationships are so worth all the hurt. Believe me.