Pushing Through

Friends, I want to ask you all for a prayer request.

I am really struggling right now with the fact that I have to be at Trinity. Don't get me wrong- I love being there.. I love my girls. I love that I got to be a RA this summer. But I'm ready to be done. I'm ready to just be able to be home. And knowing that that opportunity won't come between now and the start of the school year is becoming increasingly hard for me.

This weekend I got to spend some time at home. With my whole family (EmK included). And it was amazing. It was amazing just to be surrounded by people who didn't want anything from me other then just for me to be there with them. And I miss that. I feel as though right now everyone that surrounds me at Trinity is constantly looking for me to to do something for them. They don't want to spend time just being together, they are always looking for me for a specific reason....Whether that's to babysit their kids, or to put in a work order, or to plan fun events, or to drive them to the store....I rarely feel right now as though I'm appreciated just for being. At home, that goes away. I can just lay on the couch with my family and be loved. I can sit at the table and play the same card game 20 times and not be considered boring. 

I only have 3 more weeks left as a RA at Trinity. I want to put everything I have into these last 3 weeks and I don't want to fall off now. I want to have that same love and passion for this role as I did in May. I do love my girls.. But right now, I'm just tired. 

So maybe you could all pray that the Lord gives me that love and passion again for this role again. Or that these next 3 weeks go by quickly. Or that my attitude changes.

I'll leave you with this picture. These two are the ones that remind me on a daily basis that I'm making a difference and that I am loved exactly for who I am. That's the precious thing about the way children love- it's so unconditional. It's so special. And I soak it up. I feel the most together when I'm with them, even if they are on occasion, exhausting.

Peace

Earlier this week I was really struggling with the fact that I wasn't working at Elim. I was talking about some of the students there with one of my friends, and while we were talking my heart was aching. I wanted to be there. I still want to be there.

And I also got a little angry. I kept asking why. And it just so happened I was a little angry on a morning where I had to get up and watch Chase at 8am. 

And then it hit me. This is why.

There are three reasons why I'm not working at Eilm this summer.

1) It's simply not what God had because He had

2) Chase and

3) Henessey in his plan for me this summer.

And I realized last night that while it is so hard to not be working with the students I love, I also wouldn't have it any other way. Last night as I was sitting outside at the picnic table, in the cold, and as I pulled Chase close and as he threw his arms around my neck, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace that only comes in those times when the beauty of the moment is so incredibly overwhelming and when God's presence is so close that you can't help but feel at peace.

God didn't have me working at Elim this summer. But that doesn't mean that God isn't using me. I wanted Him to use me in the lives of children with special needs and I wanted Him to use me to make a difference in the life of a child. And He is still doing that- just not in the way I was expecting.

Chase is a huge part of my life. There's no denying that. Besides his own parents, I'm not sure there is any human being on the planet who could love that little boy any more then I do. And by loving him and caring for him, I am making a difference in his life.

Henessey is a beautiful little girl who desperately needed someone to come and love her. She needed some stability. She needed someone who could love her and play with her and give her the attention she desires. By being someone Henessey can trust and count on, I am making a difference in her life.

Maybe I'm not where I thought I was going to be this summer. Maybe I'm not doing what I wanted to do.

But I am where God wants me. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Finding Happiness

This week, I've purposefully gone looking for happiness. 

I've found happiness in walks with dear friends....

In beautiful Michigan sunsets...

In hammocks that now hang on our porch and offer the perfect opportunity to read in the sun....or take a nap.

I've found happiness in card games with this kid....

and in taking him college shopping.

I've found happiness by watching other peoples' joy....especially his joy. Because it's so unbelievably contagious. 

I've found happiness in playing games with old friends...

and in the beauty of a friend who is more like family. 

I've found happiness in a brother who never fails to make me laugh-- who never fails to challenge me-- and who never fails to love me despite the fact that I can be a real piece of work (on occasion). 

Happiness is everywhere. 

What's been making you happy this week? Go looking for happiness. In looking, you often find you are far more blessed then you realize. 

Home

This week (for the most part) I have off of work...I get to spend several days away from campus, at home, with my family and other people who are near and dear to my heart. But I have come to realize the past few days that home will never completely have my heart again. There was a time in my life, where home meant the little yellow house in Hobart where I grew up. It meant being with my immediate family, my dogs, and my best friend.

Now? Now home looks a lot different. And I've come to realize that home is a lot of things. 

Home is the place where you are loved, no matter what.

Home is the place that you arrive and feel like you can plop down on the couch and just be for a while.

Home is the place where the people you love are...

Home is where you are challenged to grow- in whatever ways you need.

Home is where there is coffee...

And home is where there is always someone to hold your hand.

How blessed I am to have a home wherever it is I happen to be.

Try Again

To be continued...But you should watch this video. Or listen to it. Henessey has requested it on repeat the past few days...it's pretty good. 

On Being A RA #2: Sometimes....

Sometimes, it's okay to have events where only 2 girls show up. You shouldn't let it get you down.

Sometimes, you have to be the bad guy.

Sometimes, girls will get mad at you. 

Some days aren't as easy as others.

Some days the hall will be empty.

Sometimes, being the summer RA of Tibstra Hall will result in loneliness. 

That's okay.

Because sometimes, you have breakthroughs. Sometimes, girls open up to you. Sometimes, something beautiful happens.

And it's all worth it.

There are shadows here, feeding on your fears

That you don’t have what it takes

Who are you to make a change

But oh, oh, don’t underestimate the God you follow
Whatever you do, just don’t look back
Somebody needs the light you have
Whatever you do, just don’t lose heart
Keep on pushing back the dark
Keep on pushing back the dark

On Being a RA

A lot of people have been asking me about how being a RA is going. Some questions I've been asked frequently:

How are your girls?
How many girls do you have?
What kinds of events are you planning?
Do you like it?

My girls are wonderful. Currently I have 15 girls, which is small, but a good number for me. I get along with all of them, but there are definitely girls I see more than others. Some girls I hardly see at all either because they like to hide or because they really have no interest in developing relationships with me or the other girls on the floor. I try to give those girls their space while also encouraging them to talk with me for a few minutes. Bribing them with the kid or cookies/food works well #LifeLessonsfromLette#13

I've definitely developed solid and healthy relationships with most of the other girls on my floor, and I love it. In the past 3 weeks I have seen girls go from complete strangers to friends, and it is a crazy beautiful thing. Girls who at first wouldn't talk to each other are now hanging out regularly. Girls who were arguing and just not getting along are starting to find their way and the path is smooth on this side. I've seen girls work together to try and figure out the riddle I have posted on the wall in the hallway and I've seen girls race each other in the crosswords on the opposite wall. Last night, I saw girls praying together in the lounge. The Lord is working here, that much is clear. He is building friendships and breaking down walls. I've seen it already and I hope to see more of it in the upcoming months.

As far as events go, I've had two movie/hang out nights and a floor breakfast. All of which have had a great turn out. These girls love to participate and love to be involved, which makes my job easy. Those were our official floor events, though we have often sat around in my room talking or girls have just come by to sit at the table and drink tea and chat the night away. There are girls on this hall who just love to talk. I love it. 

Have tea and coffee at the ready at any time in the day. #LifeLessonsfromLette#2

In a quick summary, I love this job. There are things that are frustrating about it, but the good things far outweigh all the frustrating ones. I am excited to see what the Lord does in the upcoming weeks as we continue to grow as a floor and as friends. 

Chase

What a difference a year can make.

This week has proved to be a challenging one. It has been filled with many hard things, but also many good things. As it turns out, the best things often come in very small packages.

Chase has continued, as always, to be a huge blessing to me. His joy for life, his excitement, his curiosity about the world, and his laugh have brought more encouragement to my heart then I can explain to you in words. Chase has been the one this week to bring me the most comfort. When I felt like I was breaking down, his hugs and little "I love you"s made me feel strong enough to get back up and carry the world on my shoulders. 

The past two years have left me with a lot of healing to do this summer. Healing, I now recognize, is necessary before I can really truly be healthy again. Last week someone asked me if it was going to be possible for me to heal here this summer. I said no. If she would ask me that again, I would say yes. Healing is going to happen. I just need to allow it to come in. In the past few months I've started slipping back into a world that I had worked hard to come out of. And I was okay with it. Until this week.

Do you know what it feels like to hear a little one you love so deeply say "I love you" for the first time?

 I sometimes feel like a part-time mom. I am with Chase so often that I feel as if I know him almost as well as Kara and Eric do. They jokingly call me his third parent and I hated that for a long time, but now I'm okay with it. Because there is so much love in my heart for that little boy that he is giving me a reason to fight to come out of that world I started slipping into. He gives me strength. I imagine that would be kind of what a parent would feel like.

I'm not sure why God has me here this summer. I'm still waiting for him to show me how this summer fits in with the rest of the pieces of my life. But I do know this. There is a little boy here who needs me. And if that's the only reason the Lord has me here this summer, then it's totally going to be worth it. And that little boy is helping me heal. One step at a time, I am healing.

There is no easy way to heal; not one cure that will take all the pain away forever. No making it all go away all at once. It's a process. A process in which the Lord takes the scar tissue wrapped so tightly around your heart and begins to break it apart. It hurts. It's painful. But the end result is good. And it takes time. It takes many small steps upward; but it comes. And with it, joy.

Elim

Today, I found out that I didn't get the job at Elim that I have been praying for steadily for the past seven months. My heart is crushed. I don't understand what the Lord is doing right now. And I know that He has an awesome plan and that whatever he wants accomplished this summer will be accomplished. I know that I need to trust Him.

But for today, I am heartbroken. 

I have wanted this job more than anything for months now. And being rejected is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in a while. And tonight, I'm struggling. Tonight, I just wanted someone to come hug me and tell me that the Lord has a plan. Tonight I needed someone to tell ME that it's going to be okay. 

How is it that I am surrounded by 15 beautiful girls all the time and yet feel so very alone?

I don't expect these girls to comfort me. It's not their job. It's my job to love them. And I'm happy that it's that way. 

But I did expect encouragement from others here. People who I respect. People who I love. People who I rush to help as soon as they ask. People who I readily encourage. And when I sought comfort or encouragement from them, I was rejected again. And left feeling more alone then ever. 

All this has led to me being really confused as to what in the world the Lord is doing in my life. What is he teaching me? What is he trying to show me? Is he trying to teach me to depend more on him? To be more self-sufficient? To trust that whatever he has is good? I'm not sure. But tonight, I've been questioning. A lot. 

Why am I here? 

I don't mean to complain. I don't mean to make things seem worse then they are. Please don't take this post as my complaining. This post is my heart tonight. Thanks for listening to it. 

RA Life

Monday morning, I checked in students for 3 hours. Monday afternoon, I checked in students for 2 hours. I jumped around, took keys, gave out new keys, talked with parents, navigated testy waves between 2 roommates, moved a couch, and delivered cookies. 

Tuesday, I spent the day hanging up hall decorations, making door decs now that rooms have officially been decided, and spent time wandering around visiting residents.

You would not believe how long it took me to make 16 of these.

Today, I had quality roommate bonding time and my first official floor event. 

Frozen!

They were VERY excited about the movie. 3 of the girls had not seen it before!

Tonight as I ran down the hall yelling "Come watch Frozen and eat brownies", I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I was obnoxious and outgoing. This job gives me the excuse to do that without making a fool of myself.

I loved every minute of it.

Maybe I'll get used to this whole RA thing after all.