(In other words, the end of my first semester of senior year). This post is nothing special. I'm too tired to actually write anything interesting, which means this post will probably actually be all over the place in an unorganized mess of thoughts. But here's what's on my mind about the end of the semester, if you want to keep on reading.
I'm not sure that I have fully processed the fact that last week I finished my last set of college finals.
I'm not sure that it's really hit me yet that next semester, I won't be in the classroom with the group of people that have become my family.
I'm not sure that I've processed the fact that next semester, I'll be in a classroom from 8am-4pm every day- working and teaching like I will be hopefully for the rest of my life.
The end of this semester was nothing like I pictured it to be. It was rushed due to training at Elim (I'll have a post on that by the end of the day), and it seemed like everyone was gone on break before I could even snap my fingers.
Really- the end of the semester was just that- the end. It's over. Just like every other semester. It doesn't feel any different. Yet. I'm waiting for that to hit me.
There was only one point of the end of this semester that really got me. It was realizing that next semester I won't be learning under Professor Harkema. That realization hit me in the middle of November and as soon as it hit I realized that we (the seniors) had about 3 weeks to figure out how we could express our thanks to her for all she has taught us.
After a crazy 3 weeks, we ended up with this. I worked on it for hours and am SO happy with how it turned out.
We ended up showing the video to her in our last class period together. While a lot of people had already seen the video, it was Professor Harkema's first time seeing it. After we showed it, she thanked us with words that I will never forget. She told us all that we were ready to go out and further God's kingdom, that we were going to make a difference, and that she was proud of us. That was the only time I cried about the semester ending.
But now that it has ended, I'm trying to process it. I think being at Elim every day from 8am-4pm for the past week has kept me from really processing much of anything, which may be a blessing in disguise.
While I may not know what next semester holds, there is one thing I do know. I am incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to learn under amazing professors here the past few years (especially Professor Harkema). I firmly believe that they have prepared me for next semester, though it may look different from anything I've seen yet. And so while the idea of student teaching is terrifying, it is also so exciting. I know I'm ready. And I know I'm going to learn so much. And I can't wait.
My dear friends... It has been such a long time since I have posted anything on this blog. I have had many blogs in my mind that I have had a desire to write, however, the timing just has not worked out. Now I am finally having time to write. I'm sitting in my basement, curled up on the futon, my dog next to me and both of my brothers across from me. We are all writing...all drinking coffee. It is a beautiful thing. Anyways... This post has been a long time coming.
Some of you may remember that back in early September I wrote a post about student-teaching. I was so beyond excited to share with you that I am going to be completing the last seven weeks of my student teaching at Elim Christian School, which is where I one day hope to work as a special education teacher (you can view that post here). At the time, I did not think that the situation could get any better. As it turns out, I was wrong. Because about a month ago I found out that not only am I going to be completing my student teaching at Elim, but that I am not going to be completing student teaching there alone.
My dear friend Kari is going to be completing her student teaching right there with me. Yeah, you bet there were a few tears the day I found that out. In this past year Kari has become one of my dearest friends. Since we became friends last January her friendship and presence in my life has continued to encourage and bless me. She is easily one of the most genuine, selfless, and caring friends I have ever had and through many a late night conversations, coffee dates, trips to Lake Katherine, and other heart-to-hearts, she has become one of the people in my life that I trust completely. Last January, we had the opportunity to be partners for science club. We spent one day a week teaching together at an after-school program at a Christian school near Trinity. It was through this experience that Kari and I first really started to become friends.
Then over the summer, Kari came and spent almost every Tuesday night at Trinity. She had college small group on Tuesday nights and then work at Elim the next morning, so it just made sense for her to sleep over. These nights often held truth filled heart-to-hearts about God and just about life in general. Those conversations were often welcomed and needed each week and I was challenged to grow more in my own faith because of them.
This semester our friendship has continued to grow. Our love for Elim and the students there is just one of the reasons why.
Our friendship has definitely been a blessing in my life this year and I hope and pray that in the upcoming months that the Lord continues to work through this friendship and be glorified through it. There is no one I would rather be completing student teaching at Elim with and I cannot wait to see what this next adventure holds for us. It seems only fitting that we ended last year teaching together and now we are ending our senior year the same way. How blessed am I.
It's been almost a month since I have updated this little blog of mine...Yikes. I figured it was about time that I give you all an update.
Trinity- Classes, Roommates, and More
This year has by far been my favorite year at Trinity yet. I am the most settled, most comfortable, most sure of myself, and by far the most happy. I am crazy busy- running between novice, classes, babysitting Chase, Roseland, and keeping up with those I love. Sometimes I feel as though I'm drowning and fighting for air. But I realized that sometimes fighting for air isn't a bad thing- it means that life is worth living. Even in the crazy busy days, I am finding joy and happiness that I haven't ever found before.
For the most part, classes are going well. Novice is a crazy class that in the past 3 weeks has kept me up past 3am four times, 2am six times, and 1am every other night. We have had some massive projects for that class including a unit plan (mine ended up being a 69 page document) and a website. Which, if you are interested, you can view here. I am rather proud of how it turned out.
My favorite class is by far my class with Professor Harkema. It is a class all about special education law and so we are learning about things like IEPs and 504s, transition plans, goal writing, the PLAAFP, assessments, accommodations and modifications, and so much more. While the class is challenging and keeps us on our toes, I think we are learning more in that class than in all of our other classes combined. I mean, yes, it's great that we know how to build a classroom website and it's fabulous that we can use the Understanding by Design method to create a unit plan, but in reality, in the special education classroom, knowing how to write a solid IEP, write and implement goals, and use accommodations and modifications to help students succeed in the classroom is far more valuable, especially because I have every intention of working with students with special needs. Also, Professor Harkema is just wonderful. A lot of the SPED majors this semester have found great comfort in her and in her class- we actually had a conversation about how when we are stressed and anxious about all we have to do, going to her class actually helps us feel as though we are completely capable of completing all we have. It's pretty incredible how much a teacher can impact you. I hope one day when I teach, I am able to influence my students as much as she has influenced me.
My roommates are wonderful- for the most part we all get along well and we all have a good time. I love living with my dear Melissa again and this year we have continued to grow closer. I am so thankful that the Lord has provided me with such a faithful and true friend to live senior year with. And I am thankful for the group of girls he has placed me with this year.
I am also super thankful for the friend I have found in Kari. Honestly, this girl has been such a blessing this whole year (starting in January when we first really became friends). It has been such a joy to get to know her and to allow her to get to know me. I'm not sure why the Lord didn't have us become friends earlier in our lives at Trinity, but I am convinced He put us in each other's lives this year because we needed each other. I am so thankful for the friend I have in Kari and am excited to see how the Lord continues to work in our friendship.
Novice
I absolutely adore my novice placement this year. I am in second grade at an elementary school in Orland Park, and I absolutely love it. Besides my placement at Elim, this is by far my favorite placement yet. I love the age. I love the students. I love what I am teaching. I love my cooperating teacher. I love the school and the wonderful people who work there. Really, it has just been a fabulous experience. I get to teach every day that I'm there, which is a huge blessing. I love that I am getting the experiences I need for student teaching already so early on in the school year. I'll be with these students all the way up until the end of March, and I'm not sure how I'm going to leave them. It breaks my heart to think about, because I'm already so attached.
I've also become a pro at making anchor charts. I can whip one out in about 10 minutes. Bang, boom, done.
Chase Nolan Van Marion
Oh man, has this kid become a little firecracker. He is so full of energy all the time and is getting to the point where his personality is really coming out. He is super funny and has a sense of humor, and is already to the point where he will give sass right back to you. He has mastered the hands-on-the-hips and frown face, but quickly falls on the floor in laughter because he knows he is being silly. He LOVES to sing. His favorites are Jesus Loves Me, Head-Shoulder-Knees-and-Toes, the Itsy Bitsy Spider, the ABCs, the Ants Go Marching, and my personal favorite, Let it Go. He asks for it constantly and is so cute when he sings it. He loves riding his bike and is becoming a pro. He can run faster than me. He can climb trees and rock walls without help. He opens and holds the door for the ladies. He can count to twenty-one and also count out up to ten objects (meaning, if I ask him to give me 10 blocks, he will count out and give me twelve blocks). He gives the best hugs, kisses, and cuddles, and still helps make my world go round.
Family
I cannot tell you how much I LOVE having both my siblings at Trinity. It honestly can't get much better. I love that I can hang out with them practically whenever I want and that I see them at least once every day. What a blessing it is to be surrounded by my best friends and my very own future sister.
Bottom line, friends? For the first time in forever, I can say that I am completely, utterly, and incredibly happy. Yes, senior year is stressful. Yes, I get horribly sad and overwhelmed when I think about this year and chapter of my life ending. However, right now, at this very moment, I am happy, healthy, and thriving. I couldn't ask for anything more. Praise Jesus for how far I've come and for how far I have to go. I can't wait to see what is in store for me in the upcoming weeks and months.
Also, here is a song for you to listen to. It's my favorite right now.
Friends, I am about to share some of the most exciting news with you that I might have ever posted on this blog. And because there's no way to lead up to it without ruining it, I'm just going to tell you right now what it is. I am going to be student teaching at Elim Christian School! Let me say that again. I am going to be student teaching at Elim Christian School! And again. I am going to be student teaching at Elim Christian School!
Okay. I think you understand now.
I got the email this past Thursday at 3:44pm from the education office, saying that my application for student teaching had been sent to Elim two weeks ago and that they received word that Elim would love to have me come and student teach there in the spring. Moyra (the lady who works in the education office) also explained in the email that the people at Elim remember who I am and are excited to have me back once again.
Let's just say that I spent more time crying Thursday between 4pm and 5pm then I did not crying. Really though. It was kind of pathetic how unbelievably overwhelmed and excited I was all at once. This leads me to the story that I would have prefaced this post to, however, you all would have known the ending. Good stories have bad middles. Last fall I was placed at Elim in a cross-categorical classroom with an amazing cooperating teacher, eight paraprofessionals, and nine wonderful and beautiful students. I was there for just a week before I realized that I wanted to be a part of that place. I loved my placement there and I flourished in those three months. I was honestly filled with a joy that I couldn't explain to you- I belonged. I had a home. Elim felt like home to me. When I left that classroom, I was heartbroken. I would have dropped out of college and stayed there, if I could have. I was so attached to everyone in that room that I was sick for days leading up to my last day. When you're sick from sadness because you have to leave, you know you're in the right place. Then I went back to Elim the following semester for tutoring. I got to work one-on-one with a beautiful little girl with Down syndrome, and my heart was once again filled. It wasn't the same as being in the classroom, but I still loved it. I loved it even more when I would see my cooperating teacher from the previous semester in the hallways, or the paras that I worked alongside, or the students. Then this summer I applied to work at Elim. And after several conversations and months of waiting, I found out I didn't get the position because I wasn't an IL resident. I was crushed. For weeks I was crushed. I was so sure that's where God was calling me and to not get the job there broke my heart. My heart longed to be there, working with the students and the people there. I struggled with it for the majority of the summer and wondered why God had said no when I felt so sure before that He had been saying yes. Every time someone mentioned Elim, it was just a reminder that I wasn't there and it hurt. And while I eventually accepted that the Lord had called me to be with Henessey and Chase that summer, it didn't make it easy to say goodbye to the job I had prayed over for over seven months. But now? A few months later? I'm going back. You see? Good stories have bad middles. But the ending? The ending is good. I'm going back. Back to the place that made me so sure I wanted to be a special education teacher. Back to the place where I learned so much about students with special needs. Back to the place where I saw hands on that being in a classroom made up of 18 different personalities wasn't always easy. Back to the place where I saw it was all worth it. Back to the place where my heart loved. Back to the place where I strongly feel I belong. And it's just student teaching. It's not a job- it's an internship. But it's something. And for now, something is enough. I'm going home. Almost.
The past week or so has been stressed filled and very overwhelming. We were overwhelmed with homework on the first day of class. We were overwhelmed with expectations, rules, and guidelines that we are going to be expected to follow this year. We were overwhelmed again when we realized this is our last year at Trinity. It's in these times we have to appreciate the little things. Because it's the little things that are helping us to get through. That, and a whole lot of Jesus pulling us forward. Little victories, like mastering that rock wall.
Or coffee dates with dear friends who know you, understand you, and love you.
Like climbing trees, just because you can.
Or taking pictures because you all happen to be wearing floral.
Like rainbows in the sky..
And long walks around the block. And coffee. And so many more. The little things are important. Sometimes I have to remind myself life is made up of lots of little things that we should be noticing. And each of those things are blessings from the Lord. I'll write more later this weekend. Some big things have been happening over here, and I'm ready to share. Soon.
You know those days where you feel so blessed you tear up?
The days when everything seems perfect, everything seems okay. Everyone is happy and the pieces of life are being put together nicely.
The days where warm summer sun shines down on you as you run through the grass, playing soccer with the kids.
The days where paint spills are frequent and there is a mess left on the table- a sure sign of a fun and exciting day.
The days where you just keep pouring coffee- because you want to be awake enough to enjoy every moment you have to live.
The days where you can crash on the couch with your family in the evenings, and just exist together.
The past week has been full of those kind of days.
My schedule for last week, and for the next week and a half, basically has followed/will follow this schedule.
8am-5pm: Chase
5pm-6pm: Sleep
6pm-8:30pm: Chase
8:30pm-? : Time with Maxwell.
And then, you get lucky enough when you have both Max and Chase.
Those days are pretty awesome. Chase adores Max. It's pretty cute. I think Max is kind of fond of him too ;)
These weeks are busy. These days are full. And I'm exhausted by the end of them. But they're good days. They're days I'm blessed to have. I've been listening to these songs each morning as a reminder of that.
For the most part, I absolutely love what I do. I love waking up each day knowing this smiling face will be spending the day with me.
I love knowing that this little girl will come and bring in a whole new level of excitement to our day...Because friends, Henessey is a BIG deal. She's five and can do the big green slide all by herself.
I love knowing that each day, while it will have it's own adventures, will follow a similar routine. I love knowing that the kids will be happy, no matter what we do or where we go. I love that they still love the little things- like chalk and bike rides and sunglasses.
I love that on days when I just need a break, they'll sit together and watch a movie. Even if they've seen it 1001 times.
I love talking with this one about starting school...and hearing what she's excited for and what makes her nervous. You're never too young to sit on a bench and share your heart with someone. I'm glad she's choosing to share it with me.
I love that this guy still loves to cuddle...and that he is always ready to make a silly face when I want him too. And that he still loves to explore the world around him.
But most of all? I love watching them grow. Chase has come so far these past few months. He is now regularly talking in 3-4 word sentences...Some of the most common?
"I paint that, Emmy!"
"Where Henessey go?"
"What is that?"
"Paint in Emmy's room?"
"EMMY. Juice please. Thanks."
"Emmy, park please?"
"Read books, Emmy."
"Bike ride..Helmet."
And my personal favorite:
"EMMY. CHANGE MY DIAPER."
Being able to be a nanny comes with so many blessings. But there's also challenges.
Such as figuring out how to deal with just being the nanny.
I guess I started feeling this way even at the end of the school year. But the feeling of being just a nanny has only intensified these past few weeks. Sometimes, when Kara comes to pick up Chase, I have to restrain myself in order to keep myself from crying. I miss her. I miss her a lot. There's so much I want to tell her. So much I want her to know. And yet, she never asks these days. And so I don't tell. I'm the nanny. And I love being the nanny. Like I've said before, there's no one (besides Kara and Eric) who loves that little boy more than I do. I wouldn't trade my time with him for the world. But sometimes? Sometimes it's hard to be just a nanny.
But I'm going to do my best to be patient. I'm going to do my best to do my job, and to do it well. And I'm going to do my best to continue to serve and love, even though right now, I feel very....I'm not sure what word describes what I best feel. I'll leave you to fill in the pieces.
In the last few weeks I have started falling in love with books again. Specifically, children's literature. In the past few weeks I've read around 15 books, each one captivating me in a way unique to that story. But the book I read yesterday? Captivated me in a way only a few books ever have. Probably because I am 1001% convinced the main character in the story is actually me in another life. This book the last book in a series of four. The series itself is called The Books of Bayern.
Kara got me started on Shannon Hale's books about two weeks ago, starting with the Princess Academy books as well as The Book of a Thousand Days.
These aren't books that I would have picked up and read on my own...If I would have seen them in the store I would have just passed right over them. But when Kara gives me books, I typically trust her judgement and read them. And I loved all 3 of those books.
But anyways. Back to the Books of Bayern.
I loved each and every one of these books. The Goose Girl captivated me and I read the entire thing in one sitting. Enna Burning terrified me at first and I had to put it down for a while, but once I got over it and picked it back up I loved it. River Secrets is also good and would be a great book for any boy who struggles to fit in. But Forest Born. Forest Born was my favorite.
Forest Born is about a young girl (15) named Rin who you meet briefly in the other 3 books, but this is her story.
Rin has lived her entire life in someone else's shadow. She is quiet, afraid to speak, afraid of losing love, and so she stays quiet and helps wherever she is needed. She takes care of her older siblings' children (there's 23) and does so without ever being thanked or acknowledged. Rin is the glue that holds her family together. Then one day, Rin falls apart. She's lost, confused, and scared. Her one comfort is the woods where she is able to calm down and reevaluate what's going on. But one day, the trees stop bringing comfort and Rin has nowhere to turn. She ends up leaving her family to go to the city, where she ends up working in the palace. She desperately wants to earn the love and acceptance of the queen, a kind, gentle, and incredibly wise woman, and Rin does everything she can to try to earn the queen's love and acceptance. She also wants to get close with the queen's two best friends, because there is something so unique about their friendship and love that Rin is naturally drawn to it. In the process, she becomes the caretaker for the queen's two year old little boy who loves her dearly. She begins to start to figure out more of who she is and starts to become a little more comfortable in her own skin. But if Rin figured out who she was right then and there, it wouldn't be a very good story. When the King and Queen are threatened, Rin ends up going on the adventure of a lifetime. And I can't tell you anything more about that without ruining the story. But in the end, it's safe to say Rin has figured out a little more of who she is. She starts to talk. She confides in the Queen who helps her come to terms with what's happened in her life. And slowly, people start to get to know the real Rin. I read the entire book last night. I freaked out because Rin is so much like me. The way she thinks, her fears, her challenges, her joys, even what she finds comfort in, are exactly like me. And come on. She takes care of a two year old little boy who she calls "little man." She also happens to desperately want to be close with that little man's mother. (What?!) Books like this are the best, but also the worst. They're the best because you are completely captivated by the story. They;re the worst because in the process you learn more about yourself then you would have ever anticipated going into the story. Read these books, friends. You're life will be a little bit sweeter because of it.
Friends, I want to ask you all for a prayer request. I am really struggling right now with the fact that I have to be at Trinity. Don't get me wrong- I love being there.. I love my girls. I love that I got to be a RA this summer. But I'm ready to be done. I'm ready to just be able to be home. And knowing that that opportunity won't come between now and the start of the school year is becoming increasingly hard for me. This weekend I got to spend some time at home. With my whole family (EmK included). And it was amazing. It was amazing just to be surrounded by people who didn't want anything from me other then just for me to be there with them. And I miss that. I feel as though right now everyone that surrounds me at Trinity is constantly looking for me to to do something for them. They don't want to spend time just being together, they are always looking for me for a specific reason....Whether that's to babysit their kids, or to put in a work order, or to plan fun events, or to drive them to the store....I rarely feel right now as though I'm appreciated just for being. At home, that goes away. I can just lay on the couch with my family and be loved. I can sit at the table and play the same card game 20 times and not be considered boring. I only have 3 more weeks left as a RA at Trinity. I want to put everything I have into these last 3 weeks and I don't want to fall off now. I want to have that same love and passion for this role as I did in May. I do love my girls.. But right now, I'm just tired. So maybe you could all pray that the Lord gives me that love and passion again for this role again. Or that these next 3 weeks go by quickly. Or that my attitude changes. I'll leave you with this picture. These two are the ones that remind me on a daily basis that I'm making a difference and that I am loved exactly for who I am. That's the precious thing about the way children love- it's so unconditional. It's so special. And I soak it up. I feel the most together when I'm with them, even if they are on occasion, exhausting.
Earlier this week I was really struggling with the fact that I wasn't working at Elim. I was talking about some of the students there with one of my friends, and while we were talking my heart was aching. I wanted to be there. I still want to be there.
And I also got a little angry. I kept asking why. And it just so happened I was a little angry on a morning where I had to get up and watch Chase at 8am.
And then it hit me. This is why.
There are three reasons why I'm not working at Eilm this summer.
1) It's simply not what God had because He had
2) Chase and
3) Henessey in his plan for me this summer.
And I realized last night that while it is so hard to not be working with the students I love, I also wouldn't have it any other way. Last night as I was sitting outside at the picnic table, in the cold, and as I pulled Chase close and as he threw his arms around my neck, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace that only comes in those times when the beauty of the moment is so incredibly overwhelming and when God's presence is so close that you can't help but feel at peace.
God didn't have me working at Elim this summer. But that doesn't mean that God isn't using me. I wanted Him to use me in the lives of children with special needs and I wanted Him to use me to make a difference in the life of a child. And He is still doing that- just not in the way I was expecting.
Chase is a huge part of my life. There's no denying that. Besides his own parents, I'm not sure there is any human being on the planet who could love that little boy any more then I do. And by loving him and caring for him, I am making a difference in his life.
Henessey is a beautiful little girl who desperately needed someone to come and love her. She needed some stability. She needed someone who could love her and play with her and give her the attention she desires. By being someone Henessey can trust and count on, I am making a difference in her life.
Maybe I'm not where I thought I was going to be this summer. Maybe I'm not doing what I wanted to do.
But I am where God wants me. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
