Finding Happiness

This week, I've purposefully gone looking for happiness. 

I've found happiness in walks with dear friends....

In beautiful Michigan sunsets...

In hammocks that now hang on our porch and offer the perfect opportunity to read in the sun....or take a nap.

I've found happiness in card games with this kid....

and in taking him college shopping.

I've found happiness by watching other peoples' joy....especially his joy. Because it's so unbelievably contagious. 

I've found happiness in playing games with old friends...

and in the beauty of a friend who is more like family. 

I've found happiness in a brother who never fails to make me laugh-- who never fails to challenge me-- and who never fails to love me despite the fact that I can be a real piece of work (on occasion). 

Happiness is everywhere. 

What's been making you happy this week? Go looking for happiness. In looking, you often find you are far more blessed then you realize. 

Home

This week (for the most part) I have off of work...I get to spend several days away from campus, at home, with my family and other people who are near and dear to my heart. But I have come to realize the past few days that home will never completely have my heart again. There was a time in my life, where home meant the little yellow house in Hobart where I grew up. It meant being with my immediate family, my dogs, and my best friend.

Now? Now home looks a lot different. And I've come to realize that home is a lot of things. 

Home is the place where you are loved, no matter what.

Home is the place that you arrive and feel like you can plop down on the couch and just be for a while.

Home is the place where the people you love are...

Home is where you are challenged to grow- in whatever ways you need.

Home is where there is coffee...

And home is where there is always someone to hold your hand.

How blessed I am to have a home wherever it is I happen to be.

Try Again

To be continued...But you should watch this video. Or listen to it. Henessey has requested it on repeat the past few days...it's pretty good. 

On Being A RA #2: Sometimes....

Sometimes, it's okay to have events where only 2 girls show up. You shouldn't let it get you down.

Sometimes, you have to be the bad guy.

Sometimes, girls will get mad at you. 

Some days aren't as easy as others.

Some days the hall will be empty.

Sometimes, being the summer RA of Tibstra Hall will result in loneliness. 

That's okay.

Because sometimes, you have breakthroughs. Sometimes, girls open up to you. Sometimes, something beautiful happens.

And it's all worth it.

There are shadows here, feeding on your fears

That you don’t have what it takes

Who are you to make a change

But oh, oh, don’t underestimate the God you follow
Whatever you do, just don’t look back
Somebody needs the light you have
Whatever you do, just don’t lose heart
Keep on pushing back the dark
Keep on pushing back the dark

On Being a RA

A lot of people have been asking me about how being a RA is going. Some questions I've been asked frequently:

How are your girls?
How many girls do you have?
What kinds of events are you planning?
Do you like it?

My girls are wonderful. Currently I have 15 girls, which is small, but a good number for me. I get along with all of them, but there are definitely girls I see more than others. Some girls I hardly see at all either because they like to hide or because they really have no interest in developing relationships with me or the other girls on the floor. I try to give those girls their space while also encouraging them to talk with me for a few minutes. Bribing them with the kid or cookies/food works well #LifeLessonsfromLette#13

I've definitely developed solid and healthy relationships with most of the other girls on my floor, and I love it. In the past 3 weeks I have seen girls go from complete strangers to friends, and it is a crazy beautiful thing. Girls who at first wouldn't talk to each other are now hanging out regularly. Girls who were arguing and just not getting along are starting to find their way and the path is smooth on this side. I've seen girls work together to try and figure out the riddle I have posted on the wall in the hallway and I've seen girls race each other in the crosswords on the opposite wall. Last night, I saw girls praying together in the lounge. The Lord is working here, that much is clear. He is building friendships and breaking down walls. I've seen it already and I hope to see more of it in the upcoming months.

As far as events go, I've had two movie/hang out nights and a floor breakfast. All of which have had a great turn out. These girls love to participate and love to be involved, which makes my job easy. Those were our official floor events, though we have often sat around in my room talking or girls have just come by to sit at the table and drink tea and chat the night away. There are girls on this hall who just love to talk. I love it. 

Have tea and coffee at the ready at any time in the day. #LifeLessonsfromLette#2

In a quick summary, I love this job. There are things that are frustrating about it, but the good things far outweigh all the frustrating ones. I am excited to see what the Lord does in the upcoming weeks as we continue to grow as a floor and as friends. 

Chase

What a difference a year can make.

This week has proved to be a challenging one. It has been filled with many hard things, but also many good things. As it turns out, the best things often come in very small packages.

Chase has continued, as always, to be a huge blessing to me. His joy for life, his excitement, his curiosity about the world, and his laugh have brought more encouragement to my heart then I can explain to you in words. Chase has been the one this week to bring me the most comfort. When I felt like I was breaking down, his hugs and little "I love you"s made me feel strong enough to get back up and carry the world on my shoulders. 

The past two years have left me with a lot of healing to do this summer. Healing, I now recognize, is necessary before I can really truly be healthy again. Last week someone asked me if it was going to be possible for me to heal here this summer. I said no. If she would ask me that again, I would say yes. Healing is going to happen. I just need to allow it to come in. In the past few months I've started slipping back into a world that I had worked hard to come out of. And I was okay with it. Until this week.

Do you know what it feels like to hear a little one you love so deeply say "I love you" for the first time?

 I sometimes feel like a part-time mom. I am with Chase so often that I feel as if I know him almost as well as Kara and Eric do. They jokingly call me his third parent and I hated that for a long time, but now I'm okay with it. Because there is so much love in my heart for that little boy that he is giving me a reason to fight to come out of that world I started slipping into. He gives me strength. I imagine that would be kind of what a parent would feel like.

I'm not sure why God has me here this summer. I'm still waiting for him to show me how this summer fits in with the rest of the pieces of my life. But I do know this. There is a little boy here who needs me. And if that's the only reason the Lord has me here this summer, then it's totally going to be worth it. And that little boy is helping me heal. One step at a time, I am healing.

There is no easy way to heal; not one cure that will take all the pain away forever. No making it all go away all at once. It's a process. A process in which the Lord takes the scar tissue wrapped so tightly around your heart and begins to break it apart. It hurts. It's painful. But the end result is good. And it takes time. It takes many small steps upward; but it comes. And with it, joy.

Elim

Today, I found out that I didn't get the job at Elim that I have been praying for steadily for the past seven months. My heart is crushed. I don't understand what the Lord is doing right now. And I know that He has an awesome plan and that whatever he wants accomplished this summer will be accomplished. I know that I need to trust Him.

But for today, I am heartbroken. 

I have wanted this job more than anything for months now. And being rejected is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in a while. And tonight, I'm struggling. Tonight, I just wanted someone to come hug me and tell me that the Lord has a plan. Tonight I needed someone to tell ME that it's going to be okay. 

How is it that I am surrounded by 15 beautiful girls all the time and yet feel so very alone?

I don't expect these girls to comfort me. It's not their job. It's my job to love them. And I'm happy that it's that way. 

But I did expect encouragement from others here. People who I respect. People who I love. People who I rush to help as soon as they ask. People who I readily encourage. And when I sought comfort or encouragement from them, I was rejected again. And left feeling more alone then ever. 

All this has led to me being really confused as to what in the world the Lord is doing in my life. What is he teaching me? What is he trying to show me? Is he trying to teach me to depend more on him? To be more self-sufficient? To trust that whatever he has is good? I'm not sure. But tonight, I've been questioning. A lot. 

Why am I here? 

I don't mean to complain. I don't mean to make things seem worse then they are. Please don't take this post as my complaining. This post is my heart tonight. Thanks for listening to it. 

RA Life

Monday morning, I checked in students for 3 hours. Monday afternoon, I checked in students for 2 hours. I jumped around, took keys, gave out new keys, talked with parents, navigated testy waves between 2 roommates, moved a couch, and delivered cookies. 

Tuesday, I spent the day hanging up hall decorations, making door decs now that rooms have officially been decided, and spent time wandering around visiting residents.

You would not believe how long it took me to make 16 of these.

Today, I had quality roommate bonding time and my first official floor event. 

Frozen!

They were VERY excited about the movie. 3 of the girls had not seen it before!

Tonight as I ran down the hall yelling "Come watch Frozen and eat brownies", I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I was obnoxious and outgoing. This job gives me the excuse to do that without making a fool of myself.

I loved every minute of it.

Maybe I'll get used to this whole RA thing after all. 

Transitions

In special education, one thing we always talk about is transition. We talk about where we want our students to end up, what we want them to be able to do, and how we are going to get them there. In IL, transition plans are implemented at 14 and a 1/2 and include transition plans for the areas of education, employment, and when appropriate, independent living. The special education teacher works to develop transition plans for her students. The whole point of the transition plan is to help prepare the student for life after school.

Lately, I've been wishing someone would develop a transition plan for me.

There are a lot of transitions happening in my life right now.

I'm transitioning from a junior in college to a senior.
I'm transitioning from being led by some pretty incredible people to being the leader.
I'm transitioning from a resident to a resident assistant. 
I'm transitioning from having two beautiful roommates whom I love dearly to three roommates who I hardly know.
I'm transitioning from being surrounded by my dearest friends to being surrounded by girls I've never even met.
And on top of that, I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to work this summer, how I am going to survive being completely on my own, and trying to come to terms with the fact that this school year, while it was good, left me broken, bruised, exhausted, and unstable.

I didn't realize the toll this semester had taken on me (emotionally, mentally, and physically), until Thursday when I finished my last final. Within an hour, I came crashing down to the ground as I was hit in the gut with the reality of what this semester had done to me. As I sank onto my couch, I just began to sob. From relief. Pure relief. I was finished and I had made it through. And then I was hit with a whole different reality- the year was over. Some of the people I respect and love the most on campus were graduating. I had committed to being an RA over the summer, which meant I was not going to be home. I had no plan set in stone for where I was going to work this summer. My friends were leaving school while I was to remain behind. And I was being left behind in a mental state of mind that was just asking for trouble. 

I crashed. I crashed hard and fast. I ended up in a friend's room, sitting back by a desk she was cleaning, and full on sobbing for quite some time. She was gracious enough to sit with me, hold my hand, pray with me, and help me calm down. But it wasn't a pretty picture. I think I have only cried that hard in front of a friend one other time in my life. 

When I finally got home on Friday, I just continued to spiral downwards. I spent most of the afternoon throwing up with some sort of 24 hour bug. But that bug left me basically pinned on the couch and required me to rest. Which is what I needed.

Then today, I realized that while there are a lot of transitions happening right now, soon things will settle and become normal. A wise friend told me this week not to think life was bad because right now things are overwhelming. Sometimes, things need to be overwhelming. It makes us appreciate the calm more when it comes. 

So here's to making these transitions with flying colors. Here's to not letting the transitions bring me down. Here's to thriving, not just surviving, here at Trinity this summer. It may be a bumpy ride for the next few days/weeks. But it's one I am determined to make good. 

Hippo-Hoorary, I'm gonna be a RA!

I am taking a quick little break from my finals studying to tell you all the most exciting thing that happened in my life this past week.

Back in March, Kara talked to me about the possibility of being a RA in Tibstra over the summer. Now that the village has closed down, Tibstra has become the summer housing for Trinity students who are either taking summer classes, for international students, or for students who are working on/off campus and do not want to go home. At first, I was a little hesitant about it. It means I am not going home at all for the summer. I've never not been home for summer before and the thought was honestly a little terrifying.

But after lots of prayer and conversations with dear friends and a wonderful professor, I have moved forward and have taken the position, and I couldn't be any more excited! I get to stay in my same room which means I do not have to move any of my stuff out. I'll have anywhere between 15-25 girls on the floor depending on what month it is. I'll also have two roommates, neither of whom I know well, but am looking forward to getting to know. I'll also be working alongside Brandon Taylor (the RA for the boys floor) and Lauren Outcalt (the South Hall RD) and I am so excited to see what the Lord does in our relationships over the next three and a half months.

I am sure I will be much more excited towards the end of next week when finals are over and I can start planning things for my floor. I definitely want to do name tags (for my own personal reference) and some sort of hall decoration (though I haven't even remotely thought about that). Really I am just excited for the opportunity to love these girls that the Lord will be bringing into my life. I am praying that He will use me in whatever ways these girls need.

Maybe I'll use these adorable things for name tags ;)