This is basically exactly what ran through my mind this week.
This week I have had several different conversations with people about Woody living in Tibstra. That is not unusual; I am blessed to have several people in my life who are constantly reminding me that God's plans are greater than our own and that Woody is in Tib for a reason. Sometimes I need that.
The first conversation that struck this particular series of conversations however, was when I came to the realization that Woody was going to be involved with Roseland this year.
I was sitting in a meeting with Kara, Octavia (the Roseland leader), Tabitha (our amazing community partnership director), Josh (my coworker) and Heather (other coworker). We had been talking about plans for the Roseland kids and Kara said something about talking to "her RAs" about getting involved.
It felt like someone had taken a knife and stabbed it right into my stomach.
And when I think about it, I really shouldn't have been as surprised as I was. Last year the Tibstra RAs (Lette, Lisa, and Josh) were very actively involved with Roseland. It was part of their jobs as RAs to be there when the Roseland kids came to Trinity and it was part of their job to be around. I just never made the connection that as a Tibstra Hall RA, Woody would be assuming that role.
The second conversation was with my wonderful Anna, who is so consistent in speaking truth over my life. I basically just told her my concerns about Woody and Roseland, which turned into concerns about Woody in general.
The third conversation was with Kara and Woody. I had finally gotten the chance to talk with Kara for a few minutes, which was so nice and needed. I've really missed being able to talk with her and so even having just a few minutes to spend with her was really encouraging. She's really an amazing woman and such an example for me, and as Lori said in her blog, Kara often deserves the "person of the week award." Anyways, we were talking about Roseland when Woody walked up and Kara asked him if he had ever been to Roseland etc. I looked at Kara and basically begged her to recognize that this is something I'm struggling with. After last year I know that Kara knows me well enough to know that I struggle with major inferiority issues when it comes to Woody, so I think it bothered me she didn't make that connection.
And the fourth conversation was with Rochelle, when I poured my heart out to hear about how I was struggling with feeling ignored by someone who I desperately want/need to SEE me. Which goes back to our human nature, we want to be seen. As selfish as it is, we want to be seen and acknowledged. And for whatever reason, it is very very important to me that said person take the time to seek me out and acknowledge me. I think I need that in order to be okay with Woody being here. And so far, it hasn't happened. And I'm not sure it will. And it makes my stomach hurt to think about it.
And so what have I done?
I've prayed. A lot. I've prayed for the Lord to come in and heal my heart and keep me focused on Him above all else. I don't want to give the enemy anything that could keep me from growing in my relationship with the Lord and while this is something I struggle a lot with, I know that I absolutely have to keep my focus on the Lord and speak truth when the lies and temptations come. He wants all of me, all of the time, and I want Him to have me all of the time. And so it is a daily surrender to Him. And while it might take something along the lines of a red sea miracle for me to be completely okay with Woody being in Tib, every time I see him in Tib, with Chase, or with Kara, I stop myself and make sure I speak truth over the situation. That has been really helpful. And I'm still struggling, obviously. But it's getting easier.
And yes, I know it is really selfish of me to not really want Woody in Tib and to want Roseland to be "my thing." I think a lot of that comes out of the fact that I am in a leadership position at Roseland and I really want to thrive at it, and usually when Woody and I do the same things he assumes leadership and I just shrivel up. I think I might be more okay with it once I am fully comfortable with my role and confident in my own abilities. But for now, it's something I struggle with and have to continuously pray for the Lord's comfort and for His guidance. And I know that God has great plans for Woody here, and as long as I remember that, I'm okay. Because it is ALL about HIM (God) and what brings HIM glory all the time.
And these songs have been really meaningful to me as I have worked through this in the past week. So you should listen to them. They're good :)
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