Roseland

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN024Xh3ZLA

Sometime, when my heart hurts less, I'll write an actual post about things going on at Roseland. For now, you should take a few minutes to watch the video above. And listen to the song the kids are dancing to at the end of the video. But really listen.

These kids are surrounded by a reality that we ourselves cannot even imagine. They live in a world where gunshots go off every night, where people they know die every week. 

Do something. 

Stop the violence.

Finals Week...and Break Thus Far.

Holy cow! It's time to play a round of catch up!

It was brought to my attention the other day that it had been weeks since I wrote my last blog post. So now I am actually sitting down to take the time to write about what's been going on in my life as of late...I promise- you haven't missed anything exciting.

Finals week proved to be challenging- it wasn't so much that my finals themselves were challenging, but more that the week held many little battles to fight and mountains to climb that I wasn't quite expecting. Some of these included a general lack of sleep, being stressed due to the state of our room- it was a DISASTER, having to deal with multiple exploding diapers- and when I mean exploding, I mean literally ALL. OVER, having to figure out how to navigate finals week without my laptop, and just trying to manage every day life. It honestly wasn't that bad, but there were moments during the week that I just wanted to be home and away from Trinity. But there were also moments I wouldn't trade for the world- like being able to go ice skating with the Roseland kiddos.

Love this little one.

Kaitlin!

These sweet girls have taught me so much about true joy, love, patience, and perseverance. Their stories are incredible, and I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to pour into them. 

But then come Friday all of that stress simply vanished. I was finally able to say that I had conquered the semester and to celebrate I spent the day just relaxing...I went and got coffee with my dear Ashley and caught up on her life and caught her up on mine, I did some last minute Christmas shopping, and then spent the rest of the day with Chase while Kara caught up on some grad school work and checked out students.

Friday night I was literally one of the ONLY people in Tibstra Hall and so I spent the night watching Gilmore Girls, cleaning, wrapping presents, and thoroughly enjoying alone time. It was actually really good for me to be able to just spend time thinking, praying, and reflecting on the semester.

Saturday I kept Chase for the morning/early afternoon, meaning from 7am-2pm. It was really great to be able to spend that time with him while his mama was away. We also took some Christmas pictures.....

He knows when I say, "CHASE, SMILE BIG!" that he is supposed to look at me and smile. It's pretty adorable.

So. Sassy.

Pretty stinkin adorable he is.

Also on Saturday, LETTE CAME HOME!!! Words cannot possibly express the pure joy that filled my heart when I walked up the stairs to see her standing in Molly's room. I am entirely convinced that if I hadn't been holding Chase I would have been a bawling mess. It was so great to see her, to hug her, to be with her, and to hear her laugh. It almost felt like she had never left as we were all sitting on the floor together, talking, swapping stories, drinking tea and eating good food. It was wonderful.

But as amazing as it was to spend the day with Chase and to welcome Lette back, Saturday was also a day full of sadness.

I had to say goodbye to Roch.

I could have never been prepared for this, even though I knew it was coming. Rochelle has the incredible opportunity to study abroad next semester in Kenya. And though my heart is so excited for her to have that chance to impact the lives of the people in Kenya, my heart also is so deeply saddened by her leaving. I have never been at Trinity without Roch. Since freshman year she has been by my side, leading me, guiding me, caring for me, pouring into me, praying for me, tackling me, and challenging me to be a woman of God. Rochelle has had a HUGE impact on who I am today. I cannot imagine Trinity without her. Words cannot express how much I am going to miss her and the beautiful woman of God that she is.

After all of this, I was finally able to GO HOME.

Home is good. Really good.

Week one of break has truly been wonderful. Saturday night we hung out as a family, watched a movie, and just enjoyed being together. Molly was also with us, which just added to the fun.

Molly has now been with my family for periods of time over both Thanksgiving and Christmas break and through these visits I have definitely been able to get to know her more and the more I get to know her the more I am blessed by the beautiful woman of God that she is. It is so clear that she loves the Lord and that she cares deeply for my brother and even for my family. And she really is one of us. She fits in so well with my family, with how we work, and it really feels like she has been around forever. I think that's part of the reason I have been able to open up with her some these past few weeks. Her sweetness, gentleness, and joy are such a blessing to me and I am thankful for the friend/sister I have found in her. I hope that in these next weeks our friendship continues to grow.

Other highlights of break thus far...

• ELIM!!! On Wednesday I had the opportunity to go up to Elim for the whole day. It was SO good to be able to be there, with my kids and with Mrs. Ashley. My heart was filled with a joy I can't even explain the moment I walked into the building. I belong there. I just do. 

• EM! It has been so good to be back with my dear Emily. I have missed her so much this semester and it has been wonderful to be able to talk with her, catch up with her, laugh with her, and just be with her. Em and I are to the point where we can really do anything and have fun. I am so blessed to have her as my best friend.
• Hangout with Em, Nikki, Molly, and Caroline....On Thursday night all of these beautiful girls were at my house. I cannot even explain what a joy it was to have them all here. We had so much fun just talking, laughing, and being together. I've missed that. 

• Hanging out with Jacob! Oh how I have missed him! This week I was able to spend the afternoon with him, which hasn't happened since I left for college. It was great to be able to spend time with him doing crafts and laughing together.

• Babysitting Jack and Ava! This was also really the first time I got to spend solid time with these two crazies since I left back in August. It was sooooo fun to be there with them! Molly also came with me for the morning part, which was really fun. The kids loved her. 

And for now, I think that's a wrap! I have another post in mind, but you all are going to have to wait till tomorrow for that one.

"Her hair is up....RUNN"

For those of you who know me well, you know that I never put my hair up unless I am unbelievably desperate. If you want to know why I always have my hair down, ask Alyssa Slinkman. Somehow, with this, she can explain my thought process better than I can. 

So today, I was getting to the point where I was on the verge of breaking. And the hair went up.

My roommates were warned at the beginning of the year that if my hair is up I am unbelievably stressed and they should probably just avoid me until it comes back down. This morning, within ten minutes of putting my hair up, Megan walked into the living room and exclaimed, "Oh no! Your hair is up!" and quickly exited the room.

Ten minutes later, Melissa walked in, saw my hair, looked at me wide eyed, and after a moment exclaimed, "RUUUUNNNN!" Somehow, I think she knew I needed that. Because after I went into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Melissa is really good at getting me out of a funk, without even knowing it. That girl is a blessing, for sure. 

These last two weeks have been incredibly challenging...I have been stretched, I've been broken, I've been bruised, I've fallen and failed, and then been challenged to get back up. Right now I have a lot of people depending on me to be the strong one and in a lot of ways that is so good for me. It forces me to be collected and it forces me to get back up when I fall. But sometimes, it is really hard to be the one that needs to be strong. Because then you aren't supported. And sometimes you need support too. 

But I am thankful for those who have made life a little easier.

I'm thankful for Chase, who somehow knows when I just need him to sit on my lap and cuddle with me.

I'm thankful for Azariyah and Lenora, who filled my heart with joy on Tuesday night. 

I'm thankful for Caroline, who let me sit at desk and chat with her on Tuesday night.

I'm thankful for Kara, who knows me so well she knows when something is wrong with one look at me. 

I'm thankful for Molly, who lets me come and sit at desk with her without making me talk to her about what's going on.

And I'm thankful for Roch, who picks on me in the most inappropriate ways in the most inappropriately perfect times.

And I'm thankful for this kid, who never fails to make me laugh when I need it. 

3 Minute Blog Post

I have allotted myself 3 minnutes to type this post. Let's see how much I can cover.

Obviously, I have beyond failed at the thankfulness posts. I had no idea at the beginning of last week how crazy it would be. I cried every day out of exhaustion, stress, and frustration (Thank you, Lori, for being there for me to run to and cry with. And then for gently making me get back up and keep working). But, in the midst of the craziness of last week, several good things happened as well:

- I spent time with my beautiful little Azariyah.
- I had time with Kara, JUST US, for the first time in months
- I received notes from people who knew I was struggling
- Teacher aiding Friday was a blast
- I spent quality time with Maxwell...just us. 
- I played a game of Mao with my family that left me in tears because I was laughing SO hard 

The Lord really gave me the encouragement I needed when I needed it, and I am so thankful for each and every one of you who helped get me through last week. I appreciate you all more then you know. 

Quick Updates

Peeps- Life has been beyond ridiculous the past few weeks. I apologize for my blogging absence and to those of you who actually usually see me around, I apologize for not being around. My days have been filled with classes, baby Chase, teacher aiding, homework, devos, and if there is time left over, sleep. Currently I average about 3 hours night. 4 hours on a good night. And nursing majors think they are the only ones who are busy. HA! We education people are just as busy, we just have more fun. (No offense to you nursing majors out there. Earlier this week I heard a girl say that nursing majors were the only ones who ever had anything to do. It ticked me off a little more then it should have). 

So for now, I'll give you the quick rundown of things going on in the life of Emily.

• Classes are insane. My workload is crazy. That comes with taking 19 credits, but still, I have no idea how I function. November is going to be a crazy month for me, and if you ever feel like shooting me an encouraging text, or giving me a hug, I will not deny it. Just thinking about all the work I have to do this month makes me want to cry. 
• Baby Chase- pretty much amazing as always. Chase has definitely become someone I depend on. Funny isn't it? He is only a year old and already has people depending on him. I get a lot of energy and joy from spending time with him, and so often the times I do spend with him are times that help "fuel my fire" so to speak, for the rest of the day. Last week he had the chicken pox and I was unable to be around him. It didn't go well.
• Roseland- talk to me about it in person if you want to know.
• Roommates- I can honestly tell you that for the most part I absolutely love my roommates. Megan and Melissa especially. We get along really really well and I do love spending time with them. Things overheard in Tib 39 this week:
• "My eye is watering like freaking lava!" - Melissa
• "Oh Kids!" - me
• (Browsing christian mingle) "dónde está mi esposo?" (aka, where is my husband?) - Melissa
• "Lord just take me now." - me (studying for midterms)
• "A brownie is a brownie no matter what shape it is in." - Megan
• "OH MY GOSH, this is horrible! Oh no!!!" - Me "calm down, Emily, have you not seen this movie before?!"- Melissa "No I have!" - Me
• "What is my life?!" - me
• "I just want to poke his little beady eyes out!" - Brittany
• "If they kiss I'm going to punch a bat." - Melissa 
• God- the only One who gets me through my roughest days. I'm seeing him do amazing things in my life though, which is incredible.
• Teacher aiding- constantly shows me on a daily basis I am meant to be a special education teacher. I'm going to cry when I have to leave this placement. Hard. 

And I leave you with a little education humor. This cracks me up every time. 

Amen

This week my heart has been so encouraged by those around me. Let me tell you why.

(Warning. Usually I try to make my blog a little more eloquent and interesting. Today, I really just don't care, so you are getting the straight up facts of life this week) :)

I've been pretty open on this blog with how I am doing with adjusting back to life at Trinity. It hasn't always been easy; it's been a journey that has been at times steep and narrow, but it is a journey that I am seeing has always been good. 

I shared with you all on Monday how some of the things I was struggling with were feeling like I was not feeling loved and cared about here...things that I know are lies from the enemy. 

And I also shared with you how I prayed that the Lord would reveal Himself to me more this week and that He would show me that He has not left or forgotten about me. And I asked Him to show me I am loved. 

He didn't have to answer that prayer. But He did. In incredible and beautiful ways. 

Monday night I hung out with Kara and her apartment. Just talking and helping her make dinner. One of the best parts about that was that Kara was very intentional about spending time with me and took the time to text me and tell me to come hang out with her. It was amazing and I am so thankful for that time we had. Becca and I also hung out and made cookies together. It was awesome to get to catch up with her.

Tuesday was a bit of a rough day. Classes were rough and I was exhausted. I couldn't wait to go to Roseland and see my kids...I got there only to find out within a few minutes of being there that one of my little girls had moved and is no longer in the program. I didn't even get to say goodbye to her.

That was really, really hard. My prayer is that Lenora is in a safer neighborhood now. This little girl touched my life and my heart, and I will continue to pray for her and I will continue to pray that the Lord draws her to Himself. 

After coming home from Roseland I spent some time on the phone with Anna, just talking through some really hard life stuff that I really would have rather ignored. While I was talking with her I got a text from Kara asking me to come watch Chase while she went to an event we had on campus. The timing was kind of poor- I had been crying on the phone and I'm sure I looked like a wreck walking into her apartment. 

Being with Chase then was really good for me. It was good to sit and play with him. It was good to cuddle with him on the couch and sing him to sleep.  I love that little boy like my own brother.

When Kara came back she immediately walked into the room and sat down next to me and gave me what I call her, "tell me what's on your heart" look. And when I didn't, she asked what was going on and it turned into a conversation that lasted over an hour in which walls were broken down that I didn't even know were there. 

Me- "No, I refuse to cry."
Kara- "Two words- Jesus Wept."

 I was able to talk freely with Kara about what was going on without any fear of what she would think. And in the end she was able to say out loud exactly what I was feeling, even though I couldn't bring myself to say it. It amazes me how well Kara knows me, knows how to get to my heart, knows how to help me work through it and then knows how to get me to get up and move forward. She tells me it's "spirit speaking to spirit, heart speaking to heart." Sometimes I wonder what that fully means. But I left that conversation feeling very encouraged and loved. 

On Wednesday Kara followed up with our Tuesday conversation and ended up sitting with me in my apartment for about a half hour just talking. Again, I left the conversation with a heart full of hope and feeling very encouraged. 

Thursday night about 20 girls from Third Tib gathered in Kara's apartment because she had invited us down to enjoy some goodies she had so graciously made for us. It was so much fun to be able to fellowship with other women from the floor and was all around just a beautiful time together.  Several hours later I went down to desk with the intention of visiting with Molly, but ended up sitting on the lobby floor with Kara showing her pictures of Woody and I growing up and looking at hippos. (Can I mention again it is a good thing I know Kara will never judge me?) 

And then came Saturday..which was yesterday. Yesterday was a day full of homework and a day full of fun and joy as well. Around 1:30pm my dear Lori came over to hang out and do homework, and we were shortly joined by Kaity, who I hadn't seen in 10 days (if you know us at all, that's something of a record for when we are at school).  And though we were doing homework, the time was full of laughter and there was a joy in my heart that I cannot even describe. Around 4:30 we took a homework break and hit up the Trin Trail and spent some time outdoors because we were ALL totally in love with the fall weather. It was so fun to be outside enjoying God's beautiful creation with some of my favorite people.

After we walked on the Trin Trail we went to dinner and then Lori and I headed back to Tib while Kaity and Abby headed back to Alumni.  Somewhat randomly Lori and I ended up sitting at a picnic bench between Tib and the cafe just talking about life. I've discovered that some of my favorite conversations with Lori end up being ones that are not planned and just kind of happen on their own. We ended up sitting outside for almost an hour just talking through some things together and it was such a beautiful time. I loved it. I love my heart-to-hearts with Lori and they always leave me feeling encouraged.

Lori and I continued homeworking until 7:30pm and then joined back up with Kaity, Abby, and Rachel to go to Plush Horse where we all got some amazingly delicious ice cream and just enjoyed time together.

The night ended with a phone call from my dear Anna in which another heart-to-heart was had. We talked for over an hour and it was a beautiful way to end a beautiful day.

God is faithful to answer our prayers and to give us everything we need. And this week He showed me how not alone I am and how loved and cared for I am. I am so blessed.

"SEE ME!"

"SEE me! LOOK at me! Why don't you SEE?!"

This is basically exactly what ran through my mind this week.

This week I have had several different conversations with people about Woody living in Tibstra. That is not unusual; I am blessed to have several people in my life who are constantly reminding me that God's plans are greater than our own and that Woody is in Tib for a reason. Sometimes I need that.

The first conversation that struck this particular series of conversations however, was when I came to the realization that Woody was going to be involved with Roseland this year.

I was sitting in a meeting with Kara, Octavia (the Roseland leader), Tabitha (our amazing community partnership director), Josh (my coworker) and Heather (other coworker). We had been talking about plans for the Roseland kids and Kara said something about talking to "her RAs" about getting involved.

It felt like someone had taken a knife and stabbed it right into my stomach.

And when I think about it, I really shouldn't have been as surprised as I was. Last year the Tibstra RAs (Lette, Lisa, and Josh) were very actively involved with Roseland. It was part of their jobs as RAs to be there when the Roseland kids came to Trinity and it was part of their job to be around. I just never made the connection that as a Tibstra Hall RA, Woody would be assuming that role.

The second conversation was with my wonderful Anna, who is so consistent in speaking truth over my life. I basically just told her my concerns about Woody and Roseland, which turned into concerns about Woody in general. 

The third conversation was with Kara and Woody. I had finally gotten the chance to talk with Kara for a few minutes, which was so nice and needed. I've really missed being able to talk with her and so even having just a few minutes to spend with her was really encouraging. She's really an amazing woman and such an example for me, and as Lori said in her blog, Kara often deserves the "person of the week award." Anyways, we were talking about Roseland when Woody walked up and Kara asked him if he had ever been to Roseland etc. I looked at Kara and basically begged her to recognize that this is something I'm struggling with. After last year I know that Kara knows me well enough to know that I struggle with major inferiority issues when it comes to Woody, so I think it bothered me she didn't make that connection. 

And the fourth conversation was with Rochelle, when I poured my heart out to hear about how I was struggling with feeling ignored by someone who I desperately want/need to SEE me. Which goes back to our human nature, we want to be seen.  As selfish as it is, we want to be seen and acknowledged. And for whatever reason, it is very very important to me that said person take the time to seek me out and acknowledge me. I think I need that in order to be okay with Woody being here. And so far, it hasn't happened. And I'm not sure it will. And it makes my stomach hurt to think about it. 

And so what have I done?

I've prayed. A lot. I've prayed for the Lord to come in and heal my heart and keep me focused on Him above all else.  I don't want to give the enemy anything that could keep me from growing in my relationship with the Lord and while this is something I struggle a lot with, I know that I absolutely have to keep my focus on the Lord and speak truth when the lies and temptations come. He wants all of me, all of the time, and I want Him to have me all of the time. And so it is a daily surrender to Him. And while it might take something along the lines of a red sea miracle for me to be completely okay with Woody being in Tib, every time I see him in Tib, with Chase, or with Kara, I stop myself and make sure I speak truth over the situation. That has been really helpful. And I'm still struggling, obviously. But it's getting easier. 

And yes, I know it is really selfish of me to not really want Woody in Tib and to want Roseland to be "my thing." I think a lot of that comes out of the fact that I am in a leadership position at Roseland and I really want to thrive at it, and usually when Woody and I do the same things he assumes leadership and I just shrivel up. I think I might be more okay with it once I am fully comfortable with my role and confident in my own abilities. But for now, it's something I struggle with and have to continuously pray for the Lord's comfort and for His guidance. And I know that God has great plans for Woody here, and as long as I remember that, I'm okay. Because it is ALL about HIM (God) and what brings HIM glory all the time. 

And these songs have been really meaningful to me as I have worked through this in the past week. So you should listen to them. They're good :)

Back at Roseland

Two posts in one day! I know, crazy!! Look at me and my bad self... blogging away like a boss. Okay. Maybe not. But you should watch this clip because it's funny and only 15 seconds long.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J27mHpL5LT0

Anywhoooo.

Today was the first day Josh, Heather, and I headed back to Roseland.

It was better than I could have imagined.

First of all, the car ride there was so so fun. Josh and I kept laughing at each other and making jokes. It was great. We work really well together. I'm oddly comfortable around him, and I love it. 

Second of all, Azariyah made my whole week. I walked in the room and she looked at me, did a double take, and then just full out ran to me and wrapped her arms around my legs and literally held onto me almost the entire time we were there. It was precious. Beyond precious. That gave me motivation to be here and not home right now. And I so needed it. The other kids were great too. I got attacked by several of the middle school girls, which was also fantastic. It's so great to see the results of how much I poured into those girls last year and I am excited for the chance to continue to pour into them this year.

Third, the actual Roseland team is amazing. I had forgotten how much so. I am so excited to get to know all of the people there better this year as I step into this position. It will be great, and I am so excited for the challenge. :)

And yeah. My heart is rejoicing tonight. All the glory to the One who gives me everything I need when I need it.

Philippians 4:19- And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Quick Updates:

Here's just a short update on how things are going.

• Roommates- I am excited to get to know these girls. I know I was put with them for a specific reason even if that is just to love them and show them Christ. So here I am. It hasn't been easy. But my prayer right now is that I show them the love of Christ above all else.
• Classes- In full swing and crazy! I ended up signing up for 7 classes, accidentally, so I'm taking more credits then I think I probably should be taking right now. Oops. Needless to say I spent a solid eight hours on homework Saturday and I am still not even close to being done! But I think I will like all my classes but one, so for now that is encouraging.
• Baby Chase- I haven't officially started watching him regularly yet, but Kara has my schedule and should be letting me know what days/times she wants me babysitting on a regular basis. I am excited to get to spend time with the little man. Something I am struggling with when it comes to Kara and Chase is that I really want Kara to know that I don't just come see her so I can see Chase- I want to spend time with her.  I don't know that she realizes that, so I've made it a goal of mine to make it clear. That's another topic though.
• Roseland- STARTS TODAY!!!!!! Can I say I am flipping excited? I cannot wait to be back with all of my kiddos! I might cry. I've missed them so much! And like I said a few months ago I am taking a leadership position with Roseland this year and am actually going to be driving vans and getting paid for what I am doing. I found out this week that I am actually splitting the position with another girl, which initially really frustrated me. I think I felt like I had earned the work study position because last year I was so committed to going to Roseland for 9 hours every week and working there with the kids and so when Kara told me the position was split between me and a girl who didn't go much last year, I felt a little...I don't want to say betrayed, but definitely disappointed and frustrated. But then I just sat back and realized I have never gone to Roseland because I look at it as a job or as a way to make money. I go because I love the kids. I go because I want to share Christ with them. I go because I was called there. So does it matter if I'm getting paid? No. I'm doing what I love and what the Lord has called me to do. And that's what matters.

I hope everyone is well and that you are all feeling surrounded by Christ and his incredible love :)

I'm not Ready.......

I’m not ready to say goodbye, even just for a summer, to this place I have so quickly learned to call my home. This place, the faces that surround me in my daily life, mean home to me. I realized this fully last weekend. Lette took a few girls from the floor and I to IKEA and Petland- a trip that took us about a half an hour away from campus. By the time we were leaving Petland I was starting to feel sick and had this overwhelming feeling of wanting to be home. It shocked me that I wasn’t thinking of my home in Hobart, Indiana.

This semester has been a learning experience for me and has challenged me in ways I didn’t know were possible. I have gone through so much, come through so much, learned so much, and still have so much to learn. This semester I have been given the chance to pour into others in ways I haven’t been able to before- but I have been poured into by others as well. I’ve loved and been loved, nurtured and been nurtured. I’ve lost friendships, and developed friendships. I’ve been broken down and then put back together. I’ve found more of who I am.

The end of this year is the closing of one chapter of my life. At the end of this year I have to say “goodbye” to the three girls I have lived with 18 out of the last 24 months of my life. While I know I’ll see them around campus next year, I know our relationships will never be the same. And that breaks my heart.  These girls are my sisters, and being separated from them is going to be harder for me then I think I realized.

It is also the beginning of a new chapter. Next year I have the unique opportunity to start over. I am rooming with four girls I do not know and who do not know me. I am hoping that this will be the start to a beautiful chapter of our lives- though it is absolutely terrifying to me right now.

And I’m not ready to say goodbye.

I’m not ready to say goodbye to my best friend, who has been a constant support and encouragement to me these past months. I can honestly say I am more me with Kaity then I am with anyone else. I laugh harder with her then I ever have with anyone. I cry around her without shame. I’m silly and goofy around her because I know she would never judge me. I have found a beautiful friend in Kaity these past two years and I am so thankful for the constant blessing she is.

I’m not ready to say goodbye to my beautiful roommates. I love these girls, so much. 

I’m not ready to say goodbye to two of the most important women in my life. I have been blessed to have these two wonderful ladies as RAs and more importantly as friends these past two years and I don't know where I would be without them. 

I'm not ready to say goodbye to one of the girls I have slowly learned to call one of my dearest friends.

Or to the kiddos that have not only touched my heart but have changed my life.

Not to mention this precious baby boy

and his beautiful mama. Kara has been such an important part of my life this year. She has played a huge role in it and her constant support, love, firmness, and encouragement have helped me become more of who I want to be. I am so thankful for her and the blessing she is.

Trinity is such a huge part of who I am. And while I am excited to be home, I'm also dreading it at the same time. I'm excited to spend time with my family. I'm excited to finish redoing my room. I'm excited to start working. But I don't do well with change, and this summer is bringing in lots of change.

It's a good thing I have a few wonderful people to return to. 

Max- I'm so lucky to have this kid as a brother. His constant encouragement and excitement about my return home this past week has been so needed.

Kieffer- this beautiful young woman is such a light for Christ and I am so blessed to have her as  a friend. 

There are no words to describe Hannah. She is herself. and she is incredibly amazing. 

And of course, my bestest friend. Although Em won't be around much this summer I am still stoked to get to see her before she leaves for her internship. 

Quick Update

It's been a while since I have updated you all on what's been going on, so I thought I should write a quick post with some of the major things from these last two weeks.

• As always, Roseland has been fantastic. I have been struggling with some of the new leaders there who are taking over the LOT program, but the kids are still there which makes it rewarding all the same. We are just in a period of transition, and I don't like that. But it won't be long before it becomes normal, so it's just a matter of getting used to it. Today I got to spend some quality time with my favorite little girl, which I have been unable to do the last two times I have gone because of some of the changes that are being made. It was wonderful to be able to laugh with her, talk with her, let her braid my hair, do homework with her and swing her in circles....Just all around wonderful. 

• Aiding Placement- I've finally decided, as in I decided last week, that I like my aiding placement. It's taken me the whole semester, but I finally got there. I have always liked my cooperating teacher, I'm just not meant to work in middle school. But I have finally really connected with the kids and am learning to love it more and more. The only sad thing about that is I only have a week left. 
• Roommates- This is the hard one. I am finding that I am almost in denial about the fact that I won't be rooming with these girls next year. It breaks my heart. I can't think about it too hard or I just cry. The good news is while it is super hard, we also have had lots of good bonding time and lots of good talks, which I am so thankful for.
• Kaity- Finally last weekend I got to spend some major quality time with Kaity. We watched Mean Girls and did nails, went on a coffee run and just caught up on life. That was insanely wonderful and so needed. I love my best friend. Quote of the night- 
•  Me- "it's going to be 76 degrees tomorrow and 85 on Tuesday!
• Kaity-"I gotta start wearing shorts, but that requires two things, shaving my legs and getting toned legs in one. night!"
• Classes- I am so ready for classes to be done! I am still loving my history class though, so that is fantastic. It has been my favorite class this whole school year by far!
• Dad's Birthday- Dad turned 42 last week!! Woody and I buzzed home really quickly on Tuesday from about 3pm-10pm and spent the afternoon with Dad, Mom, and Max celebrating Dad and the incredible blessing he is to all of us.
• Young Authors Festival- Last week my English Class had the opportunity to take part in the Young Authors Festival which was held on campus. I was put in charge of a group of 6 fourth graders who all wrote incredibly thoughtful and adorable books. Young Authors ran for about four hours and overall it was a great experience. We also had the opportunity to hear Ben Hatke speak, which was really cool.

A Prescription for Happy

I. am. blessed.

That's all.

Beautiful Things

My heart is overwhelmed...with love, with joy, and with a little bit of sadness.

In the past two weeks I have had the chance to spend nearly 12 hours with the Roseland kids. I have been there for a few meltdowns, homework time, lots of laughter, many hugs, hair-braiding sessions, and so much more. 

One of the things I love most about Roseland is that I get to go pour love out onto these children who are in such desperate need of it. Some of them come from homes that are in extreme poverty- or families with over twelve children. They come to Roseland and they get the one-on-one attention they are often in desperate need of. 

I have had the chance to really connect with about nine of the students at Roseland. Meaning- they love me. They shout my name when I walk in- they hug me- they complain when I have to leave. They talk with me about things on their mind and love to share stories with me about their lives. Some of them make me laugh till I cry. Others just make me want to cry.

I have come to love and care deeply about these kids, and I really love that God has chosen to use me in their lives- as well as use them in mine. Without knowing it these kids have gotten me through some pretty bad days- and I learn just as much from them as they do from me. 

I want each of these kids to have amazing futures. I want them to go on to be whatever they want to be- and I believe they can. One girl told me this week she wants to be a singer and then she sang for me in a back room. She was amazing! If given the chance, these kids could do so much. But I have often found myself wondering what their futures look like- or where they will be in ten years.

God made each and every one of those children in uniquely amazing and beautiful ways. They all have their own personalities, and it has been such a blessing to be able to get to know them in these past months. I can't wait to see how God continues to build these relationships over the next year.

Decisions...and realizations.

I give up! I failed my challenge to myself and am not going to complete the blog challenge. Ooops. (I'm really not that upset about it)

The next few weeks are filled with busy and exciting things. I just do not have the time to blog every day, so for now, I'm going to discontinue the blog challenge and maybe I'll pick it up and start over again over the summer. Hopefully. ;)

Anyways.

This week has been absolutely insane! I would say this has probably been the busiest week of my life, for this semester at least. I have averaged about four hours of sleep a night, and after a week it has definitely caught up to me! I can barely keep my eyes open, and it's only 2pm!

Despite the fact that this week has been beyond crazy, it has also been filled with many good things and many questions such as:

1) What is summer going to look like for me?
2) What is my church life going to look like for this summer?
3) Can I tackle two jobs and an eighteen credit semester in the fall?
4) Should I take a summer course?

I'm at a point where I have to make a lot of decisions- and if you know me at all, you know I am an awful decision maker.

I have to decide if I want to try and take a class over the summer...my hesitation with it is if I take the class I will be working 48 hours a week and then spending nine hours a week in class....that would mean three days a week I would literally be gone from 6am-9pm for five weeks, and I really don't know if that's worth it. I don't want to wear myself thin this summer but it would also be nice to get that class out of the way.

I really do not know what I am going to do about church this summer, and it has been wearing heavy on my heart these past weeks, mainly since spring break. Before coming to college I had some pretty remarkable friendships at church. I was blessed to be one of a group of six senior girls who were all very close and loved each other very much. Since going to college we have all kind of moved on- it really is not any ones fault and I think we all knew it would happen to some extent or another. When you are spread out all year long keeping up relationships is hard. But, out of all those girls, there was one  I felt especially close with. I really considered her to be one of my dearest friends, and all of a sudden last summer she wanted nothing to do with me and never gave me a reason. It was strange, and it kind of broke my heart . We hung out twice all summer long and I have only seen her three time since then. Not once was she excited to see me.  Part of that is because I think she is afraid of making people mad...part of it is something I've been told is unrelated and stupid. But I miss her lots, and I miss the rest of the girls too. My church now is almost painful to go to. Every time I have been home for church this school year I have gone home and cried. I think that if that doesn't change pretty quick once I'm home I'm definitely going to consider a new church. For now- I'm putting it in God's hands.

I also have some decisions to make about next year in these upcoming two or three weeks. On Thursday Kara asked me what I would think about taking a more active role in the partnership with Roseland. That would mean I would be stepping up from being a volunteer into a leadership position, and there is a chance I would be getting paid for it. 

She also asked me if I would be willing to be a regular babysitter for Chase next year. Basically, they do not want to put him in a daycare, so they want to have one or two students have a set babysitting schedule every week. (Of course I said yes)

My only hesitation is I do not want to over commit myself next year. If I took both of those jobs my schedule would look like this:

- an 18 credit semester
- a fifty hour aiding placement
- babysitting several days a week
- Roseland from 4pm-7pm three days a week

It would be crazy and I think I could do it, and I would LOVE it. But I also do not want to over commit and then end up being super stressed out. I think I am definitely going to talk with Kara further about the time commitment for each and then go from there. Right now I am leaning towards saying yes to both- but I do want to make sure I know what I am getting myself into.

But I am ridiculously excited all at the same time. I was telling Lette about it this morning and if I wouldn't have been trying to be calm I probably would have been jumping up and down. 

Also- realizations that came this week.

I am so completely totally ready for this year to be over.
I am so completely totally NOT ready for this year to be over.

We only have five weeks of school left. As Lori pointed out on her blog, only 39 days left here this semester. Right now, that thought makes me want to cry. Not because I have lots to do, but because I am so not ready to leave.

I don't know how in the world I'm going to leave Kaity! I know I'll see her over the summer, but I can't imagine my life without her in it on a semi-daily basis!

I do not know how I am going to leave the Roseland kiddos. Those kids have grown near and dear to my heart and I love them and the time I get to spend with them. I love the relationships I have formed with them and I have no idea how I am going to leave them at the end of the semester.

I have NO idea how I am going to say goodbye to Lette. No idea. (For those of you who don't know, Lette is going to Ecuador next semester..)

I know my heart will break when I have to say goodbye to my roommates...because it really will be goodbye.

I am not anywhere near ready to say goodbye to Kara and baby Chase...and while I know I'll see them at least once over the summer, it still is so not easy.

I suck at goodbyes; I hate them. And right now, the end of the year only holds goodbyes. And I am NOT in anyway ready for that.

There. Now you are all updated on what's been on my heart and mind this week.