Life

This past week and a half has been completely, totally, crazy. Let's recap:

Last week was the amazing Caroline's 20th birthday! Yippeee! Hours were spent planning, kindnapping, decorating, and celebrating her wonderfulness. 

Here she is with her blindfold on

Group of girls celebrating at The Plush Horse

It was a fun filled 3 days of prep and celebrating. I can honestly say I think we really succeeded in surprising her and making her feel special for her 20th! She is so special herself and she definitely deserved a day to be spoiled and loved on because she loves on us so much and does so much for me and all of her girls.

After that, there was the constant homework that attacked me. I have several huge projects due this week, so that's been a bit stressful. Trying to figure out how to manage my time wisely has been a struggle for me so far this semester.

I think the biggest struggle this past week has just been keeping my emotions in check. Everything has been so up in the air and crazy- my roommate is "going out" with the guy liked for the past 9 months- people have turned out to be different then I thought they were, feelings have been hurt, things said and done, and it's just been crazy roller coaster ride that I am more then ready to get off of. The bad part about this is I've pushed it all aside and haven't dealt with it like I should have. I really didn't even realize how poorly I was doing until talking with my family. Without even realizing it until days later, I had entered into survival mode..which scares me because it's just the beginning of the year.

Through it all though, I've also had the chance to really open up and talk about stuff with this amazing girl:

This is my RA, Lette. She is seriously one of the kindest, sweetest, most genuine people I have ever met. The love she has for God and her heart for Him is so evident in her life and the love she has for us girls is incredible. She is kind of like wonderwoman on steroids. She always has time for her girls and never makes us feel like we're not wanted even when she has tons of things she needs to be doing. She has been such an encouragement to me basically since we've been here. We had our first real conversation at desk one night and we just talked about God and life and classes and our families and just got to know eachother a little bit, which was so cool. That conversation was quickly followed by another, and another, and it's been so awesome to get to spend time with her. She's always there for us girls and she's been there for me to run to so many times already. She's such a blessing and God is really using her in my life.

She also has set an example not just for me but also for all the girls on our floor. She leads our floor Bible Study, which we've only had twice, but it's already incredible. I think God is going to do great things through this Bible Study. We're working through the book of Colossians, and one of the things Lette had us do was (she handed us printed out copies of Colossians 1) and she had us read through it together as a group, but then individually and underline and write all over the paper our thoughts, things that stuck out to us, and more. And then we shared some of those things. It was awesome. God is so good.

I feel like there's alot more I could update on, but sadly I have homework to do and almost 4 hours of class still to go tonight. I've also been told my blog posts are too long, so I'm gonna work on writing shorter posts. Love to all. Till next time.

This song has been quite meaningful to me this week. Something about it... If you're interested in a great band, listen to this song, then go look up Michael Henry and Justin Robinett. They do alot of really amazing covers- this song was originally done by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (They sing face down, which is another one of my favorite songs thanks to my roommate who went through a period where she played it all the time) But this song -points below- is amazing. Take a few minutes and listen. 

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Use me as you will

pull my strings just for a thrill

And I know, I'll be okay

Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I will be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven 

Move in, 1st week back at Trinity

Well ya'll, I'm back in the 708. This first week back at Trinity has been totally amazing, overwhelming, and so much more. Things are definitely already proving to be different this year-   different dorm, new people, new classes, and this semester will be a challenge, but in a good way I think. It's been good in the sense that I'm having fun being back with my girls but hard in the sense I've had to adjust to having people here that I struggle with having here, and sometimes adjusting hurts. But I'll talk about that in a few minutes. Before I get there, let me show you around my dorm. 

Our bedroom

My bed is the bottom one

my closet on the left and Ashley is on the right

can you guess which desk is mine?

our bathroom that is already eating things.So far i've lost a pair of earrings and my hairbrush. Which gives
me the excuse to loudly sing "Oh where is my hairbrush" every morning and annoy my roommates

our kitchen

roomies

Our room is huge and I love the fact that we now have 1) a microwave in our kitchen and 2) couches. There is something so awesome about being able to come in exhausted from rollerblading or from classes and just being able to plop down on the couch. It's so homey. 

Things are going pretty okay with the 5 of us. We have a new roommate, Ashley, and she fits right on in with us and it almost feels like she's never not been around. It's been hard at times and I've been worried that things are going to end up like the end of last year, but I've really just been trying to trust God with the whole thing and I've been spending as much time with them as I can and trying to deepen the relationships...Hopefully things will go well this year.

Classes are going well so far. This semester I feel like I'm a little in over my head. I'm taking 18 credits, which is normal, but all of my classes are super, super, super hard and come with a ton of work. I'm taking a technology in education class that is a class that tends to cause panic attacks, late night freak outs, and tears. (I haven't experienced it personally, but I've watched and seen girls who have taken it before me beat themselves up about this class) It's a ton of projects and work and I don't mind that too much, but I am worried about being able to keep up with it. I'm taking a intro to special ed class that already has me pulling my hair out. The prof in unorganized, and didn't even give us a syllabus to see when assignments are due and things like that. I think I'll like the class itself because I'm excited to learn about something that's actually in my major, but I am so not the type of person that does well when she doesn't know what's expected of her and what's due when. My philosophy class is going to be boring, but everyone that goes to Trinity who knows about that prof would agree. OH! And I'm taking sign language, which going into I had absolutely no idea how hard and how much work it would be. Learning a language in a semester is going to be so difficult, especially because I have to basically re learn how to speak. (Did you know that the deaf culture uses their eyes in order to show all kinds of things? neither did i.  Did you know American Sign Language is the third most widely used language in the United States? neither did I. ) But while yes it's going to be crazy, I am so excited! I have always wanted to learn sign, so this is perfect! 

Along with managing classes and roommates, I've also had to start to learn to adjust to having my brother's girlfriend here at Trinity with us this year. And I know it shouldn't be a problem, but I've actually had a really, really hard time with it. I feel like she's in my space, doing what I should be doing, hanging out with my friends, and I know it's kind of stupid, but I'm afraid people are going to like her more then they like me so I get really insecure about the whole thing. And she doesn't exactly help when she comments on my clothes, my looks, how I should be better then I am in some areas of my life that I happen to be struggling with right now. I feel like I'm in a constant competition with her here, and I hate that. I know it's a problem, but I just don't know how to change it.  I dont even know. It's hard for me to see people get annoyed with me, but then be fine with her. It's hard for me to let her in to this part of my life. It's something I've been struggling with and praying through with God, but that doesn't make it easy. 

But it's been fantastic being back with my girls. I didn't realize how much I missed Brittany, Abbey, Kaity, Cassandra, and Lori until we were all back together again. They fill my life with fun, laughter, craziness, love, and so much more. Each one of them is very special to me and I am so grateful God has blessed me with such amazing friends.

Well, that's about all that's going on here...I'll update more someday soon

LOTR

The kind of friend I strive to be.

I remember when I first watched the Lord of the Rings movies years and years ago I used to sit and wish I could be like Sam. Since then I've always tried to strive to be as great of a friend to my friends, especially those I feel I'm closest with, as Sam is to Frodo. Sam's love for Frodo and his loyalty to him is so incredible. We've been watching these movies again as a family this week and it was a good reminder for me. Be a good friend. I know there are times I fail miserably, but striving to be a good friend like this is a pretty good goal. Be positive. Love eachother. Our world would be a different place if everyone had a Sam. I've started up this page on Twitter this week, and it has seriously changed my whole outlook on life. The page is for people who struggle with certain things, and just this week I've talked to almost 30 girls and have reached over 100. So many of the girls I'm hearing from have been betrayed by their "best friend" or are bullied in school and at home, and are just depressed and hurting so deeply. I found myself thinking today what if they had a Sam. Better yet, what if they had God? I'm slowly working in my faith into my message and what I'm telling these girls. I'm hoping that they can find their "Sam" in God. I know so far at least one of the girls has accepted Christ and is spending time reading the bible online each day instead of dealing with her depression and pain in other ways. That's so cool. God changes lives. Just like He changed mine. 

Millie

This is a blog post I wrote last November...for those of you who remember it and don't want to reread it, just skip till after the picture. But you might have a better idea of what I'm talking about if you reread this paragraph really quick.

"Sometimes I find myself curling up and crying because I miss someone so much. Today it happened for the first time in a long time. I was going through pictures and videos till I found a video of a certain little girl singing Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway.” And my brain wasn’t ready for it. Before I knew it tears were running down my face as my heart ached for that little girl…. Millie holds a special spot in my heart. She was born when I hit a rough patch in my life, and I remember she was always able to cheer me up when I saw her. Even as a little baby. By the time Millie was old enough to recognize people, she would see me and instantly smile and hold her arms out for me to pick her up. She loved me, and I loved her. As she got older she became my little sidekick, rarely was I without her. She spent loads of time at my house and we would just hang out. She would color while I did my homework, or play with my hair, or entertain me with her countless stories. She would come running to the door as soon as she knew I was done with school and come running in with sparkling eyes ready to do whatever it is we were going to do. We played dress up, and I did her makeup. We did photoshoots. We spent countless afternoons curled up on the couch watching princess movies and then acting them out. As we both got older some things changed, but for the most part our relationship always stayed the same. We still spent hours a week together, and once I could drive she would tag along with me to the store or wherever I was going. I think it’s safe to say I spent more time with her then I did almost anyone else back then. She was just like a little sister.  We grew up together. We had a special bond, something you almost have to see in order to understand. We have our own special friendship- or as my mom puts it, “Millie’s complete and utter trust in Emily to catch her and spin her is such a lesson in true love. Their friendship has been a gift of God to all those who have been able to really observe it.”

Then Millie’s family moved away. They moved to MN, which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. After 6 years of spending at least 3 afternoons a week together she was moving somewhere where I realized it would be hard for me to even see her once a year. The days leading up to the move were full of a sadness I cant even begin to explain… The day of the actual move went better then I had expected. Millie spent the morning at our house and we made videos and danced and laughed. When we were called out of my room to say goodbye though the waterworks hit instantly. My family and the Sytsma family gathered around the car to pray and there wasn’t a single dry eye. I cried harder then then I think I ever have in front of people. After we prayed I picked millie up and carried her over to the car. Set her in her seat and kissed her goodbye. She cried and said she didn’t want to leave me. It was emotional. I felt empty once they left. The day slowly passed. My best friend came over to spend the night with me because she knew I would be hurting. It got better once Millie called me from the road and told me she loved me.

Since Millie moved we have kept in contact, talking at least once a week and sending letters back and forth. When she came to visit me this past summer we picked up exactly where we had left off. When she left it was just as emotional as the first time. We’ve continued to talk at least once a week. She’s still my Millie May and I’m still her Emmy. For the most part it has gotten significantly easier, yet there are those days like today when all I want is a hug from her and I end up missing her so much I get a stomachache and end up crying.

Millie will always be a huge part of my life. Her picture sits on my desk so it’s one of the first things I see each day. Her little letters brighten up my day and when we talk on the phone neither one of us ever wants to hang up. Our friendship has continued, and although we cant see each other as often as we would like, we both keep each other in our hearts. Sometimes when I talk to her it amazes me how much her little heart and mind remember, and it amazes me how sincere she is. She’ll start talking about things we did we when she was little, recalling memories perfectly, just as I remember them. Or like yesterday she’ll say, “Emmy, I miss you so much that it makes me sad. It sometimes makes my heart hurt. But I know you love me and so I’m okay.” to which I reply, “I feel the same way.” I know in my heart she’ll never forget me because our bond was so strong and special before she moved away. And that makes it so much easier for me to miss her, because I know she’s missing me too."

Yesterday my precious little Millie turned 8...I can't believe how big and beautiful she is. She's still the same little girl that use to run into my arms and beg me to play with her, and yet she has grown up so much. Her baby like features have faded, she's almost as tall as I am, and is full of life, joy, laughter and so much more. I was able to skype with her for the first time in over a year last Thursday and seeing her face brought tears to my eyes. Oh how I miss her so much. This week especially. I've longed to be able to spin her in circles and curl up on the couch to watch Tangled together. 

Millie is still completely irreplaceable. I spend hours with my new little neighbor girl and still it doesn't even begin to compare to my times spent with Millie. She is so incredibly special to me, and I miss her so much my heart is literally hurting for her.

I don't suppose I'll ever stop missing Millie. Just some weeks are much, much harder then others. Like this week. Even as I write this I have tears just streaming down my face that I can't seem to get under control. It's funny how one little girl can affect your life so much.

Life In General These Days

Hello all you people who read this blog.

Life lately has consisted of work, bike riding, helping take care of an injured brother, knitting, absolutely no sleep, and spending time with friends. Summer has absolutely flown by and I can't believe school starts two weeks from tomorrow! I'm actually almost completely ready to go back now, which is a big improvement from a week ago when the thought of going back typically ended with tears. I think that was mostly driven from the fact that I wasn't ready to say goodbye to my best friend quite yet, so every time I thought about leaving I got sad. But now that she's gone and back to school, I'm basically ready to go. I haven't packed even a little bit and have no plans of starting before next week. I still have to get a ton of stuff...if you know me at all you know that I like planning way in advance and pack super early for everything, so the fact I haven't started yet is pretty big for me. I'm also getting super super super excited to be back with all my girls at Trinity. I miss everyone so so much and am so excited to be able to hug everyone and catch up about summer and life. 

So I'll just update on the basic of life right now..or maybe like this past week.

This week I've worked a ton! Sometimes I feel like all I do is work. I even ended up babysitting on my day off this week. Which I don't really mind, but sometimes when things are just back to back to back I start getting a little crazy. And since things have basically been back to back to back all summer, I've picked up a new habit. Knitting. 

Knitting has kind of become my emotional release. When I'm stressed, I knit. When I'm upset, I knit. When I feel like nothing is going well, I knit. I knit when I don't know what to do, I knit when I'm watching a movie, I knit while I watch kids play in the yard, I knit while watching my brother play soccer, I knit in the car (when I'm not driving) I knit at 3am when the dog is keeping me up, or at 5am when I just can't sleep. It gives my hands something to do, and as long as my hands have something to do I feel like my mind calms down. It's basically my own personal in house therapy session that I can basically take anywhere with me. And I rarely go anywhere without it. Check my backpack or purse...it usually contains 3 things. Keys, wallet, and knitting needles.  I love it and it's so incredibly good for me. Which may seem silly, but believe me it's not.

So yeah. Don't be surprised or offended if you see me with knitting needles. It doesn't mean I'm not listening to you, because if anything, I'm more focused while I'm knitting. 

Woody had his 5th surgery this week. He tore his acl, again, and had to have surgery Wednesday. He's been in alot of pain and that first two days he was home he literally was either sleeping, crying, moaning, or just so out of it he didn't seem like a real person. It was horrible to watch and even harder to go through Im sure and then I felt bad for him. But at the same time now that he's doing better I'm ready for him to stop acting so entitled and bossing everyone around. Sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for him when a family friend's little girl just relapsed with AML or when one of my dearest friends spent most of her summer in the hospital. I need to be more sympathetic, I know. But sometimes I get frustrated with him.. (Wanna guess what I do when that happens? You guessed right. Knit.)

So yeah. I don't really know what else to update on at this point..plus dad is calling me to help him with something. So more soon! (I think)

Do you ever have those days or weeks where you realize just how much someone means to you? Whether it's a significant other, family member, or just a close friend? Do you have those moments where you just suddenly stop and think about how lucky you are to have such a person in your life? 

I'm having one of those weeks this week. Maybe because my two best friends are going to college next week. Maybe because I've just love spending time with them this past week. I don't know what's caused it exactly, all I know is it's been one of those weeks that I've realized how truly blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life.

But today in particular I've been extremely thankful for this girl:

For those of you who don't know her, this is Emily Koontz. If you don't know her, you've surely heard me talk about her.

Emily has been in my life basically since I can really remember well. We've known each other for some 5 or 6 years (we figured this out recently)  and I certainly cannot picture my life without her now.

Emily is seriously one of the most amazing girls I know. She's kind, funny, loyal, crazy, energetic, loving, and about a million other things. 

She has been a constant encouragement to me since we became friends. Never has there been a time where she's not been the best friend she could have been. She's always been there for me. She's always there to make me smile, laugh, talk, eat, or be serious when I need to be. I told someone recently Emily is kind of like part of my foundation- she helps me keep standing strong when I'm ready to fall down. 

She's also basically one of the cutest things ever, I mean, just look at her! :)

This week I've read alot through old diaries and stuff and looked through tons of old pictures, and I've realized just how special Emily is to me. Not that I haven't realized it before, because I have. Sometimes these things just hit you. From doing the plays together, to talking about boys..(well, she's listened while I've talked about my current crush and she's dealt with my crappy boyfriend choices in the past... I deserve a slap for that one), to swimming, camping, soccer (I've watched she's played) we've supported eachother and our friendship is just one of those I feel so blessed to have. 

God has seriously given me one of the best friends in the world. Emily is an amazing woman of God who encourages me in my walk with Him and in my life in general. I only hope I can be as a good of a friend to her as she's been to me...She's set the standard pretty freaking high! 

I am so blessed. Period. End of story. 

Surrender

I've discovered the secret to life. Are you ready for it?

Surrender.

The definition of the word surrender is: to yield (something) or to give over the power to another

I've struggled with surrendering since I can remember. I always worry about everything and like to have things in my own hands. I don't even like other people driving me around (Unless it's Caroline, because I trust her driving more then my own). 

I've been told ever since I was a little kid that we have to surrender our lives to God in order to truly live. At 5 I didn't understand that. At 10 I still wasn't positive what that meant. At 15 I ignored it, and now, almost at 20, I realize exactly what it means and why it is so incredibly important.

It's no secret I've struggled with relationships in the past. Whether that be relationships with friends or my parents, I've always struggled. I always worry about my friendships with people and think that one little mistake will screw things up and it's been a battle for me before in my life. I always ask people if they're mad at me- because I worry! It's just silly.

This summer has been a hard summer for one of my best friends and I. Somethings have been said and done that has left us barely talking. I'm not even sure what exactly happened. This is typically something that would literally drive me insane because when something is wrong I immediately enter "fix it mode" and if I can't fix it I get upset and I go crazy and drive everyone around me crazy too. This time, it's not like that.

From the very start of this summer when everything started going wrong I gave this relationship over to God. I wrote in my journal, "Lord, I am putting this relationship in your hands. Do with it as you will, and let your will be done. Keep my heart, mind and attitude in the right place and give me the strength to trust you with this and not spend my summer worrying." 

I don't think I believed at the time giving it over to God was gonna work.

It did.

I haven't been upset. I haven't been constantly worried about it. God has given me a peace about it that I know could only come from Him.  That's not to say I haven't had my moments where I've gotten frustrated, or angry, or upset about the whole situation, because I have. But they never last long. God reminds me He is in control and His will will be done and He has a plan, and I'm comforted and I'm okay. (But I'm still going to jump for joy when this whole situation works itself out)

Surrender...it's so key. It's the way to true peace.

That's just one example of what I've surrendered to God this summer. There's been so much more, and I've found that I am truly happier now then I have been in a very long time. 

God is good friends. He is so good. 

So what is something you need to give over to God these days? Maybe a friendship, maybe money problems, maybe family troubles, the list could go on forever. Surrendering isn't always going to be easy, but I think it's always going to be worth it. 

This song kinda goes with this blog post a little bit. It's one of my all time favorites. Give it a listen. 

Overcome

Watch these videos. Be prepared to cry. I did. But then again, I'm addicted to this song. This girl  has come through so much. 

One day I hope to be able to tell my story as freely as she does. Needless to say, this week I became a major Demi Lovato fan. 

I promise I'll update on my life soon. I could be making some pretty drastic changes in my life this weekend. So once I figure all that out, I'm sure there will be an update.