Well- That's a Wrap!

2013....What a year.

This year has brought many joys, many challenges, many heartaches, and many blessings. When I look back on this past year I can't help thinking about all the changes that occurred..some good, some bad. All according to God's plan.

Some of the major changes:

• My roommates: I went from rooming with Laura, Becca, Ashley, and KP to rooming with Melissa, Megan, Kylie, and Brittany. This change was heartbreaking back in March when I first found out about it (you can read about that here), but as it turns out, God had a plan. Melissa and Megan have been SO good for me. They love me exactly the way I am and allow me to be myself in a way I can't explain. Melissa brings out my crazy side, which few people can do. Megan helps to keep me calm and in focus. And they both make me laugh like crazy
• As a side note, I am still friends with Laura, Becca, Ashley, and Kp. We often have coffee dates and I am SO blessed by the times I get to share with them. They still hold incredibly special places in my heart and I don't know where I would be without them.
• My church: Since being at Liberty is often more painful than it should be, I have switched to Bethel Church in Crown Point. Since June I have only been to Liberty twice- both in this past month. I just can't worship at Liberty like I used to and so making the switch to Bethel was a refreshing one. I love Bethel- the worship, the sermons, and the people are so genuine and real that it leaves me feeling like I am closer to the Lord. I love it. My family is planning on making the switch over to Bethel next summer- I've just taken one step ahead of them.
• My family: This year has been a huge year of change for my family. We "lost" a member, but we also gained two new members:
• Anna- this girl is a blessing....(read more about Anna's transition into our family here) Our relationship is different than it was over the summer, and we don't talk or get together anywhere near as much as we used too...but I am still thankful for her and for the blessing she is.
• Molly- Molly fits in with our family in a way that few others do. She seems like she's been around forever, even though it's really only officially been 3 months. I am thankful for her and am enjoying getting to know her. 
• Myself- I think in the past few months I have seen a change in myself that has been the most sincere and real change that I've experienced since my junior year of high school. I'm happy. I'm growing. I'm flourishing. I'm conquering. I'm thriving. and even though life has taken its shots at me, I'm still here and am not about to let life keep me down. This is  a huge change from last year at this time...when I really just wanted to give up.

I am thankful for this year. And I am so excited for next year. Here's to continuing to grow and fall more in love with life and more importantly with the Lord. 

Deuces 2013. It's been good. 

The Elephant Rope

As a man was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.

He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. “Well,” trainer said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.”

The man was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn’t, they were stuck right where they were.

Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before?

Failure is part of learning; we should never give up the struggle in life.

http://academictips.org/blogs/the-elephant-rope/

I absolutely love this....why? Because I think EVERYONE can relate to it. What are you afraid to do, just because you failed once before? 

Don't give up. 

Finals Week...and Break Thus Far.

Holy cow! It's time to play a round of catch up!

It was brought to my attention the other day that it had been weeks since I wrote my last blog post. So now I am actually sitting down to take the time to write about what's been going on in my life as of late...I promise- you haven't missed anything exciting.

Finals week proved to be challenging- it wasn't so much that my finals themselves were challenging, but more that the week held many little battles to fight and mountains to climb that I wasn't quite expecting. Some of these included a general lack of sleep, being stressed due to the state of our room- it was a DISASTER, having to deal with multiple exploding diapers- and when I mean exploding, I mean literally ALL. OVER, having to figure out how to navigate finals week without my laptop, and just trying to manage every day life. It honestly wasn't that bad, but there were moments during the week that I just wanted to be home and away from Trinity. But there were also moments I wouldn't trade for the world- like being able to go ice skating with the Roseland kiddos.

Love this little one.

Kaitlin!

These sweet girls have taught me so much about true joy, love, patience, and perseverance. Their stories are incredible, and I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to pour into them. 

But then come Friday all of that stress simply vanished. I was finally able to say that I had conquered the semester and to celebrate I spent the day just relaxing...I went and got coffee with my dear Ashley and caught up on her life and caught her up on mine, I did some last minute Christmas shopping, and then spent the rest of the day with Chase while Kara caught up on some grad school work and checked out students.

Friday night I was literally one of the ONLY people in Tibstra Hall and so I spent the night watching Gilmore Girls, cleaning, wrapping presents, and thoroughly enjoying alone time. It was actually really good for me to be able to just spend time thinking, praying, and reflecting on the semester.

Saturday I kept Chase for the morning/early afternoon, meaning from 7am-2pm. It was really great to be able to spend that time with him while his mama was away. We also took some Christmas pictures.....

He knows when I say, "CHASE, SMILE BIG!" that he is supposed to look at me and smile. It's pretty adorable.

So. Sassy.

Pretty stinkin adorable he is.

Also on Saturday, LETTE CAME HOME!!! Words cannot possibly express the pure joy that filled my heart when I walked up the stairs to see her standing in Molly's room. I am entirely convinced that if I hadn't been holding Chase I would have been a bawling mess. It was so great to see her, to hug her, to be with her, and to hear her laugh. It almost felt like she had never left as we were all sitting on the floor together, talking, swapping stories, drinking tea and eating good food. It was wonderful.

But as amazing as it was to spend the day with Chase and to welcome Lette back, Saturday was also a day full of sadness.

I had to say goodbye to Roch.

I could have never been prepared for this, even though I knew it was coming. Rochelle has the incredible opportunity to study abroad next semester in Kenya. And though my heart is so excited for her to have that chance to impact the lives of the people in Kenya, my heart also is so deeply saddened by her leaving. I have never been at Trinity without Roch. Since freshman year she has been by my side, leading me, guiding me, caring for me, pouring into me, praying for me, tackling me, and challenging me to be a woman of God. Rochelle has had a HUGE impact on who I am today. I cannot imagine Trinity without her. Words cannot express how much I am going to miss her and the beautiful woman of God that she is.

After all of this, I was finally able to GO HOME.

Home is good. Really good.

Week one of break has truly been wonderful. Saturday night we hung out as a family, watched a movie, and just enjoyed being together. Molly was also with us, which just added to the fun.

Molly has now been with my family for periods of time over both Thanksgiving and Christmas break and through these visits I have definitely been able to get to know her more and the more I get to know her the more I am blessed by the beautiful woman of God that she is. It is so clear that she loves the Lord and that she cares deeply for my brother and even for my family. And she really is one of us. She fits in so well with my family, with how we work, and it really feels like she has been around forever. I think that's part of the reason I have been able to open up with her some these past few weeks. Her sweetness, gentleness, and joy are such a blessing to me and I am thankful for the friend/sister I have found in her. I hope that in these next weeks our friendship continues to grow.

Other highlights of break thus far...

• ELIM!!! On Wednesday I had the opportunity to go up to Elim for the whole day. It was SO good to be able to be there, with my kids and with Mrs. Ashley. My heart was filled with a joy I can't even explain the moment I walked into the building. I belong there. I just do. 

• EM! It has been so good to be back with my dear Emily. I have missed her so much this semester and it has been wonderful to be able to talk with her, catch up with her, laugh with her, and just be with her. Em and I are to the point where we can really do anything and have fun. I am so blessed to have her as my best friend.
• Hangout with Em, Nikki, Molly, and Caroline....On Thursday night all of these beautiful girls were at my house. I cannot even explain what a joy it was to have them all here. We had so much fun just talking, laughing, and being together. I've missed that. 

• Hanging out with Jacob! Oh how I have missed him! This week I was able to spend the afternoon with him, which hasn't happened since I left for college. It was great to be able to spend time with him doing crafts and laughing together.

• Babysitting Jack and Ava! This was also really the first time I got to spend solid time with these two crazies since I left back in August. It was sooooo fun to be there with them! Molly also came with me for the morning part, which was really fun. The kids loved her. 

And for now, I think that's a wrap! I have another post in mind, but you all are going to have to wait till tomorrow for that one.

Last Day of Teacher Aiding

Yesterday was my last day of teacher aiding. I tried to prepare myself for saying goodbye, because I knew it was going to be hard. And let's be real; no sane person should have so strong an attachment to a classroom that isn't even hers that she has to spend a week preparing herself for saying goodbye and then still ends up crying in the car on the drive home.

Then again, I've never been a sane person and I did have such a strong mental/emotional attachment to that classroom that I prepared myself to say goodbye for a week and still cried like a baby on the drive home. 

Emails like this didn't help my preparation process.

My aiding placement this semester has been the best I have had yet. This placement has challenged me, filled me with joy, and grown me in ways I didn't know were possible. The kids tested my limits on some days but on all days left my heart so full that it affected everything else I did that day. 

My first day of aiding I remember sitting in my car almost in tears because of how afraid I was. I was afraid I wasn't going to like being in a high school room. I was afraid that I was going to have to sit in the back and observe. I was afraid I wasn't going to get to interact with the kids at all. I was afraid that my teacher would view me as more of a bother then anything else. 

All of those fears were wiped away in that very first day at Elim. Mrs. Ashley quickly swooped me in and made it clear that after the first week she was going to "put me to work". And on that very first day, I was already interacting and talking with students. 

Over the course of the next two months I fell in love with those kids. Especially two kids in particular. We'll call them Dennis and Denise. These kids in a way almost became "mine", especially Dennis. Most of the students in the classroom had one-on-one aides. Dennis shared an aide with Denise and because of that they weren't getting the one-on-one attention the other students were getting. So Dennis kind of became my student. I worked with him from everything from gym, to working with him during recess, to reading the same baseball book to him every Friday during reading time, to dancing with him, to card making with him, to spending a half hour working on problem solving with him every Monday and Friday. It's safe to say that I got very attached to him, and he, probably even more so, got attached to me. 

Denise, while not to the extent that Dennis did, also became "mine". I spent less time with her, but the time that I did spend with her was beautiful. Denise held a special place in my heart because she reminded me so much of my dear Jacob. I loved getting her to laugh and smile and being able to spend time just talking with her. 

The rest of the students in the class also stole my heart. And while I spent most of my time with Dennis and Denise, I still made sure I was intentionally spending time with the other students as well. I had one girl I sat with at lunch, two girls I sat with during recess, and the other students I would talk to sporadically throughout the day. Sometimes it was hard to do so because the students had their aides with them all the time, but I did the best I could.

The staff in Mrs. Ashley's room was also incredible. They welcomed me in, embraced me, and thought of me as one of them. Mrs. M (one of the aides) actually told me at one point, "sometimes I forget to say hi to you when you come in because you're just one of the family now and you're just a part of us." Mrs. M was also probably my favorite aide. I spent a lot of time talking and laughing with her.

And then of course there was Mrs. Ashley. Mrs. Ashley was absolutely incredible. She was a phenomenal teacher and she set an excellent example for me while I was there. She made sure I was exposed to all kinds of different experiences, from working with the students all the way down to teaching me how to program the student's devices. She was always there to encourage me when I needed it-- from giving me mini pep talks to just saying a few words of encouragement like, "you're doing great, i promise" when I was doing something new for the first time. 

I can't even accurately express in words how much that class influenced me and how much I loved the staff and students. So come Friday, when it came time to say goodbye, I was an emotional wreck. Saying goodbye was really really really hard, and I'm not even going to blog about it because I'm not about to go off crying again. But I will tell you they made me this beautiful book full of pictures and notes from kids and staff. 

I haven't been able to look through it without crying yet.

The Lord really really blessed me with this placement. Words can never express how thankful I am for the opportunity I had to work in Mrs. Ashley's class. I'm going to miss them like crazy. 

A Week of Pure Craziness

This week has been completely insane. And before I tell you about it, let me start you off with a visual. Because believe me, it's important.

This week in our room we tracked how much sleep we got. So between Saturday night and today, this is how much sleep we all have gotten. See my name and that lovely 21 hours? That comes out to 3.5 hours a night for six nights. I'm used to four and a half hours a night. That's really good for me. I didn't realize how different 3.5 hours a night and 4.5 hours a night were. You would think it isn't a big deal, but holy cow. By the time today rolled around I was dead. I think the fact that I was sick just added to the mess of tiredness. 

This week, commonly referred to as "dead week" was absolutely insane for me. I had so many projects, papers, and assignments due that I literally was either in class or doing homework all day every day. Usually in the library, locked away from the rest of the world. Lucky for me, other girls were also locked in the library. So we were at least suffering together. And we occasionally had a study break here or there. ;)

But, I made it through with the support of my beautiful roommates and some of my dearest friends. And of course the cutest brother ever.

Shout out to Megan, Melissa, Molly, and Caroline. You girls got me through this week. For reals. 

I also got to spend a little bit of time with the little man, which was fabulous. 

and I got a postcard from this beautiful lady

and a snapchat from both Lette and Abby.

Today was also my last day of teacher aiding at Elim. This deserves a post in itself- so you all are going to have to wait till tomorrow to hear about that. 

And now, I am going to bed. For the first time before midnight since last Wednesday. Here's to at least 8 hours of sleep. 

"Her hair is up....RUNN"

For those of you who know me well, you know that I never put my hair up unless I am unbelievably desperate. If you want to know why I always have my hair down, ask Alyssa Slinkman. Somehow, with this, she can explain my thought process better than I can. 

So today, I was getting to the point where I was on the verge of breaking. And the hair went up.

My roommates were warned at the beginning of the year that if my hair is up I am unbelievably stressed and they should probably just avoid me until it comes back down. This morning, within ten minutes of putting my hair up, Megan walked into the living room and exclaimed, "Oh no! Your hair is up!" and quickly exited the room.

Ten minutes later, Melissa walked in, saw my hair, looked at me wide eyed, and after a moment exclaimed, "RUUUUNNNN!" Somehow, I think she knew I needed that. Because after I went into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Melissa is really good at getting me out of a funk, without even knowing it. That girl is a blessing, for sure. 

These last two weeks have been incredibly challenging...I have been stretched, I've been broken, I've been bruised, I've fallen and failed, and then been challenged to get back up. Right now I have a lot of people depending on me to be the strong one and in a lot of ways that is so good for me. It forces me to be collected and it forces me to get back up when I fall. But sometimes, it is really hard to be the one that needs to be strong. Because then you aren't supported. And sometimes you need support too. 

But I am thankful for those who have made life a little easier.

I'm thankful for Chase, who somehow knows when I just need him to sit on my lap and cuddle with me.

I'm thankful for Azariyah and Lenora, who filled my heart with joy on Tuesday night. 

I'm thankful for Caroline, who let me sit at desk and chat with her on Tuesday night.

I'm thankful for Kara, who knows me so well she knows when something is wrong with one look at me. 

I'm thankful for Molly, who lets me come and sit at desk with her without making me talk to her about what's going on.

And I'm thankful for Roch, who picks on me in the most inappropriate ways in the most inappropriately perfect times.

And I'm thankful for this kid, who never fails to make me laugh when I need it. 

Yet Another Song....

And this is the last one I'll post before I write an actual post. :)

You will find HIm here...

Another song that has really been speaking to my heart this week. 

Come and rest here

Come and lay your burdens down

Come and rest here

There is refuge for you now

You'll find his peace

and know you're not alone anymore

He is near

You'll find his healing

Your heart isn't shattered anymore

He is here

Breathe in

Breathe out

You will

You will find Him here

I will rest in you (5x)

Breathe in

Breathe out

You will

You will find Him here

You will find Him

You will find Him here 

You will find Him

You will find Him here

Who am I?

I have been asking myself that question a lot this week. For good reason. Because sometimes, I get so wrapped up in who people want me to be, I forget who I am. 

I am:

• A daughter of the awesome, almighty, holy, righteous and perfect God who sent His Son to die a horrible death on a cross because of His incredible love for me. Sometimes I can't wrap my mind around that.
• A daughter of two wonderful parents who I am blessed by on a daily basis.
• The sister of two incredible younger brothers who so often remind me that I am worthy of love and who are constantly watching out for and protecting me.
• A friend to the amazing friends that I have. I am so thankful for each and every one of my friends that pours into me, that allows me to pour into them, and that have stuck by my side, even when things are rough.
• An encourager to those who need support (or I try to be)
• A future special education teacher who is so in love with children who have special needs that it is probably unhealthy.
• An "unofficial official babysitter" to a beautiful little boy who constantly fills my life with joy.
• A Tibster- and proud of it.

This week I really felt like a failure. I felt like I had let Kara down, like I had let people at home down, that I had let people here down, and most of all like I had let myself down. It was really easy for me to sit back and think about all the negative things I am. But the fact of the matter is that God loves me and he made me the way I am. He allows me to struggle with the things I do because He knows it brings me to my knees at His throne. He allows me to break into pieces so that He can be the one to put me back together. Sometimes, I feel like I am a broken chair. Chairs are meant to be a support- they are meant to hold you up so you don't fall on the ground. I felt like a broken chair this week. I was trying to support people, but the pieces holding me together were falling apart. And when I fell apart, it wasn't pretty. I was rusted, my screws were falling out, and I felt lost.

Then God came, the true Master Craftsman, and He saw me in my broken and useless state and He picked me up and comforted me, polished me, and made me whole again. It wasn't easy; some of the things He had to do to put those screws back in were painful. But here I am. Whole in Christ, back to doing what I love to do, and right now, I am overjoyed. I am content. I am happy.

Someone, pointedly, said this week, "God is still working in people, even if they can't see it." While it wasn't said directly to me, I could tell it was meant for me to hear. I couldn't even, at that time, raise my eyes to look at the speaker because I was so full of shame and fear and hurt. Turns out it's true. God is still working and He uses our brokenness to speak directly into other people's lives. He puts our pieces back together and He does what He wants with our lives. 

So who am I?

I am a daughter of Christ who has been saved, loved, cared for, broken, put back together, polished, and molded into exactly who He wants me to be. And if I am being who He wants me to be, I am who I want to be.

3 Minute Blog Post

I have allotted myself 3 minnutes to type this post. Let's see how much I can cover.

Obviously, I have beyond failed at the thankfulness posts. I had no idea at the beginning of last week how crazy it would be. I cried every day out of exhaustion, stress, and frustration (Thank you, Lori, for being there for me to run to and cry with. And then for gently making me get back up and keep working). But, in the midst of the craziness of last week, several good things happened as well:

- I spent time with my beautiful little Azariyah.
- I had time with Kara, JUST US, for the first time in months
- I received notes from people who knew I was struggling
- Teacher aiding Friday was a blast
- I spent quality time with Maxwell...just us. 
- I played a game of Mao with my family that left me in tears because I was laughing SO hard 

The Lord really gave me the encouragement I needed when I needed it, and I am so thankful for each and every one of you who helped get me through last week. I appreciate you all more then you know.