Refuge

"I'm finding myself, at a loss for words. And the funny thing is, it's okay.

The last thing I need, is to be heard. But to hear, what you would say. 

Word of God speak

Would you pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see your majesty 

To be still and know, that you're in this place

Please let me stay and rest, in your holiness, word of God speak. 

I'm finding myself in the midst of you, beyond the music, beyond the noise

ALL that I need is to be with you,

And in the quiet, hear your voice. 

Word of God speak, would you pour down like rain. Washing my eyes to see, your majesty

 To be still and know, you're in this place 

 Please let me stay and rest in your holiness

Word of God speak. 

I'm finding myself, at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, it's okay. 

Amen

This week my heart has been so encouraged by those around me. Let me tell you why.

(Warning. Usually I try to make my blog a little more eloquent and interesting. Today, I really just don't care, so you are getting the straight up facts of life this week) :)

I've been pretty open on this blog with how I am doing with adjusting back to life at Trinity. It hasn't always been easy; it's been a journey that has been at times steep and narrow, but it is a journey that I am seeing has always been good. 

I shared with you all on Monday how some of the things I was struggling with were feeling like I was not feeling loved and cared about here...things that I know are lies from the enemy. 

And I also shared with you how I prayed that the Lord would reveal Himself to me more this week and that He would show me that He has not left or forgotten about me. And I asked Him to show me I am loved. 

He didn't have to answer that prayer. But He did. In incredible and beautiful ways. 

Monday night I hung out with Kara and her apartment. Just talking and helping her make dinner. One of the best parts about that was that Kara was very intentional about spending time with me and took the time to text me and tell me to come hang out with her. It was amazing and I am so thankful for that time we had. Becca and I also hung out and made cookies together. It was awesome to get to catch up with her.

Tuesday was a bit of a rough day. Classes were rough and I was exhausted. I couldn't wait to go to Roseland and see my kids...I got there only to find out within a few minutes of being there that one of my little girls had moved and is no longer in the program. I didn't even get to say goodbye to her.

That was really, really hard. My prayer is that Lenora is in a safer neighborhood now. This little girl touched my life and my heart, and I will continue to pray for her and I will continue to pray that the Lord draws her to Himself. 

After coming home from Roseland I spent some time on the phone with Anna, just talking through some really hard life stuff that I really would have rather ignored. While I was talking with her I got a text from Kara asking me to come watch Chase while she went to an event we had on campus. The timing was kind of poor- I had been crying on the phone and I'm sure I looked like a wreck walking into her apartment. 

Being with Chase then was really good for me. It was good to sit and play with him. It was good to cuddle with him on the couch and sing him to sleep.  I love that little boy like my own brother.

When Kara came back she immediately walked into the room and sat down next to me and gave me what I call her, "tell me what's on your heart" look. And when I didn't, she asked what was going on and it turned into a conversation that lasted over an hour in which walls were broken down that I didn't even know were there. 

Me- "No, I refuse to cry."
Kara- "Two words- Jesus Wept."

 I was able to talk freely with Kara about what was going on without any fear of what she would think. And in the end she was able to say out loud exactly what I was feeling, even though I couldn't bring myself to say it. It amazes me how well Kara knows me, knows how to get to my heart, knows how to help me work through it and then knows how to get me to get up and move forward. She tells me it's "spirit speaking to spirit, heart speaking to heart." Sometimes I wonder what that fully means. But I left that conversation feeling very encouraged and loved. 

On Wednesday Kara followed up with our Tuesday conversation and ended up sitting with me in my apartment for about a half hour just talking. Again, I left the conversation with a heart full of hope and feeling very encouraged. 

Thursday night about 20 girls from Third Tib gathered in Kara's apartment because she had invited us down to enjoy some goodies she had so graciously made for us. It was so much fun to be able to fellowship with other women from the floor and was all around just a beautiful time together.  Several hours later I went down to desk with the intention of visiting with Molly, but ended up sitting on the lobby floor with Kara showing her pictures of Woody and I growing up and looking at hippos. (Can I mention again it is a good thing I know Kara will never judge me?) 

And then came Saturday..which was yesterday. Yesterday was a day full of homework and a day full of fun and joy as well. Around 1:30pm my dear Lori came over to hang out and do homework, and we were shortly joined by Kaity, who I hadn't seen in 10 days (if you know us at all, that's something of a record for when we are at school).  And though we were doing homework, the time was full of laughter and there was a joy in my heart that I cannot even describe. Around 4:30 we took a homework break and hit up the Trin Trail and spent some time outdoors because we were ALL totally in love with the fall weather. It was so fun to be outside enjoying God's beautiful creation with some of my favorite people.

After we walked on the Trin Trail we went to dinner and then Lori and I headed back to Tib while Kaity and Abby headed back to Alumni.  Somewhat randomly Lori and I ended up sitting at a picnic bench between Tib and the cafe just talking about life. I've discovered that some of my favorite conversations with Lori end up being ones that are not planned and just kind of happen on their own. We ended up sitting outside for almost an hour just talking through some things together and it was such a beautiful time. I loved it. I love my heart-to-hearts with Lori and they always leave me feeling encouraged.

Lori and I continued homeworking until 7:30pm and then joined back up with Kaity, Abby, and Rachel to go to Plush Horse where we all got some amazingly delicious ice cream and just enjoyed time together.

The night ended with a phone call from my dear Anna in which another heart-to-heart was had. We talked for over an hour and it was a beautiful way to end a beautiful day.

God is faithful to answer our prayers and to give us everything we need. And this week He showed me how not alone I am and how loved and cared for I am. I am so blessed.

The Lord Answers Prayers

Two blog posts in one day? Then this post must be important. 

This morning at 6am I was on my couch sobbing. I felt alone and scared, and wanted nothing more then to be back home.

And so I prayed. I prayed that the Lord would come and comfort me and I prayed He would remove the lies I was hearing from my head. Lies such as:

• You are alone
• You are not loved here
• You are not cared about
• You are not important

and so on. I wrote in my last blog post I was struggling with feeling alone. I was struggling with feeling like I wasn't loved or wanted. I knew those were lies from the enemy and so I prayed that the Lord would show me that and that I would have the energy and that He would give me the ability to make sure the enemy knows he has no power over me or in my life.

The Lord answered my prayers in ways I can't even explain. 

First, around 5pm I received a text message from Kara inviting me down to her apartment to spend time with her while she made dinner for the RAs for their staff meeting at 6:30. Not a text to come help with Chase, but to come down and hang out. At the time I got the text I was hurting, a lot. Wanting to be home, wanting to be with my family, just hurting. And so the timing was perfect, but then again the Lord's timing always is, and so I went down to her apartment.

And it was wonderful.

I sat on the floor and played with Chase for a while, but spent a lot of time just talking with her, asking her questions such as "what's your favorite bible verse?" and what not. Just spending time visiting with her....which was absolutely fantastic. Then I got to help her make dinner, meaning, I basically just stood by her stirring the eggs as she flipped french toast and Chase played in the hallway with a few of his friends from 2nd Tib. Let me tell you, there is something particularly special about working alongside someone. It makes things comfortable and easy, and I loved getting to spend that time with her.

I think it meant the most though that she invited me down. She took the time to text me and made sure I knew I was wanted down there and then welcomed me in and spent time pouring into me and making me feel very loved and cared about. I left there with a renewed sense of energy.

Then I hung out with Becca. We made cookies and just spent time laughing, talking, catching up and having fun. It was so good to talk with her and hear about how her heart is and how her classes are, her internship, and just her life in general. It was so good. And surprisingly not that hard. I loved that she took time out of her crazy insane schedule to hang out with me, and it meant so much to me and encouraged my heart. Stay tuned for pictures :)

Basically, the Lord showed me tonight how I am truly loved. And that He is always going to give me what I need.

I am blessed. I am happy.

http://avodahcoffee.com/2012/06/my-cup-overflows/

Amazing Weekend Recap and the Heartache that came with It.

As I knew it would be, freaking awesome Friday was...freaking awesome.

Hanging out with Alyssa at Lake Katherine was easily one of my favorite things that has happened so far this year. It was soooo good to be able to sit down and catch up and hear how her heart was doing and how she was doing. It gave me an idea of how to better serve and support her, and I love it. I am so thankful for that girl and for the blessing she is. 

Then hanging out with Kara was also fun. It was not all I had hoped it would be due to baby Chase being in a bad mood, but it was still nice to be able to spend some time with her. We just went for a walk around the block. It was nice. Needed. I am thankful for Kara and the amazing person she is.

Then literally immediately after saying goodbye to Kara I hit the road to try and make it back for my brother's soccer game, which I missed entirely. Oh well. I did get to see some of the team though before they left, which was really nice. And of course I got to tackle my brother. 

Max absolutely amazes me.. The way he is growing into the young man he is quickly becoming is incredible to see. His love for people, his heart for his family, and his love and care for me is enough to make me fall on my knees before the Lord and thank Him for blessing me with such an amazing kid brother. Max and I definitely bonded this weekend. I am so thankful for his picking on me (even if I pretend to be very very annoyed) and for his being there for me when things were rough. I love that kid. 

I also got to see Anna, who also missed the entire game. It was so fantastic to be able to spend time talking with Anna, sharing my heart with her and listening to her share her heart with me. We laughed a crazy insane amount, cried together, went for walks, threw frisbees in the yard, prayed and read our bibles together, talked in silly accents, and in all just very much enjoyed being together. From the time I got home( or to the soccer field Friday night) till Sunday morning after church the longest Anna and I were apart was maybe 15 minutes max. Sunday afternoon she had to go spend time with her brother, but then was back at my house again for the evening. I am so thankful for all the time I got to spend with her. What a blessing this girl is.

As you can imagine, it was incredibly hard to leave.

I cried the whole drive back to Trinity. I cried when my roommates went to sleep. I just cried. 

I know part of that was because I was missing home. Part of it was realizing it would be a month and a half before I would see Anna again. Part of it was my really just not wanting to be back at school. I'm struggling here. More so than I have been willing to admit to anyone until this weekend. I very much feel alone here- and I know I'm not, but it feels like it sometimes. It's definitely something I'm working through.

I'm thankful that today I got to come back and spend a good chunk of the morning with Chase. It's so easy to be happy when he is around and he really just makes my heart feel much better.

Bottom line is? I'm blessed. At home. Here at Trinity. I'm blessed. And I'm thankful I am where I am. Sometimes it is just a little harder then other times.  

Freaking Awesome Friday

Okay people. I would just like to share with you a moment about my day tomorrow. Because it is basically, in a nutshell,  FREAKING AWESOME FRIDAY!

• 6am- Up and spend time with the Lord. Could there be any better way to start the day?! I think not.
• 8am- Roomie breakfast! I am all for the roommate bonding!
• 9am- Physics. Not so awesome, but we will ignore that.
• 10am- Chapel date with Kaity AND Molly is speaking. Perf.
• 11am- Class with my dearest friends, so it is therefore enjoyable.
• 12pm- Lake Katherine Date with Alyssa. I am SO pumped to spend time with her!!!
• 4pm- Date with Kara (FINALLY!!!!!!!!) What an answer to a prayer I have been praying since arriving at Trinity.
• 5:15pm- Head home
• 6pm- Arrive at Victory
• 6:02pm- Attack Anna into the biggest. hug. ever. :)
• 6:03pm-7pm- watch my brother be a beast at his soccer game
• ALL NIGHT LONG- Sleepover with my Anna

Can you say that tomorrow is FREAKING AWESOME FRIDAY?! I. am. pumped. So many awesome things are happening. Expect a full recap soon :) 

For the Weary

It seems that the pretty common theme running around campus right now is weariness. Everyone is tired and becoming overwhelmed by the homework and is stressed out by everything they have to do. My prayer is that right now as we struggle together that we pray to the Lord for our strength and trust Him above all else.  

Philippians 4:13

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Psalm 119:28

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

Ephesians 6:10

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.

Isaiah 40:31

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint

Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 28:7-8

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.  The LORD is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.

Isaiah 33:2

O LORD, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.

Habakkuk 3:19

The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.

Ephesians 3:16

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being.

Beautiful Things

I never like to write a heavy post without posting something fun and wonderful immediately after or within the next 24 hours, and because my last post was a heavy one, here is the corresponding wonderful one. :)

**********excuse the fact that the pictures used in this post may be very outdated. New pictures will be taken this year. 

This past week I have had the opportunity to spend time with some absolutely amazing friends:

Kaity- I've gotten to spend a lot of quality time with Kaity, which means that basically we are together a lot, but most of the time we are together is spent studying. Which is fine, at least we are together. I really, really missed Kaity over the summer. As my best friend since freshmen year, we've grown together in a lot of ways these past two years and it is so nice to be back with her. Kaity understands me in a way few people do, and is one of those people that is able to get me to be my crazy self. I think a lot of that stems from the fact that I know no matter what Kaity would never judge me for what I do or what I say and I feel safe and comfortable with her. What a blessing it is to have her in my life!

Lori and I have had the chance to hang out a lot in this past week and it has been so wonderful and good for my heart to spend time with her talking, sharing stories, laughing, writing notes and texts back and forth, and just being together. Last year Lori and I did not get to spend that much time together, and so being able to spend so much time with her now is wonderful. She is such a huge blessing and I am SO thankful for her and the friendship we share.

Brittany- I've also gotten to spend a little bit of time with Brittany, who I also missed terribly over the summer. Since she doesn't live on campus, it's been a little bit harder to see her, but it makes the times that we do get to hang out so much more special. I love our times together and am looking forward to more of them in the future! 

Ashley....Turns out that Ashley and I get along a whole lot better when we aren't rooming together. I've had the chance to have several conversations with her, all of which have been quality conversations and and very appreciated ones. Ashley is an RA this year, and I think she is doing a pretty fabulous job so far!

Caroline- I've been seeing this girl around more and more lately, and I love it. I missed her craziness while she was off learning a ton at Mayo this summer. She's also practically brilliant. Last night I went up and down the hall trying to find someone to help me with my biology homework that was very poorly explained. Who was able to explain it and help me figure it out? Caroline. We might have filled the whole thing out and then second guessed ourselves, but I think we ended up with the right answers in the end. 

Baby Chase- baby Chase and I have spent some quality time together this past week! I love having his little face around and being able to laugh and be silly with him. I think all college dorms should require their director to have a child (or a puppy). It's seriously therapeutic. 

Molly- I've also had the opportunity to get to know my RA, Molly, a little bit this past week. On Friday we went to Lake Katherine and spent some time just getting to know one another and talking about the Lord, which was awesome. Molly definitely loves the Lord a lot and has a desire to serve Him, and I am really excited to see what the Lord does in our friendship. 

Rochelle- There are no words. I am so thankful for Roch and her consistency to love me in the most strange and unusual ways. :)

Basically what I am trying to say is that holy hippos am I blessed. I have some pretty freaking amazing people in my life and God is using each and every one of them to teach me more about Himself and I love it. He is also using each of them to make me feel much more at home here, and that has been so needed and appreciated. Trinity really is becoming my home again, and I am so thankful for that. What a blessing it is to be a part of this campus and to have all these amazing people, and so many more, in my life. 

"SEE ME!"

"SEE me! LOOK at me! Why don't you SEE?!"

This is basically exactly what ran through my mind this week.

This week I have had several different conversations with people about Woody living in Tibstra. That is not unusual; I am blessed to have several people in my life who are constantly reminding me that God's plans are greater than our own and that Woody is in Tib for a reason. Sometimes I need that.

The first conversation that struck this particular series of conversations however, was when I came to the realization that Woody was going to be involved with Roseland this year.

I was sitting in a meeting with Kara, Octavia (the Roseland leader), Tabitha (our amazing community partnership director), Josh (my coworker) and Heather (other coworker). We had been talking about plans for the Roseland kids and Kara said something about talking to "her RAs" about getting involved.

It felt like someone had taken a knife and stabbed it right into my stomach.

And when I think about it, I really shouldn't have been as surprised as I was. Last year the Tibstra RAs (Lette, Lisa, and Josh) were very actively involved with Roseland. It was part of their jobs as RAs to be there when the Roseland kids came to Trinity and it was part of their job to be around. I just never made the connection that as a Tibstra Hall RA, Woody would be assuming that role.

The second conversation was with my wonderful Anna, who is so consistent in speaking truth over my life. I basically just told her my concerns about Woody and Roseland, which turned into concerns about Woody in general. 

The third conversation was with Kara and Woody. I had finally gotten the chance to talk with Kara for a few minutes, which was so nice and needed. I've really missed being able to talk with her and so even having just a few minutes to spend with her was really encouraging. She's really an amazing woman and such an example for me, and as Lori said in her blog, Kara often deserves the "person of the week award." Anyways, we were talking about Roseland when Woody walked up and Kara asked him if he had ever been to Roseland etc. I looked at Kara and basically begged her to recognize that this is something I'm struggling with. After last year I know that Kara knows me well enough to know that I struggle with major inferiority issues when it comes to Woody, so I think it bothered me she didn't make that connection. 

And the fourth conversation was with Rochelle, when I poured my heart out to hear about how I was struggling with feeling ignored by someone who I desperately want/need to SEE me. Which goes back to our human nature, we want to be seen.  As selfish as it is, we want to be seen and acknowledged. And for whatever reason, it is very very important to me that said person take the time to seek me out and acknowledge me. I think I need that in order to be okay with Woody being here. And so far, it hasn't happened. And I'm not sure it will. And it makes my stomach hurt to think about it. 

And so what have I done?

I've prayed. A lot. I've prayed for the Lord to come in and heal my heart and keep me focused on Him above all else.  I don't want to give the enemy anything that could keep me from growing in my relationship with the Lord and while this is something I struggle a lot with, I know that I absolutely have to keep my focus on the Lord and speak truth when the lies and temptations come. He wants all of me, all of the time, and I want Him to have me all of the time. And so it is a daily surrender to Him. And while it might take something along the lines of a red sea miracle for me to be completely okay with Woody being in Tib, every time I see him in Tib, with Chase, or with Kara, I stop myself and make sure I speak truth over the situation. That has been really helpful. And I'm still struggling, obviously. But it's getting easier. 

And yes, I know it is really selfish of me to not really want Woody in Tib and to want Roseland to be "my thing." I think a lot of that comes out of the fact that I am in a leadership position at Roseland and I really want to thrive at it, and usually when Woody and I do the same things he assumes leadership and I just shrivel up. I think I might be more okay with it once I am fully comfortable with my role and confident in my own abilities. But for now, it's something I struggle with and have to continuously pray for the Lord's comfort and for His guidance. And I know that God has great plans for Woody here, and as long as I remember that, I'm okay. Because it is ALL about HIM (God) and what brings HIM glory all the time. 

And these songs have been really meaningful to me as I have worked through this in the past week. So you should listen to them. They're good :)

Back at Roseland

Two posts in one day! I know, crazy!! Look at me and my bad self... blogging away like a boss. Okay. Maybe not. But you should watch this clip because it's funny and only 15 seconds long.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J27mHpL5LT0

Anywhoooo.

Today was the first day Josh, Heather, and I headed back to Roseland.

It was better than I could have imagined.

First of all, the car ride there was so so fun. Josh and I kept laughing at each other and making jokes. It was great. We work really well together. I'm oddly comfortable around him, and I love it. 

Second of all, Azariyah made my whole week. I walked in the room and she looked at me, did a double take, and then just full out ran to me and wrapped her arms around my legs and literally held onto me almost the entire time we were there. It was precious. Beyond precious. That gave me motivation to be here and not home right now. And I so needed it. The other kids were great too. I got attacked by several of the middle school girls, which was also fantastic. It's so great to see the results of how much I poured into those girls last year and I am excited for the chance to continue to pour into them this year.

Third, the actual Roseland team is amazing. I had forgotten how much so. I am so excited to get to know all of the people there better this year as I step into this position. It will be great, and I am so excited for the challenge. :)

And yeah. My heart is rejoicing tonight. All the glory to the One who gives me everything I need when I need it.

Philippians 4:19- And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Quick Updates:

Here's just a short update on how things are going.

• Roommates- I am excited to get to know these girls. I know I was put with them for a specific reason even if that is just to love them and show them Christ. So here I am. It hasn't been easy. But my prayer right now is that I show them the love of Christ above all else.
• Classes- In full swing and crazy! I ended up signing up for 7 classes, accidentally, so I'm taking more credits then I think I probably should be taking right now. Oops. Needless to say I spent a solid eight hours on homework Saturday and I am still not even close to being done! But I think I will like all my classes but one, so for now that is encouraging.
• Baby Chase- I haven't officially started watching him regularly yet, but Kara has my schedule and should be letting me know what days/times she wants me babysitting on a regular basis. I am excited to get to spend time with the little man. Something I am struggling with when it comes to Kara and Chase is that I really want Kara to know that I don't just come see her so I can see Chase- I want to spend time with her.  I don't know that she realizes that, so I've made it a goal of mine to make it clear. That's another topic though.
• Roseland- STARTS TODAY!!!!!! Can I say I am flipping excited? I cannot wait to be back with all of my kiddos! I might cry. I've missed them so much! And like I said a few months ago I am taking a leadership position with Roseland this year and am actually going to be driving vans and getting paid for what I am doing. I found out this week that I am actually splitting the position with another girl, which initially really frustrated me. I think I felt like I had earned the work study position because last year I was so committed to going to Roseland for 9 hours every week and working there with the kids and so when Kara told me the position was split between me and a girl who didn't go much last year, I felt a little...I don't want to say betrayed, but definitely disappointed and frustrated. But then I just sat back and realized I have never gone to Roseland because I look at it as a job or as a way to make money. I go because I love the kids. I go because I want to share Christ with them. I go because I was called there. So does it matter if I'm getting paid? No. I'm doing what I love and what the Lord has called me to do. And that's what matters.

I hope everyone is well and that you are all feeling surrounded by Christ and his incredible love :)