Aching

Tonight, my heart is aching.

Aching for the life of little Zoe Lynn Carr. Aching for the Carr family. Aching for all the family and friends of the Carrs. Just, aching.

Friends of our family, the Carrs, recently adopted two little children from China- Zane and Zoe. Both are three years old and have special needs. 

Zoe had a heart condition- basically she had a hole in her heart and it was only functioning at 50%. Two weeks ago she underwent a major heart surgery to try and repair her heart- but it was unsuccessful. After fighting for many, many days- Jesus took little Zoe home to be with him last night. 

Please be praying for the Carr family in these next days. Pray for peace. Pray for understanding. Pray for comfort. Just..pray. 

THEY'RE HERE!

Around 7:45 tonight the Sytsma family arrived :) 

Here are a few pictures of some of the crazy kiddos and I :) Lets just say that reorganizing my room to live 3 people instead of one is now completely and totally worth it!

Stay tuned for posts on:

First day of working with Jenna- and all about her
Highlights from the Sytsma's being here
and life without my brothers who are on a week long camping trip in the Ozarks. 

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, less then 20 hours from now, the most exciting event of June is going to happen.

THE SYTSMA FAMILY IS COMING TO VISIT!

Holy freaking cow. I have waited nearly 7 months to see them again, and I really absolutely cannot wait! I can't wait to cuddle and share secrets with Millie May, chat late at night with Madeline, and be picked on by Eli and Liam! They are staying with us for 3 weeks and while our house may be cramped- it's going to be fantastic!

If You are Gonna be Sick...

You might as well:

• Do nothing besides watch Harry Potter all day long
• Drink as much sprite as your stomach will let you keep down
• Sleep at 2pm without shame
• Kindly take advantage of the fact that your little brother wants nothing more then to make you feel better. (Max can you change the movie? Can you xxxxxx?) I love him. so. much. 

Basically since early this morning I haven't been feeling well and then finally started throwing up around 1. Who knows what is going on. But I do know there is no place I would rather be sick then here. #blessed

Adoption

Disclaimer: I'm going to warn you ahead of time- this is going to be a strange post. 

For those of you who know me at all- you know that I love children.

For those of you who know me well- you know that I have a passion for children with special needs.

For those of you who know me very well- you know that since I was little I have wanted to adopt three little girls from China.

........and for those of you who don't know me at all- you are a creep and you shouldn't be reading this blog.

But whether you don't know me at all, know me, know me well, or know me very well- you are all now all aware of the three things listed above.

You could say that my passion for both children with special needs and adoption is God-given. I do not remember much about my childhood; I don't remember things that I said or things that were said to me unless they were life altering (She's moving in with us and she'll be here tomorrow), a major life lesson (Don't mix up baking powder with baking soda or an explosion could occur), funny (One-lane, one-lane!), or something I just took to heart (You are not your brother). But something I do clearly remember is constantly telling people I was going to be a special-ed teacher and I was going to adopt three little girls from China.

For now, I'm gonna talk a little bit about adoption.

Like I said, my passion for adoption is God-given. I have wanted to adopt from China literally since I can remember. I have a Chinese doll sitting in my room- get all sorts of newsletters from adoption agencies- follow blogs that talk about adoption- and have an adoption fund started.

A few years back I went through a period of time where I was very sick. I went through a lot before my doctor thought they had a diagnosis for what was wrong. Still to this day I don't know for absolute sure because that requires surgery, but assuming I have what they are thinking I have there is about a 3% chance I can have children of my own.

(See what I mean when I say my passion for adoption was God given?)

Obviously I don't know for sure, but I know that whatever happens will be in God's hands. But I really am thankful that he has placed the desire to adopt in my heart because I feel like as this becomes more of a real issue later in life it is going to help heal much heartache.

Anyways.

The last few months I have felt even more than usual this pull towards adoption. I don't know why- I'm not married and have no possible prospects in mind- but my yearning to adopt has only grown stronger in the past few months.

I am in no way ready to have children of my own; I am not ready to be a parent and I am not ready for the responsibility that comes along with a child. Honestly- I don't think I'll be ready for another 10+ years (which is probably good, since you have to be older then 30 to adopt from China). But, I'm also realizing that God is already, at 20, preparing me to bring home those little girls. This week I had the strangest conversation with a friend about this, in which I said something like "I didn't know it was possible to love a child that I don't even know yet." I think that holds a lot more truth than I even realized when I said it.

God is preparing my heart and my mind for a child He has in mind for me. He has already matched me to the child I will one day call my own; He is already preparing me to love that child in ways I can't even imagine right now. He is already having me fall in love with a child that I haven't even met yet and that more then likely isn't even born yet. I didn't know that was possible until these past few months. 

I know this sounds strange- I know I sound crazy- after all I'm only 20. But God is stirring in my heart- and that is exciting and completely scary all at the same time.

(Yes, I made that video)

Home- Where It Is and All That Comes With It

I can’t quite put my finger on how I am feeling these days. At times, I feel numb. And at times I feel like I am super excited about this summer and the opportunities I am going to have.

This week has been a week of adjusting- and adjusting is not something I am always good at. Almost two weeks ago I packed up Shelly (my car) and headed back to the 219 where I was greeted with hugs, smiles, excitement, and a whole lot of unpacking. But I still haven’t settled in and still don’t feel quite at home.

That’s probably because I’ve realized I don’t know if I will ever necessarily be completely home again. I don’t mean that I don’t have a home- because I certainly do; I mean that I’ve realized that home is always going to be changing from here on out. In the last two years home has changed significantly- it has gone from just being a little yellow house to a little yellow house and dorm buildings- from just my family to my family and my family at Trinity- from my basement to my basement and the classroom buildings on campus- from Lake George to Lake George and Lake Katherine.  And one day, hopefully, it will be all that and wherever I end up later in life. I’ve come to realize this week that I am blessed to have a home wherever it is I go. 

So I don’t know if I will ever feel completely settled or completely home here again, because I can never go back to who I was before I went to Trinity. I can never go back to the time when home meant only my family and this house I have had the amazing chance to grow up in. Right now, I am loving and enjoying being home, but also anticipating the day I can return “home” in August. 

But for now, I am loving home here in Hobart.

I've spent lots of time with Maxwell- which has been so amazing and wonderful! I really miss him picking on me when I'm at school and he just knows me and my quirks so well!

Tree climbing- our current favorite adventure 

I've spent lots of time chilling and reading Harry Potter #noshame

I've spent lots of time with my little neighbor girls- who are so cute I could just eat them up!

Layla

Let me tell you, this chick has the cutest little attitude around!

Tynleigh

I've also spent as much time with Em as possible.

Em is leaving for the summer tomorrow. She's going to Ohio for an internship. I am so excited for her to have this opportunity- but I also don't know how I'm going to survive the summer without her around!

Nothing like best friends

I also got to spend time today with Jacob- I picked him up from school and we hung out and then I went and cheered him on at his Special Olympics baseball game- SO. MUCH. FUN.

I'll try to get better at blogging now that I'm home for the summer. I make no promises though! :P

Love to all.

My roooom!

Hello all!

 I will definitely post on how adjusting to life back home has been sometime soon, but I thought I would go ahead and share with you something that was finally finished today- my room! I finally have everything together and with all my decorations hanging up on the walls it finally feels like home. 

The view from the door

My bed area

Hazel and company- note Hazel is close enough to my bed that I can swoop her up in an instant if I need her 

My dresser- my favorite part of this whole set up is "Hettie the Hippo" who came all the way from Third Tib to watch over me this summer. 

My hippo from Mama Kara and Chase- too cute not to put up somewhere!

My desk area. I'm in love with it!

That fancy board took me forever to make! It keeps track of who I need to send notes to for that particular week.  Love it!

My notes, extra pictures, and cool drawer thing from Goodwill!

Pictures of some of my favorite kiddos....

Chase and I with out matching hippos in a purple hippo frame!

And of course, my puppy. 

You know it's finals week when.....

• You spend most of your day, as in 95% of your day, writing lesson plans
• You realize you haven't eaten anything in over 18 hours
• You realize you haven't peed since approximately 9am- and it's 7:39pm
• You only get 2 hours of sleep and don't have time to take a nap
• You drink an average of 6 cups of coffee in a five hour period
• You realize showers are totally optional
• It is appropriate to wear the same shirt two days in a row
• You think at some point dropping out of college seems likely
• You fall asleep on your RA within minutes when she's cuddling you on the couch 

How do you know it's finals week?

I'm not Ready.......

I’m not ready to say goodbye, even just for a summer, to this place I have so quickly learned to call my home. This place, the faces that surround me in my daily life, mean home to me. I realized this fully last weekend. Lette took a few girls from the floor and I to IKEA and Petland- a trip that took us about a half an hour away from campus. By the time we were leaving Petland I was starting to feel sick and had this overwhelming feeling of wanting to be home. It shocked me that I wasn’t thinking of my home in Hobart, Indiana.

This semester has been a learning experience for me and has challenged me in ways I didn’t know were possible. I have gone through so much, come through so much, learned so much, and still have so much to learn. This semester I have been given the chance to pour into others in ways I haven’t been able to before- but I have been poured into by others as well. I’ve loved and been loved, nurtured and been nurtured. I’ve lost friendships, and developed friendships. I’ve been broken down and then put back together. I’ve found more of who I am.

The end of this year is the closing of one chapter of my life. At the end of this year I have to say “goodbye” to the three girls I have lived with 18 out of the last 24 months of my life. While I know I’ll see them around campus next year, I know our relationships will never be the same. And that breaks my heart.  These girls are my sisters, and being separated from them is going to be harder for me then I think I realized.

It is also the beginning of a new chapter. Next year I have the unique opportunity to start over. I am rooming with four girls I do not know and who do not know me. I am hoping that this will be the start to a beautiful chapter of our lives- though it is absolutely terrifying to me right now.

And I’m not ready to say goodbye.

I’m not ready to say goodbye to my best friend, who has been a constant support and encouragement to me these past months. I can honestly say I am more me with Kaity then I am with anyone else. I laugh harder with her then I ever have with anyone. I cry around her without shame. I’m silly and goofy around her because I know she would never judge me. I have found a beautiful friend in Kaity these past two years and I am so thankful for the constant blessing she is.

I’m not ready to say goodbye to my beautiful roommates. I love these girls, so much. 

I’m not ready to say goodbye to two of the most important women in my life. I have been blessed to have these two wonderful ladies as RAs and more importantly as friends these past two years and I don't know where I would be without them. 

I'm not ready to say goodbye to one of the girls I have slowly learned to call one of my dearest friends.

Or to the kiddos that have not only touched my heart but have changed my life.

Not to mention this precious baby boy

and his beautiful mama. Kara has been such an important part of my life this year. She has played a huge role in it and her constant support, love, firmness, and encouragement have helped me become more of who I want to be. I am so thankful for her and the blessing she is.

Trinity is such a huge part of who I am. And while I am excited to be home, I'm also dreading it at the same time. I'm excited to spend time with my family. I'm excited to finish redoing my room. I'm excited to start working. But I don't do well with change, and this summer is bringing in lots of change.

It's a good thing I have a few wonderful people to return to. 

Max- I'm so lucky to have this kid as a brother. His constant encouragement and excitement about my return home this past week has been so needed.

Kieffer- this beautiful young woman is such a light for Christ and I am so blessed to have her as  a friend. 

There are no words to describe Hannah. She is herself. and she is incredibly amazing. 

And of course, my bestest friend. Although Em won't be around much this summer I am still stoked to get to see her before she leaves for her internship. 

Quick Update

It's been a while since I have updated you all on what's been going on, so I thought I should write a quick post with some of the major things from these last two weeks.

• As always, Roseland has been fantastic. I have been struggling with some of the new leaders there who are taking over the LOT program, but the kids are still there which makes it rewarding all the same. We are just in a period of transition, and I don't like that. But it won't be long before it becomes normal, so it's just a matter of getting used to it. Today I got to spend some quality time with my favorite little girl, which I have been unable to do the last two times I have gone because of some of the changes that are being made. It was wonderful to be able to laugh with her, talk with her, let her braid my hair, do homework with her and swing her in circles....Just all around wonderful. 

• Aiding Placement- I've finally decided, as in I decided last week, that I like my aiding placement. It's taken me the whole semester, but I finally got there. I have always liked my cooperating teacher, I'm just not meant to work in middle school. But I have finally really connected with the kids and am learning to love it more and more. The only sad thing about that is I only have a week left. 
• Roommates- This is the hard one. I am finding that I am almost in denial about the fact that I won't be rooming with these girls next year. It breaks my heart. I can't think about it too hard or I just cry. The good news is while it is super hard, we also have had lots of good bonding time and lots of good talks, which I am so thankful for.
• Kaity- Finally last weekend I got to spend some major quality time with Kaity. We watched Mean Girls and did nails, went on a coffee run and just caught up on life. That was insanely wonderful and so needed. I love my best friend. Quote of the night- 
•  Me- "it's going to be 76 degrees tomorrow and 85 on Tuesday!
• Kaity-"I gotta start wearing shorts, but that requires two things, shaving my legs and getting toned legs in one. night!"
• Classes- I am so ready for classes to be done! I am still loving my history class though, so that is fantastic. It has been my favorite class this whole school year by far!
• Dad's Birthday- Dad turned 42 last week!! Woody and I buzzed home really quickly on Tuesday from about 3pm-10pm and spent the afternoon with Dad, Mom, and Max celebrating Dad and the incredible blessing he is to all of us.
• Young Authors Festival- Last week my English Class had the opportunity to take part in the Young Authors Festival which was held on campus. I was put in charge of a group of 6 fourth graders who all wrote incredibly thoughtful and adorable books. Young Authors ran for about four hours and overall it was a great experience. We also had the opportunity to hear Ben Hatke speak, which was really cool.